Convict 99 Page #4

(All cheering)

Quiet, boys, quiet.

There's nothing you can tell me about

the prison. I've studied it from the inside.

(Laughter)

As governor, I will change things.

I shall make this a prison

fit for Englishmen to live in.

(All) Hooray!

You boys will share the responsibility

and help me run this prison.

My first act is to form

a management committee.

(All) Hooray!

And I'm going to allow you all

to follow your own occupation.

(All) Hooray!

I want you to look upon these walls

not as a device to keep you in

but as a barrier to keep the riffraff out.

(Wild cheering)

(Men arguing)

(Knocking) Order!

(Raps table) Order!

- (All fall silent)

- Thank you.

Well, gentlemen, I've very much pleasure

in declaring this meeting open.

I feel honoured that you should invite me

to take the chair.

(Man) Hear, hear.

I'm grateful for your support.

As you know, I'm breaking new ground.

Breaking new ground? Where?

- What are you doing here?

- Committee secretary.

Well, shut up and put down the minutes.

Now, I've got here a list of reforms

which I'd like to propose.

You're out of order.

Chairman can't propose.

- Why not?

- Because it's out of order.

All right, I've a list of reforms

I'd like to second.

- You're still out of order.

- Better get yourself seen to.

- Listen, you just put down the minutes.

- Done it.

- Where?

- There. Two and a half minutes.

No, you put down what we say!

It's this old fool that's out of order.

It's you that's out of order -

the chairman can't second.

I may as well not be here. I can't propose

or second. What can I do?

Nothing, it's all been done.

Oh, well, am I allowed to know what?

All you've got to do is put it to the vote.

Oh, well, all right. All those in favour.

- In favour of what?

- The proposition.

- We haven't had one.

- Aw!

How can you vote? You can't vote

on nothing. Anybody got a proposition?

I propose that the reforms

mentioned on this list

be carried in toto, en bloc.

- I'll second that.

- All in favour?

Carried. Put that down, Jerry.

I can't have this!

I don't know what's on that list.

You don't have to,

you're only the chair.

I demand that list be read out in toto,

en bloc, and no missing anything out.

All right. First item - beds.

I propose that we have

softer mattresses.

(All shout in agreement)

Yes, yes, good idea, put it down.

Wait. It hasn't been seconded.

Do I write

the seconds and the minutes?

- How do I know? I'm only the chair.

- I second it.

- You seconded the last one.

- I second everything!

- All right.

- I propose a vote of thanks to the chair.

- (All) Hear, hear.

- Oh, do you?

I've an amendment -

you keep the chair! It's no good to me.

- I can't do anything.

- You've got the casting vote!

- The what?

- The casting vote.

If we all agree to something

then you vote for it.

That's all right then. I thought you were

leaving me out of everything.

Put that down. Now, go on, what's next?

(Bells chiming)

(Men yawning)

- 8:
30, gentlemen.

- (Birdsong)

- Time to get up.

- Tea, coffee, cocoa.

- Tea, coffee, cocoa.

- (Bells chiming)

Tea, coffee, cocoa.

- Tea, coffee, cocoa.

- I could do with a pint.

- Wait till supper.

- I'll report this to the committee!

Tea, coffee, cocoa. Tea, coffee, cocoa.

Tea, coffee, cocoa.

- Albert! Tea, four lumps.

- (Bird singing)

- Good. My bath ready?

- Why all these baths?

I want that schoolgirl complexion

all over. Open up, governor's orders.

- Morning.

- Morning, Governor!

- Good morning, boys.

- Morning, Governor.

- Your cold better?

- Yes, thanks.

- 'Ello, Governor!

- Morning.

- Morning, Governor.

- Good morning.

Say, what's all this?

- Committee's orders.

- Oh, good.

- Oh, did you say he could have a bath?

- Certainly.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Oh, you mean him? Certainly not.

- Oh, go on, Sniffy.

- Don't call me that.

You can't take liberties

because you knew me before I got on.

What harm's a bath gonna do you?

None, but the shock would kill you.

And I know why you want a bath.

You want to escape down the plughole.

- It's a tunnel.

- I don't care, you're not going there.

Not having any of that

Monte Cristo business here.

Bring it into my office,

we'll have a nice cup of cocoa.

Mind the paintwork. Go on, push. To me!

Come on!

- Don't jerk it, you're spilling the milk.

- Now you've got it stuck.

Hey, you've got customers.

Customers or not, we can't leave it here!

- Oh.

- Reporting two new arrivals, sir.

Bates!

- Twister!

- What are you doing here?

- 18 months. What did you get?

- Silence.

Speak when you're spoken to.

Say sorry to the governor.

Governor? Have you given up school?

Speak when you're spoken to!

He means the school I had

before I left Australia.

- Australia? You've never...

- I don't want any alibis.

You've been sent here by a good judge.

Make Mr Bates comfortable.

Give him a room on the east wing

overlooking the moors, ground floor.

- How do we get out?

- Same way as I got in. Mind the cups.

Next, please.

- Max Slessor, 99.

- What do you mean, "99"?

- Oh, you mean him?

- Yes, he broke jail four days ago.

Did he? Did you put sugar in?

He's the bloke that got you jugged.

Oh, so you're the scoundrel!

- Shut up, ya...!

- Playing hooky, eh?

Do you realise that by clearing off you

got someone else into serious trouble?

- Put a sock in it!

- So that's your attitude, is it?

For that you can write 100 times "I must

not leave others holding the baby".

You take me for a bloomin' schoolkid?!

All right, now you'll do it 500 times!

Take him away, and mind the cups.

(Mutters angrily)

Why didn't you think of

doing it that way?

Oh, well, now to work.

Oh dear, I shall have to

talk to those cleaners.

Dirty thumb marks over everything.

They're fingerprint charts.

Oh, is that what they are? Oh, I see.

- Leave the desk alone.

- I didn't do anything.

Well, don't lean on it.

Now, listen, I shan't tell you

a second time.

(Crash)

- Is there anything in that cocoa?

- Of course not!

Do you see what I see?

Blimey!

(Coughing and spluttering)

Why, it's Jerry the Ferret.

(Coughs)

- Am I out?

- Out, you old fool?

You're in the governor's office!

(Screams)

(Gibbering) Oh dear! Oh dear!

Governor's office! Governor's office!

(Benjamin) Hey!

- (Shrieking)

- What are you doing?

Out of my way!

(Gasps and moans)

40 years for...

40 years of hard work wasted!

- Hey, hey, look at that carpet!

- Eh?

Look at the carpet!

- Darn the carpet!

- Yeah, but who's gonna do it?

According to my plan there never

ought to have been any carpet.

I'll tell you where I was. I ought to be

here, in the middle of the main road!

All right, don't get upset,

you've just gone wrong somewhere.

- Now, where did you start from?

- The bathroom.

- I told you not to go there!

- Yes, but this was in 1897.

Oh, I see.

Then you went along this blue line?

That was before I reached the bathroom.

You said you started there.

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