Dear Dumb Diary Page #4

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Maybe we can resell them.

Oh, no.

What is it?

Granny panties.

They look like

old army-man parachutes

with two big holes

shot through them.

She must have thought we were

on some clothing drive or something.

Well, if at first you don't succeed,

try try again.

Okay.

But if any old lady

gives me a bag of her giant bras,

I'm out.

You have to give 'em

a taste of the product.

Show 'em what they're investing in.

Feet like fire, Jamie Kelly!

Feet like fire.

I taught her everything she knows.

Would you like to sponsor me,

Mrs. Cutler?

Ah, my pleasure.

Mmm, well,

best of luck, Jamie.

Thanks, Mrs. Cutler.

We're also collecting

for another charity today.

We are?

The Juvenile Optometry Federation.

They supply eyeglasses and such

to underprivileged kids.

Well, aren't you two

the little do-gooders?

I'd be proud to give you...

$5.

Look how self-sacrificing Isabella is.

She's basically like Gandhi

with a bowl haircut and glasses.

Yeah, I got all the information

about this charity online.

You can help me collect for it

if you want.

And so, DDD, as we went door to door,

not only were people shocked

and amazed by my jump-roping skills...

...but we also picked up

a few bucks here and there

for the Juvenile Optometry Federation.

# If you're with me, with me #

# Let me hear ya #

# Get your hands together

so that we can feel ya #

# It don't matter what they do #

# It don't matter what they say #

# We're rock stars, do it our way,

don't change #

# You're the same girl #

In your face, Angeline.

Now I'm as gentle and sweet as you.

Take that, you toad.

- Is that-

- Granny panties

as far as the eye can see.

Stinker! Ugh!

Ugh! Must not touch

granny panties with hands.

Plan B. Get to work.

You too!

- What time is it?

- 4:
52. Why?

Hurry. Just hurry!

Sometimes things

that seem really gross at first

can seem less gross if you just dig in

and deal with the grossness.

Sometimes if you just pretend

things aren't gross,

the grossness just kind of goes away.

But not this time.

Jamie!

He rides past on his way from soccer

every day at the same time.

It could be worse.

These old-lady panties

could still have old ladies in 'em.

I've heard from some reliable sources

that Angeline

does the Zone Shampooing.

She shampoos

each zone of her head

with its own distinct fragrance

of shampoo.

Whenever she tosses her hair,

she shoots a delicious waft of fragrance

right at your unsuspecting nose.

You know, there is one way

to make Angeline disappear.

If that permanent record's gone, poof!

Are you sure about that?

Have I ever been wrong

about anything?

What about that one time

you tried tanning yourself

with flashlights

and a magnifying glass?

Okay, so she won't disappear exactly,

but we might find

some embarrassing info

and tarnish her reputation forever.

Wow. Aunt Carol's influence

has really turned this place around.

Hi, Jamie.

Wait a second, Jamie.

I just have some flowers to replace.

What a wonderful surprise

to have you come visit.

Is it business or pleasure?

Oh! I was wondering,

is Assistant Principal Devon here?

No, he's at lunch.

You want to leave a message for him?

No. I was just looking for...

- a paper clip.

- Oh.

Here you go.

No, no. A bigger paper clip.

A big red paper clip.

Do you think Assistant Principal Devon

might have a big red paper clip?

Maybe. He is just nuts

about office supplies.

- Why don't you go and look?

- Just walk right in?

You are my niece. Go ahead.

- Jamie!

- Hey. Back from lunch?

Yes. But I believe you and I

have something bigger to talk about.

We do?

We sure do.

Look, I can explain.

You don't have to.

Your posters say everything.

My posters?

I've seen your Juvenile Optometry

Federation signs everywhere.

I am so proud of you and Isabella

for taking on this charity.

It even makes me feel bad

for cautioning you against Isabella.

I want to commend the two of you

for making this world

a better place to be.

Or should I say...

bee"?!

Buzz, buzz.

Here, I want to contribute.

This is what happens

when you put others

before yourself... magic.

Jamie!

Look what I found.

We've got everything here.

Ah!

Wow.

- Mmm! Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Okay, ready?

- Ready. Go.

Ah.

- That was so good.

- So yummy.

So how come Aunt Carol

never showed up for dinner?

Oh, no reason.

Plans, work stuff, you know.

Sounds to me like she's got

a big hot date.

No.

Ew! Old people dating.

Seriously, can you imagine

anything as repulsive

as two old people

locked in some withering embrace?

Their dusty decrepit flesh

brushing up against each other?

Their bony fingers clutching...

Jamie. She's 32.

32?!

I didn't realize she was that old.

And just when I thought

I couldn't get grossed out anymore,

Stinker proved me wrong.

Ew ew ew! Clean air!

Ay, help!

I'm not sure

if she's going to make it, nurse.

She inhaled a lot

of pure dog stink.

So Mom let me

sleep in the living room

in case the beagle fumes

could have had

any permanent effects

on my development.

All right, so then what?

When we were eating,

he just grabbed my hand.

- Mmm!

- Yeah.

- And then the other hand.

- Both hands?

- Yeah.

- He did not.

- Yeah, it was very romantic.

- He did not!

- Carol.

- And he asked me out again.

Carol, stop it!

Oh, don't be so old-fashioned.

I've heard a thing or two...

Red alert.

Right now at this very second,

I think my aunt Carol

is telling my mom about...

well, I think it really

is about a big gross date.

And?

Oh, he had these strong, warm,

- George Clooney lips.

- Mm-hmm.

Which is so gross to listen to.

It's all I can do

to keep eavesdropping.

These powerful,

masculine Ben Affleck hands.

Ben Affleck, really?

Is he known for his hands?

Ew. Adult city.

That's it.

But, wait. I'm trying to imagine

the kind of guy

Aunt Carol could possibly date.

He would have to be

someone who is, A:

More attractive than Aunt Carol,

but dumber,

B:
Less attractive than Aunt Carol,

but funnier,

C:
The exact same level

of attractiveness,

but shorter,

- D:
The owner of a really hot car.

- (TIRES SCREECH)

Why don't you just take a picture?

So then I can be the weird girl

who takes stalker-like photos

and plays with old ladies'

undergarments?

You don't know what Hudson likes.

Lots of guys

might find that attractive.

- Name one.

- Big Foot.

Frankenstein.

Big Foot!

Hey, Jamie, good morning.

It feels like there's

something electric in the air.

Cute jacket, by the way.

Um, what just happened?

You think she senses

I'm her competition

for the Jump-A-Thon?

She's trying to get

in your brain, Jamie.

Don't let her in there.

Don't let her in!

Class, I thought

we'd spice things up a bit.

Today we're making valentines.

But it's, like, four months

until Valentine's Day.

Well, this is why you're in school-

to practice stuff.

Oh, and don't put your name

on anything.

Isabella, don't you think Hudson

is the cutest boy

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