Dear Dumb Diary Page #5

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in the whole school?

Actually, he's eighth.

What?

I've scientifically ranked

all the guys in our school

based on my cuteness scale.

According the science of Boy-ology,

Hudson is the eighth-cutest guy

in our school.

I've done a very accurate study

which accounts for looks, personality,

physicality and fashion sense.

Eighth is all right with me.

# In first place is Andy Clyde S

# He's got a crush

on Claire Vanderhyde #

# His shirt's always untucked

and his shoes are untied #

# And whenever he smiles,

you get all squirmy inside #

# Brian Buxbaum is #2 #

# He moved here last year

from Kalamazoo #

# He used to be in fifth place,

but then he grew J'

# He's just not my type S

# Maybe he's for you #

# Hudson Rivers

is the eighth cutest guy in my school #

# He's a lifeguard in training #

# At the cuteness gene pool #

# You might say #

# Go for one, two or three #

# I think eight is my fate #

# 'Cause he's more

than just a number to me #

# The Hoffenberg twins

are three and four #

# Glenn collects ninjas

and Gavin's a bore #

J' Calder MacMillan

holds down the fifth place S

# But I think there's

something weird about his face #

# Sixth is Josh Chapman,

he lives on my block #

# Fred Wells is seventh,

he's kind of a jock S

# I could go down the list,

say who's in and who's out J'

# But there's only one name #

# That I care about #

# Hudson Rivers

is the eighth cutest guy in my school #

# He may not be Einstein #

# But I say he's nobody's fool #

# You might say #

# Go for one, two or three #

# I think eight is my fate #

# He's more

than just a number to me #

- # You might say #

- # Just follow your heart #

# I know Hudson and me #

- # Are more than the sum of our parts #

# You might say #

# Go for one, two or three #

# I know eight is my fate #

# He's more than a number to me. #

Ah!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jamie, could I ask you a question?

Why do I feel

like I've imagined this before?

I was just wondering why you haven't

asked me to sponsor you

- for the Jump-A-Thon.

- You want to sponsor me?

Okay.

Jamie, I love your valentine.

It's perfect.

If Michelangelo and da Vinci

had a baby,

and it was a card,

it would look like this.

Mmm!

- Thanks.

- Yeah, sure.

Hudson.

Is that you? Hudson.

Did you hear that?

He doesn't think I'm some creepy

panty-picker-upper.

Or he finds it attractive.

I'm just sayin'!

Jamie Kelly.

Just the girl I wanted to see.

I wanted to let you know,

and Isabella,

that because of the success

of the Juvenile Optometry Federation,

the town paper wants to come

and interview you both.

- No way!

- Way.

It's about two girls

making a difference,

taking it upon themselves

to think of others.

- We'll be in the paper?

- Yes.

- Will there be a picture?

- Yep.

- Will it be in color?

- Think so.

- Will it be bigger than this?

- I don't know.

Can I do a snazzy over-the-shoulder?

Sure.

Yes!

Dear dumb diary,

all this giving to people

is really paying off.

I can even feel myself

getting more beautifuller inside.

Soon my inner beauty

will be so enflamed

that it will rupture through my skin

and spew bubbling squirts of beauty

all over the floor

that the janitors will have to clean up

with their special throw-up sawdust.

Isn't it magnificent?

Aunt Carol, isn't this going to be

a musical number?

Sorry. Budget cuts.

- What?

- MAN #2:
I thought I had a tap solo.

This is ridiculous.

I'm... I'm gonna call my agent.

Don't think you're going

to get away with this.

This is unprofessional!

This is why I don't do film!

Hey, sweet pea,

how was your day?

Fine.

Is that one of Stinker's chew toys?

A lot of things look like chew toys.

Hey, guys, don't wait up.

Call if I need you. Love you, bye!

And so, dumb diary,

now that I'm beautiful

like Aunt Carol,

I can understand

why men flock to her.

I myself feel like I could stare

at my reflection for hours,

lost in the gaze of my own beauty.

It's not weird to check yourself out.

It's not!

Birthday-cake frosting?!

Is that supposed to make

the meatloaf more appealing?

- Oh, no.

- What?

Angeline-she's been grinning

at me for two weeks.

Maybe it's some curse she learned

using the flawless reflection

of her teeth.

Ruthless with her

Jedi mind tricks, she is.

- What was that?

- Adorable hand wave.

Oh, that's low. Real low.

I don't think you should

keep coming to this school

if she continues

this kind of behavior.

Oh, no.

She's coming over here with that big old

gorgeous smile on her face.

- What do we do?

- Be strong, Jamie.

You must resist her evil.

- Jamie!

- Ah!

Oh, my gosh! Amazing!

I feel like I've been playfully mauled

by a really sweet grizzly.

That's a maneuver

that could easily kill a person.

Look! It's spreading.

Aunt Carol, no!

That's the move!

Look, she's attempting

little tiny stampy stamps.

She's flipping her hair

back and forth,

or at least trying.

And she's even making

that little squealy sound

that makes puppies pee.

Definitely gigglecide!

You know, I think

it really is the meatloaf.

Do you think the meatloaf

is finally making everyone crazy?

One can hardly imagine the madness

going on inside the mind of Bruntford.

# What is it about school cafeterias #

# That makes the meatloaf

so mysterious? #

# Gets you hooked

like a book by Dickens #

# Add gray gravy

and the plot just thickens #

- # What magic's in the meat? #

- # Magic #

# What makes it

such a treat to eat? #

# Makes you want to move

your feet to the beat #

# And wiggle and giggle #

# What magic's in the meat? #

- # What happens in that oven #

- # Magic #

# That turns 'em into

meatloaf-1 ovin' fools like me? #

# It's a meatloaf mystery... #

Yum.

# Don't you dare question

my strange ingredient #

# My recipe demands obedience #

# You know you're hungry #

# Don't try to fight it #

# You're gonna eat it

and you're gonna like it #

- # What is that secret flavor #

- # Magic #

# That makes you want

to squeeze your neighbor? #

# Can't you see

it's a meatloaf mystery? #

# Don't touch that broccoli #

# Not so hasty #

# Come try a bite of me #

# Mmm, you know I'm tasty #

- # What magic's in the meat? #

- # Magic #

# What makes it such a treat to eat? #

# Makes you want to move your feet

to the beat #

# And wiggle and giggle... #

# What magic's in the meat? #

- # What happens in that oven #

- # Magic #

# That turns 'em

into meatloaf-lovin' fools #

# Like me? #

# It's a meatloaf mystery #

# Magic in the meat #

Jamie!

Jamie, eat your meatloaf!

If you're not going to eat it,

then I will.

Hmm!

Call 9-1...

Wait a minute.

The office ladies are here,

which means the office is empty.

If any permanent record

wanted to disappear forever,

now would sure be a great time.

Oh.

This is ridiculous.

Well, Holly,

I have feelings for you.

They're just the wrong ones,

I guess.

- I-I-

I can't believe this.

There was a lot of time and effort

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