College Road Trip Page #5

- (GARGLING) What is it?

- Dad, it's an emergency.

- Where's the fire?

- There's something wrong with Albert.

(SQUEALING)

JAMES:
What's up with him?

Just guessing, but he might have eaten

all the coffee beans you threw away.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Room service. I got cookies for the...

(GASPS)

Oh, no!

- Trey, stay put. The pig's gone crazy.

- TREY:
Albert, get back here!

Albert! Get the pig! Get the pig!

Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Little Houdini pig.

(GASPING)

Oh!

There he is!

(SIGHS)

Looks like we got ourselves

a wedding crasher.

I'm on it.

Settle down. Settle down.

Thank you, thank you.

At this time I'd like to make a toast

to my little angel

and my new son-in-law, Ted.

And, Teddy, you had better

take care of my little girl.

Because she is an absolute...

Pig!

Pig.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Excuse me?

(THUDDING)

(SQUEALING)

Pudding!

- Daddy!

- ARCARA:
Get that pig!

Get it! Get it! Get it!

(SQUEALING)

ARCARA:
What's wrong with you guys?

No, Albert. Albert!

Ted!

Don't just lay there, get up and get him!

Albert. Get back here!

(SCREAMING)

(SQUEALING)

My Cinderella wedding is ruined!

I'm sorry. But I didn't want a pig.

I told the wife, I said, "Get a little..."

- So this is your pig?

- It's my little boy's pig.

He want... Albert! Get down, Albert!

(SQUEALING)

ARCARA:
Get him!

(GRUNTS)

Albert!

(MOANING)

No!

(SCREAMING)

LILY:
Daddy!

JAMES:
Rise and shine.

Ah!

We got to roll. Time to go.

There's a gas station

40 miles up the road.

Got to get some food in you.

Who's up for pigs in a blanket?

(SQUEALS)

What?

(LAUGHING)

No, I'm not...

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

Okay, whatever.

What a night.

They're gonna have

one wild wedding video.

At least we know when times are rough,

the Porters know how to rally together.

- Right?

- Yeah.

That's right. The Porters will rally.

(DOOR OPENS)

(LAUGHING)

I don't believe it!

(SQUEALING)

Shiver me timbers.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

In the words of my favorite ride ever,

"It's a small world after all."

- What are you guys doing here?

- Well, me and the little "cowgirl"

(IMITATING SHOOTING)

just picking up a dozen donuts

before we hit the "rodeo."

What about you?

We just had a little trouble with the car.

(BOTH MOAN)

(WHISPERING)

Well, new friend,

your luck just changed.

(ALL LAUGHING)

DONNY:

I can't believe you see all the strippers

wearing bunny suits and got all

chained up by Scooter.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

DANIELLE:

Doorbell!

BETTY (off):

Hey!

(DOOR BANGING)

DEPUTY O'MALLY:

Hello,

May I help...

BETTY:

I don't know you!

(SCREAMING) Run!

Who's at the door?

I ain't sure, Danielle.

She was nowhere...

Where's Scooter?

DEPUTY O'MALLY:

Don't know.

But you're such daily of

a pizza pickle.

BETTY:

I don't give pizza pickles.

Except for that, Betty.

It's like, the map, whose

treasures are everywhere.

It's that Scooter, for say.

He wasn't here.

I see it right there.

DONNY:

L'Yatte.

Deus van chete!

Would you like to do

a espan nous despecito?

Maybe a couple a bit of..

No!

Scooter!

Why don't you play games

over the telephone?

Man, I'm not Scooter.

I'm a marathon farmer as I ranked

a chained star for anyone with a...

BETTY:

Oh my God, who chained up like that?

Betty, listen.

I had to make a sport exercise.

I want you to leave.

Argh!

Scooter.

You've broke that character.

C'mon, everybody!

It's not my fault she came in here--.

BETTY:

Come with me.

Please don't stop.

You are in trouble!

Not in front of my friends.

You are in so much trouble.

You're also always interrupting stuff.

(CHAINED GIRLS SHOUTING)

(DOOR SLAMMING)

We're down to three.

(DANIELLE GUSHING)

I can't wait to have my new hair look

and a good trim.

(BOTH SINGING)

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

(SQUEALING)

I just love Christmas carols. Don't you?

Just give me a chorus

of Joy to the World,

and I'm as mad as a hatter!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

- (WHISPERING) They're crazy.

- I know.

So, JP, looking forward to the big day?

What day is that?

The day our precious little ones

"Shuffle off to Buffalo."

I gotta tell you, this road trip

has been the greatest experience

for Wendy and I.

I mean, there's just so much

to talk about.

Yeah, it's like we're getting

to know each other all over again.

- Jinx!

- Jinx!

(SINGING) Getting to know you

(INAUDIBLE)

Getting to know all about you

DOUG:
(SINGING) Getting to like you

Getting to hope you like me

- I like you.

- I like you, too!

It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny

yellow polka-dot bikini

That she wore for the first time today

So, Melanie, what other schools

are you looking at?

Actually, I have an interview

at Georgetown.

Wow! Georgetown, great school!

So what would you study?

Pre-law.

I want to get into the Cooper Program.

The Cooper Program, no way!

I always wanted to go to Japan.

Japan? What about Japan?

Sure, you study abroad

at their sister school.

- Tokyo, right?

- Tokyo?

Here you go.

Look, Doug.

I really appreciate this, man.

Can I help you out

with gas money, anything?

- Gas money?

- Yeah.

We charge hugs in this family.

(DOUG GUFFAWING)

One more for luck!

- Thank you.

- You mean...

(SINGING) So long, farewell

Auf Wiedersehen, adieu

Adieu, adieu

To you and you and you

(HUMMING)

- See you!

- WENDY:
Bye! I call shotgun!

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

DOUG:
Au revoir!

WENDY:
Adis!

- See you! Jinx!

- See you! Jinx!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So... We missed the bus.

But I did manage to get us

a seat on a tour bus.

At least there won't be any singing.

(SINGING) Sister Christian,

oh, the time has come

And you know that you're the only one

To say

Okay

Yeah, this is much better.

It's just one semester.

It's not like

I'm getting a Japanese citizenship.

You want to go

halfway around the world,

and I have to learn about it

in a stranger's car?

I'm just disappointed.

We used to be tight.

I'm sorry, Dad, it's just that I...

You don't tell me about Georgetown.

You don't tell me about Japan.

You didn't even remember

our special song.

I feel like I don't know anything

about you anymore.

What are we gonna do about them?

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

That was great. That was great.

Let me just borrow the mic, sir.

I'm next.

No, let me just... Give me the mic, sir.

Let go of the mic, sir.

Hi, everyone.

Hi.

First, thank you so much

for letting us on this bus.

My family and I,

we're on a very special trip,

and I'd kind of like to sing a song

that my father and I used to sing

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