Comet Page #3

terrible taste in men?

Okay, I'm back. Uh-huh.

- Well, I'm at...

- I have to talk to you.

- I'm on the phone.

- No, it's really important.

- Really important.

- I'm on the friggin' phone.

Have you ever cried at one of

these things? I was wondering.

Mom, I have to go.

Something weird is happening.

- One of what things?

- These meteor shower things.

Cried?

Yeah, you know, like tears

of joy, that kind of thing.

No. I've never cried

at one of these things.

Neither have I. Ever, ever.

In fact, I don't

understand people that do.

It's kind of bullshit,

happy crying is, isn't it?

What are your thoughts on that?

So I was on the phone.

So, yeah, you were on the phone.

Sorry. Was it important?

More important than your question?

- Yes.

- Yes.

My mistake. Sorry. I'll

never interrupt you again.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

Well...

I should get back to my

date. He's probably...

But I just wanna keep talking to you.

- What? - I wanna keep talking

to you for multiple reasons.

I mean, you're beautiful, but

it's more than that. I promise.

That's very nice, but I should go.

Maybe I'll see you in the

winter when you're a C plus.

See? I knew it. I knew you

were superficial. I told you.

The only reason that you're talking

to me is because you think I'm hot.

Yeah, but the only reason why you

won't is because you think I'm not.

Fine. Give me a reason why I should?

I was saying, "Don't miss her. "

Earlier, when you saw me talking to

myself. I was saying, "Don't miss her. "

I'm always so afraid I'm gonna

miss the important things in life.

Something about you has given me a

heightened curiosity to know you better.

And that is a near

impossible feat when it comes

to me because I hate

getting to know people.

But I can tell you're

not like the others.

- What others?

- People.

People? You can tell I'm not a person?

Yeah, you're not phony like them.

Also, I didn't say you were

hot. I said you are beautiful.

When is this dumb thing gonna happen?

It's a beautiful night though.

What?

I never know what that

means when people say

that it's a beautiful

night? What does it mean?

So... well, to me

means it's comfortable, familiar...

Yet deeply moving.

Right, no... I feel you

like, uh, like getting stoned

and listening to Steely Dan.

No. Nothing at all like that.

No... I know. More like...

Yeah, like...

Floating down a serene lake in a rowboat

when the sun is setting or

rising... or when the sun is

being a part of nature.

- Stop speaking.

- Okay.

It's beautiful when the

weather is not hot or cold.

Kinda like you don't notice it.

Kinda like it's perfect because

everything is so balanced.

You don't even feel it.

And while you're

feeling that non-feeling

you look up in the sky

and you almost think that's why.

Because how everything is right

now, all the stars and planets

and us and the ground,

and the cells and molecules

right now... is exactly the reason

why now is comfortable.

- You're a now person.

- True.

Yeah, see, I'm a

5-minutes-from-now person.

Because 5 minutes from now,

a gust of wind could come in

and blow H1N1 in everyone's eyes.

Right. Except that's highly unlikely.

Or 5 minutes from now,

an earthquake could erupt

and swallow us all whole.

Right. Except that...

No, sh*t, that could actually happen.

Yeah. The point is I'm way too

anxious about what could happen

5 minutes from now to

be content with now.

Can't do it.

What if something good

happens 5 minutes from now?

- Can't that happen?

- No.

What did you think was gonna happen

5 minutes before you met me?

I'm just really paranoid

I'm gonna miss it.

I miss things a lot.

I don't care if I miss it because...

You're a now person. Got it.

So another weird thing.

I don't mind your pessimism

as much as I usually mind pessimism.

That's great. I hate people

who think I'm too negative.

Also, I like your hat.

Yeah, I'm probably gonna

fall in love with you.

Wow.

That's it?

What were you hoping for?

I'm going to fall in love with you, too?

No, but... Well, yeah.

So all that stuff about not

believing in relationships...

Oh, that's just a pick-up line.

Do we have a deal then?

Cause you said you believe in love.

I don't. Let's put it to the test.

Date each other. Me and you.

In a relationship. Let's do it.

Why the hell am I shaking your hand?

I should be scared to death

of who you are as a person.

Instead, I'm scared

to death of weddings.

Death. Literally.

I'd probably have a coronary

right as I'm walking up the aisle.

Oh, God, please invite

me to your wedding.

I would love to see that.

Well, that's morbid and telling.

Yeah, well, if snuff films

were readily available

I'd probably watch them, not gonna lie.

Is that a deal breaker for you?

No, because for some reason

I still happen to be in love with you.

No, it's because you didn't think

that you'd be the one marrying me.

You don't smoke weed. What

are you doing? Don't do that.

So do you still love me?

I tell you all the time,

if you died right now

I'd visit your grave every single day.

Not every day, that's crazy.

That doesn't answer the question.

Of course, I love you.

It never sounds real when you say it.

Like it doesn't exist.

So what are you doing here?

- Going up north.

- Why would you do that?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

I'm... I'm kidding. I'm

going to meet someone.

So right, okay.

- How's your mom doing?

- She's actually fine.

I can't believe I haven't

talked to you this long.

Yeah, turns out her

doctors are huge idiots.

So I kinda took matters in my own hand.

I figured out a way to dose

her with that experimental drug

we've been developing in our lab.

Wait. Are you allowed to do that?

No.

Wasn't that extremely dangerous?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

- She's fine now?

Yeah, completely. She's

in remission. So...

- Dell, that's great.

- Yeah.

I mean, other than the

totally-unethical-recklessly-

risking-your-mom's-life part.

That's... that's, You... you saved her.

Yeah, I guess.

We should probably keep

that between us... by the way

Because there's a good chance

what I did was illegal... ish.

Right.

- Oh.

- All aboard.

Right. We should probably...

Okay, right.

Well, still, wow.

I can't believe you're

curing cancer now.

Does that mean you've

stopped hating people?

Not at all.

Kill Zelda Fitzgerald.

Right?

Who is that?

- Really?

- I don't know who that is.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's annoying... wife.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

Oh.

I'd definitely marry Rita Hayworth.

Great hair.

Hair, right. Guys love her hair.

I definitely have to

sh*t out of this one.

Olga Kordinstitch? Who is that?

I don't know. I've just

always wanted to f*** an Olga.

I would definitely marry Tupac.

Kimberly Shakur.

It's got a good ring to it.

I would definitely "F" Edward R. Murrow.

I picture him starting up sex with

"Good night, and good luck. "

I'd probably laugh so much

that I'd have an orgasm

right then and there.

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