Daddy Day Care Page #3

So can't women do what men do

and men do what women do?

These guys can do the job.

- You'll vouch for these two?

- Yeah, I'll vouch for them.

- I'll try it.

- You're doing it?

They'll have a great time.

- Okay.

- Right, kids?

You're a real lifesaver.

You screw this up,

I'll kill you with my bare hands.

- Here, now, go to Phil.

- No, I don't want to go.

- Come on. Let go.

- I don't want to go!

He's got a little bit of separation anxiety.

- Dylan!

- I don't want to go!

- I just stopped breastfeeding.

- I'd freak out, too.

- Lf you could grab a leg.

- I don't want to go.

- All right.

- Here we go.

- Here we go.

- Come on, Dylan.

- All right, sweetie.

- I don't want to go.

Come on. Let go of Mum!

Thank you. Oh, man.

- No lactose, no peanuts, no shellfish.

- Nothing high in fructose.

- Or sucrose or dextrose.

- Or maltodextrose.

- Nothing with red dye number six.

- Or number four.

Or yellow dye number two.

Will you say "maltodextrose" for me again?

So cute.

Maltodextrose.

- Or yellow dye number two.

- Two, right.

His name's Crispin.

My man, Crispin!

How's it going, big guy?

What time's pickup?

At 5:
00.

I have laser treatment. Make it 6:00.

Sorry about the outfit. He won't take it off.

How long has he been wearing that?

Couple of weeks.

Who will you call if there are any problems?

911, Mummy.

That's such a good girl.

Come on. I'll let you hold my keys.

How about a Life Saver?

You like Life Savers?

How about money? A dollar?

A dollar.

You are a smart man. That is yours.

All right.

Welcome to Daddy Day Care.

We're your team facilitators.

My name is Charlie and this is Phil.

Anybody ever seen

a mission statement before?

Here. Everybody take one.

Take a mission statement.

Here we go. One for everybody. Slow down.

All right. Okay.

Who wants to be first one

to read the first sentence...

on the mission statement?

Okay, how about you?

I don't read yet.

I'm looking for someone who can read.

By a show of hands,

how many of you can already read?

Raise your hand

if you don't know how to read.

Here's what we'll do.

I'll read the mission statement aloud...

and what I want you guys to do

is just follow along as I read it.

Doesn't that sound like interesting fun?

Here we go.

"As the members and facilitators

of the Daddy Day Care team...

"we will collectively strive to provide... "

Sean, don't eat the mission statement.

Get that out of your mouth.

"... will collectively strive to... "

Don't rip the mission statement, Little

Flash. It's an important document.

Come back here!

What he's really trying to say is...

Stop running!

Come here.

You want the rocket ship?

- One more?

- Rocket ship!

Everybody'll get the rocket ship.

Slow down, everybody.

- I thought you said this would be easy.

- You know what I'm thinking now?

This was a huge mistake.

I never quit anything in life,

but I'm not sure if I can take this.

- I'll be right back.

- Where you going?

- Help me do the rocket ship.

- Trust me.

Four absent children. No explanation.

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

In a group this size,

three absent children is a coincidence.

Four is a statistical anomaly.

Hello, Santa Luma!

Hello, Santa Luma!

Everybody! It's Big Phil with a guitar!

Why don't you guys enjoy Big Phil

while I rest my spine?

Max, bring your dad a chair.

They really like that rocket ship.

When I was a small boy

at the age of five

my mama said

I'd be the greatest man alive

I'm a man

I'm a full-grown man

I'm a fat man

Hey, come on into the kitchen.

Put the lime in the coconut

and drink 'em all up

Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em all up

Put the lime in the coconut

you drink 'em all up

I say, "Doctor,

ain't there nothing I can take?"

I say, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?"

I say, "Doctor... "

Like a rhinestone cowboy

Riding out on a horse

in a star-spangled rodeo

Hava nagila, hava nagila

Hava nagila

I am definitely out of songs.

Lunchtime.

I don't know

if we should be feeding them this stuff.

Why not? Look at them. They love it.

Yeah, but I'm a little worried.

About what?

He tore off his head!

Crispin stole my doll. I need help.

Come on!

You know how old this piano is?

Keep your feet off the piano.

Get your shoes off the couch.

Get them off the couch!

Crispin. Please!

Give me the...

The meat ain't the only fresh thing

around here.

Don't play with that. Give me this.

Leave it alone, okay?

All right.

You get off those drapes.

Stop climbing the drapes. You stop it.

You come here!

Give me the vase!

Put down the vase!

Tomorrow, we give them all organic.

Don't worry, it'll be okay.

How can you say that? Look at this.

What goes up...

You guys are good.

What do you expect?

You left your kids with professionals.

Sorry to leave you hanging.

Since we got laid off,

Sheila's made me make dinner.

Really? How's that going?

It ain't napping.

- Can I take these snack cakes home?

- Go ahead.

How you doing, little man?

That's how you doing?

Excuse me a second.

Give me that. That's too loud.

Let go, it's too loud.

I'm serious. Let go.

It's late. Where's your mum?

Shut up, butthead.

Shut... You stop that.

You know something?

Your mummy and daddy

would not like you talking like that.

When your mummy comes,

I'll tell her that you...

Let's go. Motor's running.

- Get out of here. Hey, I wish you would.

- Stop, Crispin!

- Don't make that face.

- What?

Don't make lines. Quiet the face.

Relax the face. Quiet the face.

Yes, calm your face.

Show no lines, you know.

You got early drop-off?

No, we don't have anything...

I'm going to see you tomorrow.

I'll see you tomorrow, Crispin.

You'll be just like your father.

Look at him.

Hanging off of him, his skin. Hanging off.

- Hey, little man.

- Hey, Dad.

What are you up to?

Just trying to read a story.

Listen, man...

I know I was really busy today

taking care of those other kids.

I know it probably wasn't easy for you

sharing your toys...

and watching Daddy

do rocket ship with everybody, but...

Now it's just us,

we can do whatever you want to do.

- Can we read this story?

- We sure can read this story.

All right.

"There once was a herd of elephants.

"Elephants young, elephants old,

elephants tall and short, fat and thin.

"All were different, but all were happy,

and almost all were the same colour.

"And they all made the elephant sound. "

They all said...

Let me hear you make that sound.

Do it again?

No, I can't do it again,

because Daddy might have an aneurysm.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

I'm not cleaning this up.

Hey, take this in there. Go sit down.

Maybe I haven't had my coffee yet, but

it seems like these kids are multiplying.

- Yeah, we got two new kids.

- Oh, come on!

We'll have to up our game.

We need structure and planned activities.

No, we need Ritalin and leashes,

that's what we need.

All we'll need is this.

Everybody, let's do this.

Everybody, come in here.

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