Date and Switch Page #5

- I'm Greg.

- I'm Matty. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Let me tell you about Pirom.

- He came over on a boat....

- Do you wanna watch this one more time?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Em. Em.

Hey.

- Can you do me a huge favor?

- What?

I need a ride.

Well, thanks for driving me to the shop.

Heh, no problem. I got in an accident

the day I got my license...

...and my parents totally freaked out

so I know what it's like.

- How many accidents have you been in?

- Like, five or six.

Wait, seriously?

Should I be driving with you?

Oh, sh*t, I got a text. Hold on.

Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.

I'm kidding. I've only been in four.

- You have nothing to worry about, heh...

- Watch the road, please.

Wow.

- Hey, have you talked to Matty recently?

- No.

He's been acting really weird.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I mean, I know it's not an easy time,

but, um, I don't know.

No English? Can you...?

The bumper, bumpero is no good.

It needs changing. Come back. You can't

just do this. My bumper's messed up.

- Does anyone here speak English?

- What's going on?

I'm screwed. No one here

speaks any English and....

So you're just gonna drive around

with a big old red bumper...

...on your little periwinkle car?

It's gun metal and it might not be

so bad if I drive at night.

No, they messed up your car.

That's unacceptable. Excuse me.

You don't have to, uh....

Don't yell at him.

Heh, thank you.

This sh*t is so much better

than that American sh*t.

These guys are Mexican.

They are hardcore.

- Oh, who's this guy?

- Oh, yeah, that is the Super Gato.

- He's like a man-cat thing.

- Sh*t.

When he beats somebody,

he pours milk on him...

...and then he, like, licks it off.

He calls it "licking the leche."

- No, I'm not into that.

- It's not okay.

That's weird.

- What about this gentleman right here?

- Yeah! Yeah!

That's El Scientifico Loco, it's

the mad scientist. He's my favorite.

He's like the Mexican version

of Stephen Hawking.

And he rolls around in his little chair,

acting like a b*tch.

And then he gets bullied and just

rises up and regulates. It's awesome.

Dude, how are you a gay guy?

I don't know. I just am.

- How are you a gay guy?

- I don't know, man.

- This is fun. Like, it's a good time.

- Yeah.

I enjoy hanging out with you, man.

You know, you're like a

good friend-type dude, person thing.

Thank you, man.

Yes. Um, yeah,

it's easy to get a quick lay...

...but the friendship part

is hard to come by.

- Yeah! Yeah, that's it.

- F*** him up!

Oh, sh*t.

- F***, yeah!

- F*** you, cat!

Here comes the robot voice.

- What?

- Here comes the robot voice. Hold on.

And....

Yeah!

Yes, you are el campen.

Yeah, you are el campen.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Bring it in right here.

Okay, yeah.

I shouldn't have had a drink.

I shouldn't have had a drink.

Yeah, okay.

- Meet me in the parking lot.

- Yeah, yeah.

You got it, man.

- Hey, Dad.

- Hey.

- Whoa, what is that?

- That is your mom's anniversary gift.

Another reminder

that I got life by the balls.

- Check it out.

- Is that one of those rotisserie grills?

No, it is the

Ronco Showtime Rotisserie.

I nailed it. She is gonna love it.

You know why?

Women love kitchen stuff.

I mean, as much as we like to deny it

in this PC day and age, it's true.

Men like cars, men like trucks.

This, it's like a truck to her.

Oh, I thought I heard voices.

Oh, my God.

- No, you did not.

- Oh, I did.

- Is that the Ronco Showtime?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Set it and forget it?

- Set it and forget it.

Ha, ha, oh, my God. Daddy, you are

so thoughtful. Come here.

Ha, ha, oh, I am gonna make

the best chicken for you.

The skin is gonna be so crispy.

- Oh, I love crispy skin.

- It is going to be crispiest skin.

Chicky, chicky, chicky.

Oh, my gosh, I'm just so excited.

I'm gonna go print out

my Internet recipes.

- All right.

- Oh, Matty, your father is something else.

Okay.

- Hey, Matty. What have you been up to?

- What are you talking about?

Last couple days I haven't seen you.

What you been doing?

Nothing. Just, like,

hanging out at home and stuff.

- Why are you being so weird?

- I'm not being weird.

You have an intense, crazy guy look

in your eyes right now.

No, I don't.

All right, I'll see you at practice.

I got to run.

- Where do you have to run?

- I'm gonna assume you're joking now.

You're hilarious.

- And then:
Boom, boom.

- Yeah.

- You're late.

- Yeah. Sorry, guys. You pumped to sing?

Actually, I might still need more time.

We don't have very much time.

The audition's in a few days.

- I'm having trouble with these lyrics.

- Dude, it's the Golden Girls theme song.

Everyone knows the lyrics of that.

That sh*t's iconic.

- Ready, Josh?

- Yeah.

Let's go.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba

Thank you for being a friend

Sing a little louder, Mike.

Travel down the road

- Can't hear you.

- Can't hear sh*t.

Dude, let's just sing.

- Come on, Mike.

- No, man. No, no, no. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Look, this is not what we are. We are an

instrumental TV theme song cover band.

- Yeah. We were, until now.

- I wanna play prom, Michael.

I wanna play this song

and I wanna f*** some chicks.

My f***ing is directly linked

to your singing.

Let's do what we usually do.

Look, there's no way we're gonna win if

we don't do the Golden Girls theme song.

- We're all in agreement?

- F***ing A.

- Yeah.

- There you go.

Maybe then we just shouldn't do it at all.

What are you...?

You seriously doing this right now?

Yep. You can't force me to sing.

I'm not a singer.

- Jesus, man. Grow some f***ing balls.

- I am. These are my balls.

Me leaving. Those are my balls.

Then I wouldn't sing and we're not even

gonna audition now and it just sucks.

You had a vision. You stuck to your guns.

My entire life is sh*t.

- You know I asked Ava to prom?

- No.

- Yep. Yep.

- No.

- She is no longer interested, Michael.

- I know.

I never should have broken up with her.

She's got the face of an angel.

The body of an angel.

She is like an angel

that you really wanna have sex with.

Yeah, I wouldn't feel that bad.

She's not really an angel.

Yeah, she is.

I'm gonna tell you something

because I want you to feel like...

...you can just really get over her.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Ava was hooking up with Anthony

before you broke up with her.

- What?

- She was cheating on you.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Well, at least she's super uptight...

...and, you know, she won't let anyone

get past second base.

Yeah, she wasn't that uptight

with Anthony.

What? Did she have sex with him?

I'm sorry.

No. Thanks for telling me.

They also had anal sex.

- What?

- No, I'm just kidding.

I just thought that would make you feel

better about the regular sex thing.

- That actually kind of worked.

- You're welcome.

Yeah.

I'm never gonna touch

another girl again.

- Here we go.

- I am so mediocre.

You're not that mediocre.

Heh, you're gonna be fine.

Ava is my friend, I think.

But even when you guys were going out,

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