Comet Page #6

Oh, God, I feel sick.

I blame L.A. for this.

This is what happens when you

fall in love in Los Angeles. F***!

So, what is this? Are

you breaking up with me?

I don't want to, no.

But you like this Jack guy, right?

Do you realize Jack Tripper was one of

my favorite characters in all of fiction

and you've forever ruined his good name?

Sh*t! Can I...

Sh*t, I can't even order

a Jack and Coke anymore!

A vodka soda!

A vodka soda? My life is ruined!

Okay. We should just

get off the phone, okay.

You're mad, and any words we exchange

now are gonna be bleak at best...

I can't believe this. You used to

never want to get off the phone.

No, I used to want to get off

the phone, I just used to not.

And now you can't wait

to get off the phone.

I don't even know what we're

fighting about anymore, okay.

If you wanna yell at me about

Jack, fine, but I'm too tired

for another one of your meta arguments.

I don't deserve to be treated like this.

I thought you were supposed

to be my indentured servant?

Whatever happened to that, huh?

So, what are you

talking about right now?

I'm talking about that-that

prescription to life thing.

Right, except it's

subscription to nature.

Whatever.

No, you have this backwards,

kid, I saved your life.

But then I saved your life.

When were on the train, we ran into

each other, and we got back together.

You mean, when you stalked

and followed me onto the train?

I saved your life because

you got off at Chico.

You weren't supposed

to get off at Chico.

You were supposed to go on to Portland,

but because of me you

got off at Chico instead

and you weren't on the

train when it derailed.

You could have died.

No one died, Dell.

The point remains...

No, that's not the same, okay.

You would absolutely have

died had I not saved you.

Plus, I saw that car coming. I knew it

was going to hit you, and I saved you.

I knowingly saved you.

Yeah, well, that's starting to

feel like a minus, not a plus.

Be that as it may, you didn't

know you were saving me.

You were just trying

to get back in my pants.

No! I was trying to get you back!

Which just happens to include

getting into your pants.

So yours was a sinister

doing, mine was pure altruism.

But I knowingly saved you too.

We just went over this, pothead...

You were supposed to get

off at Portland to meet Jack

but I knowingly saved you from him.

Except I didn't, did I?

F***!

I should have told you I loved you more.

When we were together, I mean.

I was also such a dick to you

but I thought you'd find

it endearing for some reason

like... like people feel

about Don Rickles or Mussolini.

It's not an excuse, it's just a reason.

Anyway, I'm sorry, okay.

I need a drink. In a bad way.

There's a bar car here,

they sell drinks. Let's go.

No, doesn't that mean we have

to walk in between the cars?

No, I can't do that

while the train's moving.

- Oh, don't be such a p*ssy.

- Said the dick.

Besides, the world's at war

right now, so I think we should...

We should take every little opportunity

to put ourselves in harm's way.

Alleviate some of the guilt, you know?

No, no, there's all the scary

noises that the train makes

and what if I fell?

I don't have the best

relationship with gravity.

Put your iPod on and

play something calming

that'll drown out the sound,

and I'll hold your

hand. So you don't fall.

Come on. Come on.

I won't let you go. I promise.

Tied to my bed

I was younger then

I had nothing to spend

But time on you

But it made me

love it made me love

It made me love more

Do what you said the

words she said left out

Over unto the sky

where I'll soon fly

And she took the time

To believe in

to believe in...

Have you ever tried asking someone

"Where's my f***ing

money?" You ever done that?

You mean, at random, or

when I'm actually owed money?

No, at random obviously.

Right, I don't know what I was thinking.

It's fun, you should try it. Ask me.

Ask me where's my f***ing money?

Where's my f***ing money?

Where's my f***ing money?

Oh, no, motherf***er.

Where's my f***ing money!

If I don't get my f***ing

money right f***ing now...

Where's my goddamn

money, you motherf***er?

What the f***?

Jesus.

That was really fun.

Wait. It's just that...

Say what you were going to

say, and then, after you say it

maybe we should, like,

not talk for a minute.

You know, like, let a whole minute

pass by without saying something.

But go ahead and say

what you were gonna say

and then we can start right after that.

I'm really gonna miss you tomorrow.

So, wait, you're saying you

dreamt this conversation?

A conversation that didn't

take place until now?

I'm saying I dreamt a bunch of

conversations, including this one

which led me to come here,

because it made me think

about how much I regretted...

Do you regret meeting me, Dell?

No, of course not.

I'm glad we dated. I needed to date you.

Before you, I only dated guys

that looked good on paper.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

You were really, really smart,

but also selfish, crass...

Not always in an

entertaining way, mind you.

You hated your job and life

and you were completely

comfortable being miserable.

You're horrible on

paper. And I loved you.

Being with you made me realize it...

Doesn't have to look good

on paper to feel good.

- What kind of sandwich...

- PB and J.

Of course.

- What's your favorite word?

- Comet.

- "Comet?"

- Right.

Not like "proliferate," "ensconce"

"kerfuffle," or "serendipity. "

"Comet?" Like...

"comet?"

Yeah. Exactly like that.

What about your least favorite word?

I don't strongly dislike any word.

I sort of have a love-hate

relationship with the word

"fingerfuck," but that's

technically two words

and I like each one separately.

So, do you ever wish you

could, like, control society

for a couple of minutes?

Like make them all

hate MTV or something?

I don't think MTV is as

important as you think it is.

You're so wrong. MTV is so manipulative.

It's like a drug which you

get hooked on at age twelve

that you can't wake up from until

you're probably, like, thirty

when you finally realize

how awful it really was.

But by then, it's too late.

They've, like, won.

You've watched all their commercials

during their week's sweep.

I believe it's "sweeps week. "

You don't deserve me. I can tell.

That's perfect. I want

someone I don't deserve.

You think you've won me.

I can't believe you think

you've won me already.

Are you kidding? You

ditched a much prettier man

to stay with me. I've

definitely won you.

You're so wrong, my friend.

Holy sh*t.

You are so easily amused.

Cause of the boots,

huh? Sarah's stupid idea.

Louis L'Amour is her favorite

novelist, so, here we are.

You know I just realized. I

don't even know why we're here.

I don't even like Sarah.

Fire.

Just let me have this,

and then we'll go.

What are you doing?

This feels like a dream...

I love it when you look out windows.

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