Convict 99 Page #5

I did this bit before I commenced.

If you commence before you start,

where do you begin?

In the bathroom!

Let's start from the beginning.

Now, in 1897, you had a bath.

That's right. In 1904 I reached the well.

- How did you know it was a well?

- I fell in.

- So in 1904 you had another bath?

- That's right.

You know, this looks like

Hampton Court maze.

What do you turn right here for?

- Where?

- In 1912.

- That's when I trod on me compass.

- Which foot did you tread on it with?

Yeah, yeah, it was me left foot.

Oh dear... What does it matter

which foot he trod on it with?

- Left, right, it's all the same.

- Only trying to help.

Well, hold this corner, help that way.

Let's start from the beginning and work

back. Where's the governor's office?

- Is that it?

- No. It doesn't show it.

Well, it must do!

Oh, no wonder - this was printed in 1890.

- What difference does that make?

- In 1903 the prison was rebuilt.

Oh dear, oh dear, nobody told me!

How could they when you're burrowing

among the plugholes?

Here's a new chart.

Let's have a look at that.

Yes, different thing altogether. There's

my office. And this is where you...

Come here, little mudlark.

- Yes?

- You know where you were in 1925?

- No, where?

- Two miles outside the prison walls.

What's this dead end?

That's where I crossed one of me own

tunnels and turned back.

All you had to do was catch the 4:20 -

that's the tunnel on the line to London.

You twerp.

Oh dear, oh dear, what shall I do?

You'd better go back to the bathroom

and start again. Take this junk with you.

Blimey, what's happened?

- What's happened?

- I must've struck oil.

Struck oil?

You've left the bathroom taps on!

Go on, get over there.

(Lively chatter)

Hey.

Here.

(Shouting)

- Hey, hey, hey, what's all this?

- Hang on, Governor, there's races on.

Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it!

I-I-I won't have this!

Hey, you up there! You up there! You!

Stop! Stop it!

Listen, I won't have it!

Hey, hey, you!

Favourite wins!

Hey, hey, wait!

Listen, I won't have gambling here!

Hey, you! You come here!

You give that money back,

I won't have gambling.

- Ah, go and tell the committee.

- I've a few other things to tell 'em too!

Well, what do you think?

Sunderland will walk it.

- OK.

- Put Chelsea down to win.

Don't be crazy, I've never seen them win.

You've not seen 'em for seven years.

- Say, what's all this?

- 'Ello, Governor.

What's your opinion of Coventry?

Coventry? Not a bad town.

Rather a lot of bicycles though.

No, we're filling out the football coupon.

Football coupon? I can't allow gambling.

And where will you get sixpence from?

- You're gonna lend us that.

- I am? I am not!

- Give me that at once.

- We might win a fortune!

Yes, but not with my sixpence.

Cast your eye over them bills.

30 feather beds, 15 tuck in Albert's

kiosk, football boots 5. What's all this?

- You're gonna pay for it.

- I never ordered them.

We did. You're chair

so you're responsible.

Where am I gonna get that money from?

If you could get 100

I could treble it for you in no time.

- How?

- At my job, operating the stock market.

Carbolics, 53 and a quarter,

70 by the end of the week.

- If you could make it 200...

- I haven't got 200.

And it'd be gambling, no better

than this football coupon.

And this only costs sixpence.

I'll think it over.

(Radio) 'Mansfield 2, Bristol City 0.

'Southport 1, Gateshead 2.'

We had that too!

If the last one's right, I'll cut my throat.

'York City 0...

'Hull City 1.'

- Every blinking one right!

- A fortune down the drain.

'..Millwall 4.

'Cardiff City...'

I'm gonna have words with Sniffy!

And what you can't think of, I'll say!

Look at that. Look at that!

- All come off, draws and all.

- We'd have won a fortune.

And you wouldn't put up a tanner!

No, there's no gambling in this prison

and I'm determined to set an example.

Guv! Guv! Guv! You've won! Look!

Brighton 4, Notts County 4!

Queen's Park Rangers 2, Aldershot 0...

What's the idea of busting in like this?

Wait till I send for you.

That football coupon you sent up,

you got the whole lot right!

- Get out!

- But look, Governor, look!

Er, he's only kidding.

So you're gonna set an example, eh?

You dirty, double-crossing...

You sent up our coupon

and never told us!

- I wanted to keep it as a surprise.

- It's our winnings!

- Our coupon!

- Our brains!

- Yes, but my tanner.

- (Angry shouting)

(Jeering and shouting)

Gentlemen, you don't understand.

I'm not keeping this money.

No. I've got all the bills

for the things the committee ordered,

and with the balance

I propose to form a trust

in charge of Mr Johnson here,

who'll invest it in Carbolic.

- (Jeering)

- Shut up, will ya?

It's our coupon,

why should we share it with the others?

- (All) Yeah!

- Quiet, quiet!

I think the governor's right.

Let's all share it, that's what I say.

- All those in favour.

- (Cheering)

Carried unanimously,

and no amendments.

(Shouting)

Phew.

- Got you out of that, didn't I, guv?

- Oh, yes, thank you, Bates.

Just a minute, what about my cut?

- Your cut? Have you cut yourself?

- Come off it, I want half that pool.

- Why should I give you half?

- To keep my mouth shut.

I've an idea you wangled this job,

Mr Benjamin. Or is it Mr Benjamin Twist?

I say, Bates, you wouldn't...

Wouldn't I? Well, 750 quid or else.

This amounts almost to blackmail.

- It is blackmail.

- Oh. Oh, is it?

Blackmail is a criminal offence

and if I have any more of it

you'll be thrown out of prison.

All right, but don't blame me

if you get kicked out like at St Michael's.

- What's that about St Michael's?

- That's my business.

Might be worth your while

to make it mine.

Buy 200 Imps, 500 Emits, 1,000 Anvers

Gold, 500 Venters. Sell 1,000 Livors.

Get rid of deferred 98s

and buy 500 Incorporated Nitrates.

Make it a thousand.

Cartwright?

Sell Carbolics but nothing under 77.

- What do you want?

- I thought you sent for me.

Oh, yes, yes, I want you

to attend to some transfers.

- What, stick 'em on something?

- No, no. These.

- I see. You want me to sign me name?

- No, I've done that. Just check them.

5,000 bushels a week.

Are they harvesting already?

No, it's not real wheat. We buy on paper

and if it rises we collect.

Oh, splendid. What happens if it falls?

- Then you pay up.

- What with?

The money's all in your account.

I can't afford 5,000 buckets a week.

Just do as you're told

and we'll be millionaires.

- How long will that take?

- Leave that to me.

- I know just how long I've got.

- So do I. Ten years.

I'm worried about me.

Suppose people stop eating bread?

- I'll be in one of those suits again.

- I'll leave you to it.

- I'm late for a committee meeting.

- Hey, wait. What about me? Hey!

- What about me? I'm the chairman.

- Oh, we shan't need you.

- Oh. Oh, I like that.

- Psst!

- Sh. I've got something to tell ya.

- What?

- They chucked me off the committee.

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