Damsels in Distress Page #8

l think Rose is sleeping.

Am l boring?

No, not at all.

When you have problems, it's great

to hear someone else's idiotic ones.

Please go on.

- What?

- What you said about...

...depressed people being mean,

you weren't joking.

l'm sorry, you're right. Please go on.

No.

l'm sorry. You know how l am.

Please continue.

Thor decided he absolutely

had to learn all the colors.

Both primary and mixed.

He's been hitting the books hard,

and thought he'd mastered them.

Then, in town, he said,

"That traffic light's blue."

l had to say, "No, it's green."

He was really upset.

Oh, hi, Lily.

Hi.

We were worried about you.

I can't bear this tension with Lily.

lt's terrible to have the group

divided this way.

Better not next to Robertson.

What?

Didn't you hear?

Ed students have been going

up to the roof...

...and throwing themselves off.

- But it's only two stories.

- Yes, l know.

lt's terrible. Not high enough to kill,

but high enough to maim.

And particularly dangerous

for anyone below.

l've got to forget about Fred.

But you really liked him.

This whole thing of a person meeting

someone else first, it's so arbitrary.

- lt's terrible and cruel.

- l have to say, l was wrong about Fred.

l thought he was a playboy

or operator type.

ln fact, he's just another guy

rendered helpless...

- ...by the attentions of a pretty girl.

- Cary! No, don't! l love you!

- Why did you do that?

- Oh, my God!

Cary, l love you!

lsn't the Ed School

essentially a teacher's college?

Yeah.

lf they can't even

destroy themselves...

...how are they going to teach

America's youth?

- What do you think you're doing?

- Sorry. Did l disturb you?

Why are you wearing tap shoes?

You out of your mind?

- l think that's pretty clear.

- l'm so sick of that.

Oh, really? l think it's cute.

Since you won't be treating us to

one of your incompetent tap routines...

- ...why don't you take those things off?

- No. We'll do the routine. Rose.

- Madge wants to see the routine.

- l don't want to see your routine.

- l asked you to take those off.

- We need a break.

Just briefly, please.

lt's helpful to have an audience.

Rose, the music.

l'm gonna report you.

Suzanne.

For me, it'd be Madame Curie,

Simone de Beauvoir...

- ...and Margaret Sanger.

- Good.

Violet.

l would say...

...Richard Strauss,

Roderick Charleston...

...and Chubbard Checker.

- Richard Strauss? The composer?

- Yes, that was one of his posts.

l'm not familiar with the others.

Could you tell us who they are?

Yes. Each one of these men

started an international dance craze.

Richard Strauss, the waltz.

Roderick Charleston, the Charleston.

Chubbard Checker,

known as Chubby...

...the dance we know as the twist.

Why do you consider

a dance craze important?

Dance crazes enhance

and elevate the human experience...

...bringing together

millions of people...

...in a joyous celebration

of our God-given faculties...

...and passing these modes

of physical expression...

...down through the generations.

Though not so much anymore.

l thought--

Well, l assumed that the Charleston...

...was named after

the city of Charleston.

No. Though that misconception

is quite widely held.

lt was Roderick Charleston.

Usually, behind some

great creative phenomenon...

...there's a person, not a town.

This is so exciting.

lt's really great, isn't it?

- Hey, could you guys help?

- Sure. What's up?

We need help packing soap...

...which we'll distribute

to Doar Dorm residents.

Cool.

What would you say are effective

means to fight depression?

Maybe some of your DU brothers

have an idea?

- Beer?

- No. Beer's a downer.

Cocktails. Hard liquor and spirits

is what really gives you a lift.

lt's interesting what you say.

My cousin Jay is a medical officer

in Philadelphia.

He says that alcoholism...

...by which l mean chronic,

excessive consumption of alcohol...

...is the primary self-administered

treatment for depression.

- Cool.

- No.

lt leaves you much worse off

than before.

Oh, no, not me.

l just boot and then l feel fine.

- By "boot" do you mean vomit?

- Yes.

No. None of the effective anti-suicide

treatments involve vomiting.

- Hygiene?

- Exactly.

lt's very important.

That's why we have such hope

in the wonder bar.

Do you know its scent?

Transformative, we think.

This is so exciting.

When should we go over there?

- l don't think there's any rush.

- l'd like to go soon.

Doar Dorm has the highest fatality

rate, as well as the worst hygiene.

Highest suicide rate.

Fatality rate. lt's uncertain

what percentage were intentional...

...and how many were just due

to unawareness of gravity's laws.

l can just see those guys getting

the gold packages, opening them...

...and finding

the good-smelling soap inside.

The cute packaging

should prove irresistible.

And once clean, they'll start

to see the world with new eyes.

The change could be dramatic.

Doar Dorm

could soon become Dior Dorm.

l doubt that,

to be perfectly, absolutely honest.

l love the idea. Dior Dorm.

l adore optimism,

even when it's completely absurd.

- Perhaps especially then.

- Great. Ready? Let's go.

Let's hurry.

Let's not get our hopes up too high,

Heather.

No, you said yourself,

the wonder bar is transformative.

- Hey, Violet. Hi.

- Hi.

- Where you going?

- Doar Dorm.

- Fred, hi.

- Hey.

Good one.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

l guess it wasn't realistic

to expect Doar Dorm...

...to turn into Dior Dorm overnight.

They wouldn't even open them.

They said without the soap,

the discs wouldn't fly properly.

Are you coming Friday?

Violet's launching her dance craze.

Oh, really? That's great.

- What's the dance?

- The Sambola.

The devil's dance.

- Oh, cool. We'll go, right?

- Yes, l'd like to.

But l have several papers to finish.

But l'd like to.

Great. Thanks, Gus.

l don't see how we're going to start

a dance craze if no guys show up.

Most guys aren't very good

with the dance-craze thing.

Very good news. l was just

in my procrastination seminar...

...and the two guys

from Doar Dorm had showered.

lt was clear they'd used soap.

Oh, my gosh, what a difference.

Seems they'd been throwing packages

so energetically, a soap bar fell out.

The unfamiliar ivory-like object

intrigued them...

...and one thing

led to another, and, well....

lt was just as you said.

lsn't that great?

- Oh, look, here's Jimbo.

- Jimbo doesn't count.

Where is everybody?

Aren't we gonna be late

for Violet's dance craze?

You wanna go to that?

Yeah.

- You're kidding.

- No, l love dance crazes.

Gosh, you're strange.

But aren't we already late?

No, it's later on. Like 10, l think.

l have to confess, l've started

losing patience with Violet.

Depression calls

for serious treatment.

Medication.

Psychopharmaceuticals.

Talk therapy.

Are those approaches effective?

Despite the medication and therapy...

...Ed School students are still throwing

themselves off Robertson Hall.

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