Convict 99 Page #6

- Why?

I doodled on the minutes. There's

something else. They're having a party.

- Oh? We'll see about that.

- With girls.

Girls? Good. What?

I don't care, I think it's going too far.

What's wrong with having a few girls?

They've been in prison before.

You're anxious to have them. Why?

You're suspicious.

It's to give the boys a good time.

If the governor's sacked, it's killing

the bird that lays the golden egg.

There aren't gonna be any golden eggs,

or any birds.

I've given you quite enough rope

but you don't have to hang me.

You can lead a horse to the water

but there's no power on earth can...

Take your feet off my chair.

Now, just remember that.

Sorry. These ladies only made the offer

to brighten the drab lives of our men.

- But...

- They can mind their own business.

There's been enough brightening.

This is a respectable prison. I won't

have ladies here, whoever they are.

Who's this one?

That's the Baroness Charlotte Rousseau,

the prison reformer.

(Sniffs) Oh, shouldn't be surprised.

Well, how about Friday?

(# Waltz)

- 'Ere, what's your game?

- Hey, he's the secretary.

Ow!

Can we have this dance, love?

Charlie, don't be polite in that suit,

it's got to go back tomorrow.

All right, guv.

- Save that till you get on the floor.

- All right, guv.

'Ello!

- Thanks, pal.

- OK, mate.

Everything all right?

(French accent) They would not let me

bring clothes in.

Never mind. I'll think of something else.

- You know your part?

- Word perfect.

Where is he?

Come on, Millie, this is our dance.

- Excuse me!

- Yes, yes.

Oh, guv.

- Baroness Charlotte Rousseau.

- Good evening.

- How do you do, Baroness?

- Why, of all people!

Benjy! What a surprise!

- Yes, it is.

- You know each other?

Of course we do, we met in Australia!

How are you, my sweet?

Well, I'm very well, thank you,

but I don't recollect...

- Oh, you remember Australia?

- Australia...

- Yes!

- Er... Oh, yes, yes, of course,

big island in the...

the Mediterranean somewhere.

I see you two want to talk over old times.

Oh, yes, of course we do,

we had such wonderful times!

Remember the races

at Melbourne when Zero won?

- Do I?

- Well, you should do, you won 100.

- I what?

- Yes, and you promised to give me 50.

- I promised you 50?

- Yes!

Well, if I promised,

I must have given it to you.

No, you naughty man, you didn't.

Oh, but I remember I did.

Aha, but I remember as clearly

as if it was yesterday you didn't.

But I remember...

Oh, I forgot to tell you -

Remember I went to get

the money from the bookmaker?

Well, he welshed us.

Excuse me, I've got to go and see

about the fan dance.

- Did he fall for it?

- No, he's as big a liar as I am.

See here, I want his signature

on a cheque and you've got to get it.

Oh, Benjy!

(Shrieks)

- My tirara!

- Your what?

- My tirara's gone!

- Well, don't look at me, I ain't got it!

Oh dear. (Sobs)

Pipe down, it's only a bit of junk.

It wasn't junk, it was real!

I'll cop it if I don't take it home,

my old man got it in a smash and grab!

(Sobs and wails)

- I say, what's all the bother?

- My tirara! Somebody swiped it.

- Somebody what?

- Swiped it, pinched it.

Oh, no, nobody here

would steal anything.

Are you sure it hasn't slipped down...?

- What was it like?

- Like that, only real.

I had it on me head a minute ago.

Well, I'll ask the culprit to give it back.

- Fat lot of good that'll do.

- You don't know my boys.

Stop the music!

Stop playing, stop playing.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've got some very bad news.

We have a thief in our midst!

I don't want to embarrass the culprit

so I'll give him a chance

by using a device that was very

successful at my last sch... prison.

Now, don't move, anybody,

stay where you are.

Now, if I can have all the lights put out.

While the room is in darkness

I'm going to ask the thief

to put the tirara...the tiara back on, erm...

..on this, and no questions will be asked.

Now, remember gentlemen, you've got

five seconds to save your honour.

Put out the lights!

Now, remember, five seconds.

One, two...

- (Slap)

- (Woman) Oh! Who did that?

Boys, no horseplay.

I didn't put the lights out for that.

Three, four, five.

(Women gasp)

Good gracious me!

I say! What...? I thought the tray might go

but this is going too far.

For that you'll all go to bed,

except the ladies.

- (All) Boo!

- Silence, silence!

Serves you right. You should've thought

of that before. Ladies, follow me.

(Booing)

- Shut up!

- You're not ending the party?

Madam, I've got to keep a firm hand

on these men to gain their respect.

You see? It's the firm hand that counts.

(Raucous jeering)

This way, ladies, I'll get you all a drink.

(All) Oh, yeah!

Slessor, why aren't you in bed?

I thought I'd do this

so you could talk to the girls.

- Oh, very thoughtful of you.

- Oh, Benjy!

- Come with me.

- But I want to talk with...

No, come and sit down here with me.

Ah, now I have you all to myself!

- Oh, but I...

- I don't want to press you

but I do so want my 50.

So do I, so when you go back

to Australia you collect for us both.

(English accent) You faker,

you're no more Governor than I am.

You're Dr Benjamin Twist,

a broken-down old schoolmaster.

Now, do I get the cheque for 50 quid

or do I blow the gaff?

- Well, I'll send it to you.

- You won't, I'll take it now.

Oh...

(Clears throat) Five pounds, wasn't it?

- Fifty.

- Oh, yes, so it was.

And you're giving me a covering letter

to your bank manager.

- Oh, am I?

- You are.

Hmm.

Oh, guv!

You seen Slessor?

They're all in bed except him.

Slessor? He's helping with the drinks.

- Want any help with the women?

- None of that from you. Outside.

Go on. I'll send Slessor down

when I've finished with him.

Now, look here...

Slessor! Slessor!

- (Knock at door)

- Slessor?

How dare you come in here?!

- Get off!

- What do you mean?

Leave me alone! Help!

You old reprobate! I'm disgusted!

- I haven't done anything!

- Why's she screaming?

Probably saw a mouse.

- He...He attacked me!

- A man in your position! It's horrible.

Bald men are the worst!

To think, we girls

aren't even safe in prison!

- Wait...

- I'll report you for this.

No, we must keep it quiet

for the Baroness's sake.

- I assure you that I...

- (All shouting)

I didn't say a word!

- First you take my tirara...

- I tried to get it back for you.

What about this poor girl's reputation?

- I'll try and get that too.

- Ooh!

Bluebeard!

(All laughing)

Give me that cheque.

We've been to a lot of trouble

getting that 50 quid.

By the time I've added

a couple of noughts

it'll clean up his account!

Five thousand pounds?

It's rather a large amount, madam.

The manager hasn't arrived yet.

- But I have a covering letter.

- Oh, I see.

Oh, that'll be quite all right.

- How would you like it?

- In small notes, please.

Hey. Have you been double-crossing us?

- Since when?

- Since any time.

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