Dark Cove Page #3

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fellatio for dessert.

Speaking of dessert people.

It's that time.

Mushrooms!

I'm kind of scared. I've only done shrooms

once and I had a horrible experience.

Yeah, that can happen. But this

time you're with chill people.

We'll take care of you if

you start to bum out.

Yeah, last time that we did

shrooms Joey was so f***ed up

that he spent all night in his

tent in the fetal position.

Tripping out.

Ahhhhhhh!

Man, that was brutal.

I actually thought I was back

in the womb.

Swimming around in my mom's

juices.

I seriously thought I was

swimming around the little egg.

Trying to poke in there like

a f***ing dirty little sperm.

The one that made it but

never made it.

It was really f***ed up.

Never again will I brew a

batch of mushroom tea.

That's how you get f***ed up.

True. When you brew them in tea it's

hard to tell how much you've consumed

so you can get super f***ed up.

Yeah man, it was like this one

time

when I ate way too many

pot brownies.

I actually thought I was dying.

Yeah, like that cop on the internet

who called 911 on himself.

It's because when you digest weed it

metathesizes in your body differently.

It actually releases Eleven

Hydroxy Metabolite

which is four times more

psychoactive than THC.

That's why people get so f***ed

up eating pot brownies.

Who are you? You're the same

guy in science class

I was f***ing trying to finger

Betsy over here

while you're talking about metabo...

whatever the f*** you're saying.

All these stories are really

comforting.

No, you'll be fine. We're out, here,

we're camping, we're with chill people

It's gonna be all good.

We're not doing pot brownies,

just a little shroomage.

Okay, enough of this hype. Let's

eat some of these bad boys.

Mushrooms! I love mushrooms!

Here just start off with this.

It's all good.

That seems like a lot.

No, that's good. That's less than an

eighth. It'll just get you a little buzz.

Big Ian. Here you go.

Here let's get you a little more.

Look at them stem right there.

Thank you.

Mushrooms, mushrooms,

mushrooms!

Here's a little for Jen.

This batch is particularly

disgusting.

Yeah. These are f***ing rancid.

It's just part of the

experience.

It's a love/hate thing.

We should play a drinking

game.

I'm down. Maybe one that

involves stripping.

We should play "I Never".

What's "I Never"?

It's where you say something

crazy that you've done

and if other people have

done it they have to drink.

F*** that. "I Never" is so

lame.

It's the same thing every

time.

"I've never had sex on a plane,

I've never had sex on a train"

"I've never came all over a girl's

face and had a midgit lick it off"

I've never done that.

I've had sex in an airport

but never on a plane.

Although I have jerked it

on a plane before.

Yeah, I have too. It was on

my flight to Thailand.

That is a long, long flight.

I did it on a flight to Toronto.

You jacked it on a domestic

flight? That's only four hours.

Did you just do it in the

bathroom?

F*** no. Right in my seat while

the lady beside me was sleeping.

You think that's bad? I jerked

off on a Grayhound bus once.

I was in the washroom givin' when

the bus driver slams on the brakes

just as I was about to unleash

the fury.

I hit the wall and jizz starts

f***ing flying everywhere.

My God!

I made a f***ing mess of myself.

It was so bad.

I'm ninety percent sure that Joey

played the gimp in Pulp Fiction.

Alright, who needs another

beer?

I'll take one.

Joey, aren't you glad that

you're not working tonight?

I know. Thank God. I'd probably be

serving some Americans right now.

They'd be like. "Sir, this iced

tea is disgusting"

"I want an un-sweetend ice tea with a lemon.

And I'll sweet'n it myself with some Splenda."

Yeah, and how you can tell

they're American is they

always say "I want" or "I'm

gonna have the New York steak"

Canadians are so polite and

always say "May I please have"

But we forgive the Yanks because they're

way better tippers than Canadians

or anyone else for that matter

You really think so?

I agree. Americans always

tip 15 to 20 percent.

Canadians for the most part only

tip 10 to 15 percent.

Exactly. And Canadians need to know

that 10 percent is not a good tip.

It's kind of cool how Americans put alot

of effort into remembering your name

It's like "Hi Quinn. Thank

you very much Quinn"

"Quinn, could I get some more

napkins to wipe my face?"

"I have chicken grease on

my face"

I think the best customers are gay guys.

They're awesome and they tip huge.

True, gay guys are the best

customers.

They appreciate the service, they always

have a good time and they tip very well too.

When I used to serve my best

customers were always the cougars.

Any group of women over 40 on a girl's

night out, I used to work that sh*t.

I took down a 43 year old one

night.

My God Joey!

I met her at "Hugo's" one night.

She ended up taking me back

to her place

pinches my cheek and says

"You remind me of my son"

Ohhhhh!

Joey, that's disturbing.

That's like some sort of reverse

Edipus complex.

She was probably the most aware

chick I've ever boned

totally down with anything. She would say the

most outrageous sh*t when I was nailing her.

I was doing her from behind and she

says "Are you enjoying my p*ssy?"

"Are you enjoying it? Show

my p*ssy who's boss baby!"

And as she came she thanked me.

She thanked you for making

her cum, like right after?

No, she thanked me while she

was having her orgasm

Yeah, yeah, yeah, THAAAANK

YOOOOUUUU!

On that note, I'm going

to take a piss.

Try not to piss on a cougar

while you're out there.

F***, that freak probably

would have loved it

but I'm not into any of that

pissing stuff during sex

that is one line Deezio will

never cross.

Isn't it f***ed up that almost all

of us have university degrees

and everyone besides Ian are

waiting tables for a living.

I mean, I just turned 25. When I was

younger I thought I'd be ballin' by now.

Yeah, but look at everyone

else our age that we know

No one's totally successful at

24, 25. It takes time.

Here we go, the conversation is gettting

all in-depth and philosophical.

At least we know the shrooms

have kicked in.

I'm definitely feeling something

For sure, I'm feeling it. That's part

of the reason for doing psycheledelics

is to reveal the truth. The truth

about the world and about yourself.

Yeah Quinn, but sometimes it's hard to face

the truth about yourself and you can bum out

Let's just chill and have a good time.

We don't need to get so intense.

It's all good, I'm chillin'

I'm just saying that the fact that

I busted my ass for four years

to get this seemingly useless

bachelor of arts degree is f***ed up

I've had my degree for a year and

I'm looking for a government job

and Ian's not a server anymore. He's articling

for a really good accounting firm in Vancouver.

Yeah, I know. But there's got

to be something more

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