Convict 99 Page #3

- Yes.

- Ready? Go!

- Can I open me eyes now?

- Yes.

Right. Hey, hey!

- Hey, who did that?

- You did!

Wait a minute, if there's any trouble with

that I'll say I did it with me eyes shut.

All right, go on.

- Psst! Where you going?

- The bathroom.

Not that way. Stick to me.

Do you want the cat?

What do we want with cats

at a time like this?

Here it is, nobody's touched it.

Proper cunning, innit?

- What is it?

- Our disguise.

- Our what?

- Our disguise.

We get in that.

What do you want me to do,

make a noise like a cup and saucer?

There you are, in you go.

Ready? Pull!

Get down, he's coming.

(Groaning)

I must say, you've made a good job.

- Thank you, sir.

- Very good.

- Move back.

- I can't, there's a hole or something.

Hop! Hop! Come on, pick 'em up there.

Pick 'em up. One-two, hop-hop,

one-two, hop-hop.

One-two... Come on, pick 'em up, 99.

Hop-hop, one-two.

In answer to your repeated inquiries,

I can only say that the new governor

has not yet arrived.

Er, in the meantime you can assure Sir

Cyril that the prison is running smoothly

under the direction

of your obedient servant.

- That's all.

- (Telephone)

Hello? Hello, yes.

Scotland Yard on the phone, sir.

Hello, deputy governor speaking.

Why didn't you tell us

a prisoner had escaped?

Escaped? We've had no one escape.

What prisoner?

Max Slessor.

We picked him up this morning.

(Chuckles) Slessor's here.

You've got the wrong man!

We don't make mistakes

about old customers like Slessor.

(Laughs)

I can actually see Slessor

from where I am now.

One of us is seeing double.

We'll send him back anyway.

It's no use returning him

when we've already got him.

What? Is that so?

You can do the same with Scotland Yard!

Darn cheek. Making mistakes and

blaming us. When did Slessor arrive?

Three days ago. He's one of the ten

that came on Tuesday,

the day the new governor

should've taken over.

(Whispers) The governor!

If they've got Slessor,

that convict might be...

Come on!

Hop-hop, one-two...

- 99, just a minute.

- Don't talk to me, I'll get in trouble.

- I want a word with you.

- Oh. What have I done now?

Does the name Sir Cyril Blakeney Burke

mean anything to you?

What, old Cyril? I should say so.

- So you know Sir Cyril?

- Of course!

He's responsible for this, in a way.

If he hadn't given me the job

I wouldn't be in this mess.

It's disgraceful. I take something

for me cold, and you shove me in prison.

Even in Russia you get a fair trial.

Hop-hop, one-two...

Someone's made a dreadful bloomer.

Bloomer?

There's been bloomers all along!

Rate-paying citizen stuck in prison,

made to crack rocks! Look at my blisters.

- With chilblains, I could've told you.

- How?

Silence! Take this man back to his cell.

- My dear Benjamin...

- Oh, Benjamin is it now?

I only allow my friends

to call me Benjamin. 99 to you.

- Sir Cyril on the phone, sir.

- Ah.

I understand how you feel.

If you'll come to the office

I'll try to rectify this ghastly blunder.

About time too!

Oh.

Hello. Hello, is that you, Sir Cyril?

Yes, Mr Benjamin has just arrived.

Just arrived? I like that!

Tell him what's happened.

- Everything is quite all right.

- Oh, no, it's not!

Let me talk to him! I've been locked up!

What's going on? Sounds like a

dogfight. Let me speak to Benjamin.

Don't argue!

- He wants to speak to you.

- I should think so too.

Hello, Cyril, this is Ben.

Where were you?

Why didn't you take over on Tuesday?

Take over? I didn't get a chance!

They shoved me in the clink.

Solitary confinement!

You mean you've been locked up?

Incredible. Why did you stand for it?

Well, there were hundreds of 'em.

- What have you done about it?

- Well, I'm out, aren't I?

Fire that fool Robinson immediately.

Are you that fool Robinson?

Well, I can't do that.

I don't know him well enough.

Oh, all right. It's your turn.

Yes, sir. Yes, this is Robinson speaking.

Yes, sir.

(Sighs)

I can't believe it.

After 30 years' solid service,

I'm fired.

Oh, well, easy come, easy go.

- Mr Benjamin.

- Mm?

I appeal to you to do the right thing

in the right quarter.

The right quarter. I'd be delighted to.

Turn round.

- Ooh!

- Your clothes, sir.

- I brought them myself, sir.

- Thank you very much.

- That's a nasty lump on your head.

- This, sir? A mere bagatelle.

- Looks more like a billiard ball.

- This came for you, sir.

Withholding my correspondence?

Another indignity.

- Are you taking over immediately, sir?

- Yes.

- Where is the school?

- School?

Oh, you mean the instruction room?

No, the school for backward...

Good gracious.

John D Benjamin?

Benjamin.

How amusing! In future, I shall always

think of you as Mr Benjamin Twist!

(All laugh)

What's so funny about that?

(All roar with laughter)

Well, there's nothing funny about that.

Now, 52s into 2,000 won't go.

Four fives are 29, throw away the two

nothings, come back Peter, carry one...

Lumme, that's over 30 a week.

Are you feeling all right, sir?

Oh, yes, yes. Where was I?

Well, you were asking me

about a school, sir.

School? Yes, that's right. Is there a

school for backward boys around here?

Well, this is the only place

for backward boys around here, sir.

Yes. I say, tell me - do Cyril and

the others come down very often?

Very seldom. They were here last spring.

They should be about due again.

Very unlikely, sir, they won't be here

for another three years.

Oh, really? Yes.

Three twos are six, that makes 6,000.

- That's a long time.

- (Knock)

- Yes?

- Can you come to the dining hall?

- Why?

- They want the new governor.

Calling for me, eh? That's very touching.

I'll get changed,

I won't keep them waiting.

Very nice of them to welcome me.

(All chant) We want the governor!

We want the governor!

We want the governor!

We want the governor!

(Chanting continues)

- Boys!

- We want the governor!

We want the governor!

Boys! Quiet!

- We want the governor!

- Quiet! Remember where you are!

(Thunderous crash)

That's better. Go back to your places.

Remember, you've got a new governor.

- Well, bring him in!

- Yes, I will.

- I'm the new governor!

- (Laughter)

Hear that? This is the new governor!

(Laughs) Good old Sniffy!

He ain't half a card!

Shut up, you!

- (Laughter)

- I am the new governor.

(Laughter)

- That's Sniffy.

- Never mind about that.

- They appointed me governor.

- What for?

2,000 a yea... I mean, because they...

I don't want any argument!

Get off that table. If this is your idea

of a welcome, I don't like it.

Well, see how you like this.

(Laughter)

Who threw that?

Come on, own up! Who threw it?

I did.

- What did you do that for?

- I thought you'd like to taste it.

Oh, I see, you were throwing it to me.

For a minute I thought

you were throwing it at me.

Well, boys, what did you

want to see me about?

- We want better grub!

- And better conditions!

- And better treatment!

- And see that we get it!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes