Dear Dumb Diary Page #7

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Seventh grade...

...and my brief but

torrid romance with Lex Steel.

Oh, he was so handsome.

He and I had been passing notes

for three weeks in English class.

And the tension between us

had become unbearable.

Somehow I knew

it was all coming to a head

at the St. Martha's

Valentine's Day dance.

Well, I was so nervous,

I couldn't stop eating.

Basically everything on the snack table

went in my mouth.

I mean everything.

I mean, to this day,

I can feel my heart

beating in my throat

when I saw him cross the floor

to tell me how he felt about me.

What'd he say?!

He said something like...

Hey, Carol,

I think you're righteous.

Wanna dance to the next

Bryan Adams song with me?

I was completely overwhelmed.

Nothing like this had ever

happened to me before.

There was just one thing to do.

I threw up on Lex.

Ew, no no no! Puke!

My imagination can't handle it.

Let me think about something else.

Storybooks, glitter...

Oh, I got it... gummy bears!

Keep on going.

Then I threw up in the punch bowl.

Then I threw up all over

these delicious chocolate muffins.

That's horrible.

Horrible.

Then you guys got together, right?

No, not really.

But the next guy was even better?

No, the next couple after

were pretty much creeps.

Eventually everybody

finds someone, right?

No, I have a cousin who's basically

alone and old and crusty.

Lots of cats.

So basically you're saying

that love is painful and embarrassing.

Yes.

And also the best thing

in the world.

And you're gonna do it anyway,

so you might as well

stop fighting it and just enjoy it.

Hmm.

Dear dumb diary,

tomorrow, as you know,

is the dumb Jump-A-Thon.

I really don't know

if I should show my face.

But what if Aunt Carol is right

and life is just a series

of embarrassing stories?

Then I might as well

go for it anyway.

And who knows what could happen?

Hyah!

Okay, no ninjas.

Actually, surprisingly normal.

Ahh!

Let's check out the competition.

Hi, Hudson!

Are you okay?

I can't do it.

What?

I can't jump a rope by myself.

And look-my pledge sheets.

There must be 300 names on here.

That's just the first page.

I made a big push

for sponsors this weekend.

All this money.

And I'm gonna blow it for the school

'cause I can't jump a stupid rope.

Wait.

Did she say "the school"?

No, no, no, not the school.

Why'd she have to mention

the school?

If I let Angeline fail, it would be

a huge loss for this school.

No one else

had near as many sponsors.

Without this money,

think of what might happen.

The marching band

could be cut down to one person

with a kazoo.

They might have to stop

giving teachers free coffee.

But the most devastating thing of all

was losing the art program.

Not just for me, but for all the kids

that might not get the chance

to express

their inner awesomeness.

I guess I know

I'm just letting everybody down.

And with that one sentence,

she made my inner beauty

squirt out of me

till I was standing in a puddle

of my own loveliness.

I got it!

Coach Dover, do jumpers

have to hold the ropes themselves

- or can they just jump it?

- All right, let's check.

'Cause if they had to hold it,

it wouldn't be fair

to people with no hands,

- like pirates, right?

- Uh, "length of rope...

natural versus nylon fiber..."

Huh.

Um, okay, "peg legs..."

Oh, here we go.

The jumper only has to jump.

Somebody else can twirl the rope.

Isabella!

Isabella, I need you to help me

twirl the rope for Angeline.

She has way more pledges

than I ever had.

Don't care.

It's the right thing to do

for the sake of the school.

Forget it.

Isabella, either you do this

or I'll tell your parents

how you got the money

for your contact lenses.

Then you'll be grounded

until you graduate from college!

I'm just moved.

After all these years, you've finally

learned something from me.

Blackmail?

Now if I say yes,

will you get your butt off my chest?

Oh, yeah.

Angeline jumped fora long time.

This was probably going to be

her biggest jackpot yet,

and her beauty and fame

were going to skyrocket.

I was furious and delighted

at the same time.

Hey, Angeline, how come

you can only jump this way?

'Cause I need both hands

to keep the hair out of my eyes.

You could put it in a ponytail,

you know.

Oh, yeah, good one.

And the winner of the first-ever

district Jump-A-Thon

is Mackerel's very own Angeline!

My arms are killing me.

I feel like I have a charley horse

on my shoulder.

I feel like I have

a charley horse on my heart.

I can't believe I helped Angeline

after she read my diary

in the cafeteria.

Cafeteria?

You don't know what happened?

Well, I couldn't see

where I was going

and I ended up making a circle

just in time to find myself at the table

behind Angeline and her friends.

"Maybe he is

just slightly too cute for me.

I'm right on the edge of adorable."

I'd heard that phrase before

because you had said it to me.

So therefore I knew it was your diary.

"Then Hudson and I

would be on the same level."

Oh!

Then I heard...

Hey, can I see that?

Oh, this is my cousin Jenny's diary.

Uh, Hudson Johnson.

That's who she's talking about.

Jenny goes to Weeks Middle School.

She's gonna be so glad

that I found this.

She didn't rat me out.

Actually, she covered for you.

But that doesn't make any sense.

Then why isn't Hudson

talking to me?

Isabella stepped on my throat

while I was doing

my warm-up stretches.

I... I didn't see him lying there.

It was really cool of you guys

to help out Angeline that way.

You guys really saved the school.

Probably. Yeah.

Whole lotta probably.

A ton! Difficult to measure, really.

Infinitely!

Jamie, there's something

I feel that I have to say.

What is it, Hudson?

Taste a little blood in my mouth.

Me too, Hudson!

I always have.

What?

I think Isabella

really hurt my throat.

I should go see the nurse.

Ah! He is so into me!

Remember that little get-together

my aunt Carol was having?

Guess what that meant.

Actual teachers in my actual house.

Seeing a live teacher

in your own home

is like seeing a live orangutan

in your own home.

You just don't know how to react.

Miss Palmer was wearing a dress.

It was actually kind of flattering.

She looked like a nice couch

tipped on its edge.

And Coach Dover?

Turns out his real name is...

- Ben.

- That's right.

Ben Dover!

Can you believe it?

Aunt Carol, careful!

Watch where you're...

going.

I could hardly stand it.

It was one of those awesomely horrible

types of kisses

that is super gross

and super excellent at the same time,

like two people trying

to chew one piece of gum.

Devon's Aunt Carol's mystery man?

That explains the big smooch.

I guess lots of women

are attracted to men with power.

Voldemort.

- What was that?

- Nothing.

So what happened

to your contacts?

It was so weird.

I couldn't see anything with them on.

Hey, guys, I'm supposed to tell you

that Mrs. Anderson couldn't join us.

She isn't feeling well.

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