Dear Dictator Page #5

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- Oh, thank you.

That video was left anonymously

at On Scene News KSDD.

Now, Vincent's whereabouts

are unknown at this time,

but authorities do suspect

that he could be hiding out

in the mountains outside the capital.

The strange image

of actor Jennifer Lawrence

has prompted the Oscar winner

to step up security.

- Isn't that odd?

- Very. It's a strange story.

It's only a matter of time

before my comrades contact me.

Tell you what, let's cook something.

Celebrate all our successes, you know.

Not American fast food.

- She doesn't cook.

- I do.

In the siege of 1992,

we were in the mountains,

and we had to forage for food

and cook it for ourselves.

I imagine you have chocolate.

Always.

Tatiana, in the pocket of my uniform,

you'll find dried cayenne pepper.

- Got it.

- Great.

I had a Latina governess,

and this is her famous mole Maria.

No sh*t, I have never seen

anything so pretty.

Not in this kitchen,

you haven't.

I gotta document this

before we go and ruin it.

Now I remember why I don't cook.

It's hard with no help.

Yeah. It's always just been...

her and me.

Where's your husband?

I never had that.

- You?

- Oh, she passed away.

Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, we were separated before that.

- Oh.

I was a good leader of men

and a bad companion of women.

I'm like you.

Yeah. I'm... I'm a bad companion to men.

You're a good leader of women.

Tatiana has tremendous potential.

No one's ever said that to me before.

Then no one's been paying attention.

I don't know what it is about you,

but you just make me want to be better.

- Good night, General Vincent.

- Good night, Miss Miles.

You're not actually

going to eat this crap?

I happen to like my tacos, b*tch.

Oh, how very street of you.

I'd rather eat antifreeze.

- You mean drink.

- Whatever, brain surgeon.

- What are you doing?

- Cutting.

- You can't just cut.

- Why not? You do it.

Go back, maxi pad.

I don't use maxi pads, reject.

Oh, my God.

What is she doing?

- Here's some ketchup for your salad.

- Ew, gross!

- She totally Red Lobstered you.

- Oh...

- Chiv, help me up!

- No, you're covered in nastiness.

Whale tails are the opiates

of the masses!

Ooh!

All right, Teddy,

just count backwards from ten.

Ten, nine...

OK.

You wanted things to go back

to the way they were.

Right now?

This is the way things were.

Mm, Dr Charles.

Oh.

Oh, put your tongue all over me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're such a man.

Coalition forces

are still searching for clues

to the whereabouts of Anton Vincent.

- Stay down!

- Don't move!

- Stay!

- Don't move!

Stay on the ground. Stay down.

Why do you have this?

Why do you have this?

Where'd you get it?

Hey, where'd you get it?

Where'd you get this?

Dnde est?

You guys speak Spanish?

Anton Vincent?

You're back early.

Tough day. All that jazz.

Look. I fixed the tap. No drip.

What do you say you and I go out

for a couple drinks

and just laugh our asses off?

Well, I wouldn't want to put you

in any danger.

We'll go somewhere

no one will recognise you.

This is the only place

Charles ever brought me

because he knew

his wife wouldn't show up.

Can you believe it?

Here. Try again.

Oh. At last.

- Well.

- Well, you get an automatic six.

- How was his game?

- Charles?

He sucked worse than you.

I always had to miss on purpose.

Sometimes I wish

I could be a lesbian, you know?

Like, I have spent

my whole life chasing men,

like they're gonna come in

and fix all my problems.

They're men. I mean, think about it.

There are no girl rapists

or serial killers...

except for that chick

they made a movie about,

but that doesn't count,

'cause she looked like a dude.

When was the last time you heard

about a woman child molester?

Hmm? I mean,

when there's an amber alert,

are they ever looking

for a five-foot-two blonde,

driving a VW Bug? No!

Because women don't have

that whole power-trip deal.

I mean, there's never even been

a lady dictator, has there?

Some women who married dictators

carried on after their husband died.

But I agree with you.

Men have written history,

not always justly.

Women who feel like you do

should take power.

And if they do better,

I'd be the first to applaud.

- You're right.

- Wait.

What?

Behind you, by the children's ride.

Someone is watching us.

What do we do?

Drop your club.

I paid three cents for that on Amazon,

plus the shipping and handling.

That should be read

by every military leader.

Just be careful ordering stuff

on the internet, OK?

Now is the time, you know,

to expand your power base,

bring your teachers under your yoke.

Oh, and the, uh,

the boy in the garage.

- Denny?

- You have emotion for him.

- He could be a threat.

- OK. No, no, no.

First off, I don't have

any emotions for Denny.

Get that straight.

Second, he's too scared of his dad

to be a threat to anyone.

He's afraid of his father?

Yeah. His dad's, like,

a superhero-level Christian.

I mean, like, he would ground

him for life if he found out

that he had sex with Sarvia.

Well, you should expose him, then.

No. I could never do that.

I mean, OK, I am pissed

at him for being an idiot,

but that would be way too harsh.

That's why you do it.

Making them fear you is just as good,

if not better,

than making them love you.

Aren't you supposed to be focusing

on your own revolution?

I mean, your men

aren't exactly punctual.

Are you questioning

the loyalty of my men?

No, I-I just thought, like,

maybe you had your own problems

to deal with.

They are bivouacking

in the mountains,

and I could get a communique

from them at any hour.

OK. You don't have to

get all hissy. I get it.

Please, Father, relieve my burden.

Dennis, get your heinie down here

and wash these dishes.

Coming. Just saying my prayers.

Who wins the human race?

I do.

Where'd you get that?

- Good one.

- I'm serious.

You forwarded it. To everyone.

- Where's Denny?

- Probably digging his own grave.

Denny!

What?

Denny, I didn't do it!

You were supposed to be

the only other person who saw it.

Do you realise what a bag of crap

my life is about to turn into?

I'm sorry.

Anton, open up!

I told you not to mess with Denny,

and you did it anyway.

You cyberbullied him.

It's the worst thing

you can do to someone!

Oh, I can think of a few worse things.

- He thinks I did it.

- You should have.

"Conscience doth make cowards

of us all."

That's Hamlet. A leader for the ages.

Who got assassinated.

Yes. A noble end.

- Screw you!

- You too.

Pick up.

Hi, Denny, it's me.

Look, I swear I did not leak that video.

You have no idea

how insane it is over here.

Please, please, please

call me back, OK? Bye.

Mom, did you hear that?

Anton, what's that noise?

There you go.

Anton, no!

What are you doing?

- He was spying on me.

- Are you milkboarding him?

Well, I'm procuring information.

- He's a government agent.

- I know this guy.

Mr Spines?

Mr Spines?

This is my social studies teacher!

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