Cruising Bar 2 Page #3

- Sure you don't mind?

- 'Course not.

(whistling)

(Latin American music)

(music)

- Where are your costumes?

- We said dress to kill.

- l heard dress like in Brazil.

l'll change.

- No, no, no!

You look fine. Let's start.

Take a partner, everybody.

(music)

(laughter)

(bunny-hop music)

(dance music)

- Hi there.

(country music)

But l don't give a rip

l'll stand barefooted

in my own front yard

With a baby on my hip

Cause l'm a redneck woman

And l ain't no high class broad

l'm just a product of my raisin'

And l say ''hey y'all''

and ''Yee Haw''

And l keep

my Christmas lights on

On my front porch

all year long

And l know all the words

To every Charlie Daniels song

So here's to all my sisters

Out there

keepin' it country

Let me get a big ''Hell yeah''

From the redneck girls like me

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

Victoria's Secret

Well their stuff's real nice

Oh but l can buy

the same damn thing

On a Wal Mart shelf half-price

-Ascotch, please.

And still look sexy

Just as sexy

As those models on TV

No l don't need no designer tag

to make my man want me

Adouble.

You might think l'm trashy...

- When your wife of 30 years

doesn't recognize you,

when she doesn't even answer

if you speak to her...

... it's not easy.

- Poor man.

Alzheimer's is the pits.

l sure don't envy you.

- You only have one life.

As long as l'm not dead,

l tell myself:

''Hang in there, Grard!''

- What are you up to, pal?

- Huh?

- That's not how it goes now.

- What?

Did l do something wrong?

- Today it's the girls who cruise.

Guys just wait.

- Yeah, right!

- You wait.

You let them hit on you.

-You wait?

Where's the fun in that?

- lt's pointless, Grard.

You're not inside.

- What do you mean, l'm not?

lt must be the condom.

l'm not used to them.

Damn condom!

- lt's not the condom.

You're not even hard.

- Come on!

Are you kidding me?

(slow Latin music)

l feel lucky

Yeah

No Professor Doom

Gonna stand in my way

Mmm l feel lucky today

Mmm l feel lucky today

Well l strolled down to the corner

Gave my numbers to the clerk

The pot's eleven million

So l called in sick to work

l bought a pack of Camels

a burrito and a Barq's

- Go ahead, sir.

- What's with the sir?

Very funny!

Sir's my father.

(sniffing)

No, thanks.

Nah, coke...

l did lots of coke. Whoo.

They used to call me Joe Blow.

lt's been 15 years.

Last time l was a quarterback

with the Alouettes.

l sniffed the entire 40-yard line.

(sighing)

Hello, Marie-Andre? lt's Pat.

Hello?

Hello, Marie-Andre?

(clunking)

(clunking)

Taxi! Taxi!

- Hi there.

What'll it be?

- Uh...

- We have pure Everest air,

pure Caucasus air,

pure Machu Picchu air,

pure Aconcagua air,

or pure Kilimanjaro air?

- Do you have any Anapurna air?

-Anapurna?

l'll see, we may be out.

We do have Matterhorn air,

it's excellent.

- Fine, Matterhorn.

- Coming right up.

One Matterhorn!

- l feel sorry for you, Grard.

You're young for this let-down.

-Ah, it's just an off-night.

l don't know what's wrong.

Nicole, don't be cruel, okay?

Keep this to yourself.

Do it for me.

lt's not easy for me.

(change rattling)

- Down for the count!

- Well l'll be, Grard!

-Ah... Paulette, hi!

- lt's been ages.

- Yeah, yeah...

- Miss? Two Zombies, please.

Like in the good old days, right?

- Yeah, yeah...

- Listen, l hear you can't get it up.

(sputtering)

- Huh?

- Yeah!

-Ahem.

(laughter)

You haven't changed!

- No, l haven't.

You'll see,

just leave it to Aunt Paulette!

Ah. Thank you!

- l'm Jean.

- l'm Jean-Jacques.

(sniffing deeply)

This is Matterhorn.

(sniffing)

Excellent.

The etemal snows...

You?

- lt's airfrom Mount Albert.

- They have local brands?

Ah. l didn't know.

(moaning)

-Ahhhhh, Grard!

Make an effort.

- What do you think l'm doing, sh*t?

- Poor little thing!

- Goddammit.

- Don't worry, Grard,

l'll take care of you!

Come on! Come on!!

- Paulette, what...?

- Huh? Huh?

Huh? Huh?

(groaning)

(swing music)

- l think l hyperventilated.

- Oh...

- Move back,

give the poor dear some air.

- l'll give him mouth-to-mouth.

- Poor dear!

(all cooing)

- No, no, that's okay!

(shushing)

No, it's fine.

l feel better. Much better.

l'm fine.

l'm fine.

Fine, just fine.

- Grard!

ls Auntie's little piggy

going to get hard?

- Uncle Porky's trying, but...

- Come on, my little duckie...

- l'd love to, but what can l do?

l don't understand.

- lt feels like Play-Doh!

- Ow!

- Sorry!

- l don't know...

Maybe something besides duckie?

You know, duckie...

What do you think? l mean...

- Okay, okay.

Are you gonna get hard,

you fat f***ing bastard?!!

- Huh? Don't overdo it.

Paulette, calm down.

Ow.

(growling)

Paulette... Ow.

Bring it on!

- Ow!

(rock-style music)

-Aren't you dancing?

(Arabic-style dance music)

(low-key music)

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- Dom Prignon, 1998.

Taittinger,

Comtes de Champagne,

Cheers, sir.

- Oh! Oh, Grard!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, Grard, yes!

Oh! Yes!

Oh, Grard! Oh!

Oh, Grard!!!!! Yes!!

Oh! Yes!!!

(screaming in ecstasy)

-Are you going to come soon?

My thigh hurts.

(still exclaiming)

(climaxing)

- Would you dance with me, please?

- No, thanks.

(Middle-Eastem-style music)

(slow Latin music)

- Montreal is so beautiful at night.

- lt is.

- The cross always has

a few burned-out bulbs.

Have you noticed?

- No,

but, uh...

now that you mention it,

l'll pay more attention.

- lf two hours each night

we turned off...

... the lights

on the Mont-Royal cross,

we could save

thousands of kilowatt-hours...

... every year.

- Would you like...

more champagne?

-Yes, please.

- Poor you.

We'll try again another time.

Don't worry, we'll make up for it.

Take care of yourself.

Aunt Paulette's going to have

a last night cap.

- Home already?

- Last time l play cards

Saturday night.

- Did you lose?

- No, l didn't lose.

l came out even.

- Let me watch

the end of my film!

(light opera)

- Come dance.

- Gertrude.

Gertrude... Gertrude...

Gertrude!

-Ah! Grard!

Grard, your birdhouse!

- Who cares?!

-Ah! No!

(giggling)

Grard!

(slow music)

(blowing)

(quivering)

(sucking in breath)

(giggling)

- Gertrude!

Gertrude!

- Oh!

- Wait up!

(laughing)

- Wait till l catch you!

C'mere!

- Oh! Losing your pants?

Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh!

- Gertrude!

You drive me wild!

Get over here!

(laughing shyly)

(giggling)

Gertrude! Gertrude! Ha-ha!

(laughing)

Oh, no, Gertrude.

Gertrude, no.

- What's wrong?

- lt's too late.

l came.

- What?

- Yeah, l came.

- What?

- Got you!

- Ow!!!

- What is it?

- Ha-ha! Got you too!

- Gertrude...

- l got you too!

(sighing)

(drunkenly):
l-l-l'm not homosexual.

l told my shrink,

but she wouldn't believe me.

She said l had to test myself.

Well...

it's done. lt's overwith.

l'm not gay.

l didn't get hard.

l'm sorry.

But l'm so happy.

But you're gay.

You got hard.

(groaning)

- Oh, Grard!

- Oh, Gertrude!

(moaning softly)

- Yes, yes, yes, Grard!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes