Dear Dumb Diary Page #6

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that was put into that.

- Um, what, the valentine?

- Yes!

- It's a beautiful valentine.

- Yes, it is. It's got glitter.

Holly, acceptance is seeing

with your heart, not with your eyes.

Oh! I don't want to talk about it.

- Holly, don't take it personally.

- Don't!

Holly, the road to success

is always paved with destruction!

Stop it! No!

Wait. That's the valentine I made.

Dan. How about lunch.

Miss Anderson.

Stinker.

They say guilt can make you

do strange things.

Who knew putting yourself

in a candy coma

would be one of them?

I can't tell if I feel sick

because I stole Angeline's record

or because I just at

10 chocolate bars in a row.

Fine, 32.

Hey, Jamie, I know...

wow, okay.

Okay.

I know that you are doing

some serious jump-rope training

and fundraising, and I get

that it may be stressing you out.

But you really need to clean

your room.

We are having a little party here

for Aunt Carol on Saturday night

and we need this to be

the coat room.

And I am afraid

that there may be things alive

under this pile of-

What?! Jamie! Whaaa!

Thanks for the support.

No more chocolate!

Stinker, have you seen

my dumb diary anywhere?

I should have excavated

down to it by now.

Where is it?

No. No. No.

Ew!

I still feel sick.

Jamie.

Do you want to feel sick,

sick of yourself

for the rest of your life?

Do you ever think

you'll stop feeling sick

until Angeline's gone for good?

There's something wrong

with your little floating doughnut.

It's a halo, stupid!

Guys, the record!

Don't do it, Jamie.

You don't know the consequences.

What if you're forced

to wear stripes in prison?

Horizontal stripes!

So unflattering!

Go away.

Oh! Isabella!

Isabella.

I feel like my inner beauty

might be fading.

We need to go around

and raise more money

for the Juvenile

Optometry Federation.

Um, well,

we don't have to anymore.

See, I sent them all the money

and now they have enough.

What?

We totally filled up

an entire charity?

Isabella! Isabella!

What happened to your eyes?

They're green, like jelly beans.

I got contacts. Cool, huh?

Where'd you get the money

for contacts?

The Juvenile Optometry Federation.

Plus I had a few bucks saved up.

Forget the signature lip-gloss flavor.

Now it's my eyes

that everyone will notice.

Isabella, what about

all the inner beauty

we worked so hard for?

Look, they're in my eyes, right?

And they're beautiful.

Bang-inner beauty.

They didn't have the tinted ones,

so I colored them in myself.

I may have used a little bit

too much green marker

and I... I might have wrecked

the left one.

Mommy.

- You faked a charity!

- And you helped me.

Right, so if I rat you out,

I'll be in as much trouble as you.

We faked the principal,

which is like faking out the president!

But when you say it like that,

it sounds bad!

They're supposed

to interview us next week.

- What are we gonna do?

- I don't know.

Lie in print, to the whole city?

What kind of supportive

friend are you?

- Me?! You lied, Isabella!

- I don't need this, Jamie!

No. No. To the right.

No. Your other right.

So much for

my over-the-shoulder shot.

Bottom line,

Isabella is selfish.

You don't want

to end up like that.

Hey!

Did you hear they might stop

serving meatloaf

since it poisoned Bruntford?

Looks like now they're serving...

What do you old people eat, anyway?

- Uh, beef stew and noodles.

- Bran muffins.

- Yeah! That's what they have.

- No!

I've learned

that it's really not that hard

to fool adults.

And this is in no way

comforting to us kids.

Hey, guys, check this out.

Why not?

"Maybe he is just slightly

too cute for me.

I'm right on the edge of adorable."

Oh, my gosh!

"But if I'm really really lucky

and keep my fingers crossed,

he could become mildly disfigured."

"Then Hudson and I

would be on the same level!"

Hey, can I see that?

It's you!

You're so upbeat and encouraging.

What is it you always say?

- "We're all in this to..."

- Sorry.

You're on your own, "cupcake."

Hey, honey,

sorry you're not feeling well.

I can't believe I did the right thing.

Whatever made me feel

like I should do the right thing?

What's that?

Nothing.

I just need to go home

and lie down.

Dear dumb piece of paper,

I'm writing to you

instead of my diary

because my diary has been stolen.

Of course you understand

that I am de-stroyed!

I don't think

I'll ever be able

to return to school again...

unless I get extreme plastic surgery

so no one will recognize me.

But considering

my mom won't even

buy me a cell phone,

I don't know how I'm going to get her

to spring for plastic surgery...

...just because I'm too embarrassed

to be myself at school.

And in case my children

are reading this years from now,

this is the exact moment

that Angeline ruined any chance

of everlasting love

between your father and me.

And it's her fault

your last name is "Buttalington"

or something lame like that.

The future.

I wonder if when I'm older,

any of this will even matter.

So what if middle-school Jamie

is a total loser?

It's not gonna be that way

for future Jamie.

# Dear future Jamie #

# It's me, I mean it's you #

# Only younger #

# Do you remember

how complicated life used to be #

# When everything seemed

so unfair? #

# But you don't care anymore,

do you? #

# What with your fabulous career #

# As United States Ambassador #

# And your movie-star boyfriend #

# And I bet you never shed

a single tear for me #

# Jamie of the past #

# 'Cause you grew up really fast #

# Like your new scooter #

# So how's the weather in Bermuda? #

# Dear future Jamie #

# Just look at you now #

# In your big beach house #

# With your personal staff #

# And have you ever told them

that old story #

# 'Bout how they stole your diary

from me #

# Oh boy,

I bet that gets a good laugh #

# But that was long before

you won the Oscar #

# And the Nobel Prize j'

# And started

saving Sunday afternoons #

# For family joyrides #

# In your environmentally-friendly

convertible car #

# Just chillin'

with your totally hot husband #

# And your genius children #

# Guess by now you've found

the cure for AID# or cancer #

# Maybe you're a ballet

or a belly dancer #

# You're probably an astronaut #

# The first to walk on Mars #

# Maybe you're in Hollywood

among the movie stars #

# You are so beautiful #

# Dear future Jamie #

# You really light up a room

when you walk in #

# And people like you

and they listen #

# And they notice

when you're missin' #

# 'Cause your everybody's

favorite friend #

Don't you know

you're all of those things already?

This turned up at school today.

Don't tell me you know

all about my public humiliation too.

That bad, huh?

- I understand.

- No, you don't.

- You were basically born cool.

- Oh, really?

You think I haven't been through

something so mortifying

that I thought my only option

was to have my parents

buy me my own private island?

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