Death to Smoochy Page #11

He walks off.

SHELDON:

(to himself)

Hell of a world.

62.

INT. STOKES' OFFICE

On a large screen TV the smiling Asian face of TakashiYamashita, who's singing Cole Porter's "I Get a Kick Outof You" in Japanese.

CUT BACK to reveal Takashi wearing a white sequinedtuxedo with tails as he plays a white grand piano. He

looks like an Asian Liberace. He is circled by a groupof Japanese children who sing along with him.

CHICK (V.O.)

'Takashi Sings Tin Pan Alley forYoungsters' is the hottest showon Japanese television. The sweat

shops are working overtime tryingto keep up with the demand.

Record albums, toys, cereal, teeshirts, you name it...

INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY

Several tough-looking Asian men -- CHICK, SAMBO, and TOBI-- Takashi's management group -- sits in Stokes' office.

Takashi sits quietly in the corner. Stokes sits behind

his desk, sipping his trademark glass of wine.

CHICK:

Look, Stokes, let's cut the

bullshit. We want Takashi in

that Smoochy slot and we're willingto do whatever it takes to get it.

STOKES:

Pardon me for saying this, but fora non-resident of this country,

you speak impeccable English.

CHICK:

I'm originally from Teaneck.

STOKES:

Ah.

CHICK:

We own every hair on this bastard'shead and we're willing to share afew strands... if you get my drift.

STOKES:

Well, it's not that simple. I

have an executive board to answer

to. I wish I could just snap myfingers and make a deal but -

(CONTINUED)

63.

CONTINUED:

CHICK:

You mean like this?

Chick snaps his fingers and Tobi, the third Asian guy,

walks over and drops a duffel bag on Stokes' desk.

STOKES:

Oh my. And what is this on mydesk?

CHICK:

Two hundred grand in a LouisVuitton duffle bag. Get our boythe slot and we'll round it off to

a million. And you can keep theluggage.

Stokes stares down at the bundle of opportunity on hisdesk.

CHICK:

You're dealing with an honorableculture, Frank. We know how to

play ball.

Stokes unzips the bag and gazes at the money. He looks

up at Chick and smiles.

STOKES:

Gentlemen, I suddenly feelinvigorated and full of hope.

Chick smiles.

INT. NORA'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

On Nora's TV screen, we see the black and white image ofRickets the Hippo doing the "Klunky-Wunky Dance." Nora

sits on the couch and stares hypnotically at the screen.

There is a KNOCK at the door. She gets up and ejects the"Best of Rickets" tape. She opens the door. To her

surprise, Randolph is standing there.

RANDOLPH:

Hiya, cutie!

Before she can respond, he enters the apartment and takesoff his jacket.

(CONTINUED)

64.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

So here's the good news: Yes,

I'll be happy to end my sabbaticaland return to my old slot. I know

you and Frank are in a bind, soI'll start Monday. Call wardrobe,

call props, tell 'em the R man isback and he's ready to startwhistlin' dem happy tunes for dalittle chillens.

He flops down on the couch.

RANDOLPH:

Ahhh. Who do ya gotta blow to geta Scotch around here?

He laughs.

NORA:

You've got three seconds to pryyour ass off my couch and get out.

Randolph jumps to his feet.

RANDOLPH:

Dammit, Nora! The rhino's gone!

You need that slot filled and

I'm ready to reclaim what'srightfully mine.

NORA:

Just in case you forgot, you're acriminal and a scumbag.

RANDOLPH:

Okay, so maybe I commandeered astray shekel or two. Big deal!

Compared to what Smoochy didthat's like jerking off in thesupermarket.

NORA:

Where do you shop?

Randolph walks over and puts his hands on her shoulders.

RANDOLPH:

Come on. Have you lost allaffection for me? After what we

once had?

(CONTINUED)

65.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

That was a long time ago. I was

young and stupid.

RANDOLPH:

Why we broke up I'll never know.

NORA:

You turned into an a**hole and I

didn't love you.

RANDOLPH:

We could've worked through allthat.

He leans in to kiss her and she shoves him away soviolently he almost falls over the coffee table.

RANDOLPH:

Damn it, Nora! The public isclamoring for me! I'm a fuckingpatriot! Mopes is a Nazi! He's

evil! He's probably even gay!

You should've seen the way he waschecking me out in the car!

NORA:

(suddenly suspicious)

What does that mean?

RANDOLPH:

What does what mean?

NORA:

You said he was checking you outin the car. What car?

RANDOLPH:

No... it's just a vibe! A Nazi

homosexual vibe! It emanates from

the television! The whole Smoochycostume... with the erect horn...

I mean, what's that all about?

Nora starts to walk closer to him. He backs up.

NORA:

You're talking awfully fast,

Randolph.

RANDOLPH:

I still love you! Let's go on adate!

(CONTINUED)

66.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

Were you at that rally? Tell me!

Did you have something to do withthis?

She backs him against the wall and looks him in the eye.

NORA:

Did you set Sheldon up?

Randolph just looks at her.

RANDOLPH:

You know, now I remember why webroke up. Always with theaccusations. B*tch, b*tch,

b*tch...

Nora hauls off and punches him in the jaw.

INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT

A morose-looking Spinner Dunn sits alone at the end ofthe bar in the nightclub. Tommy walks over.

TOMMY:

What's wrong, kid? The mayor ofPatterson's here with his wife.

They wanna meet ya.

SPINNER:

I don't wanna meet no one. I miss

Smoochy! He never woulda done the

things they say he done. He ain't

no Nazi. Someone's making stuff

up. I just know it, Tommy.

Someone's making stuff up!

Spinner starts violently pounding his head on the bar,

causing GLASSES to RATTLE.

SPINNER:

I want Smoochy back! I want to be

on TV again! I want to play mycowbell!

Nora enters the restaurant. She looks around and

approaches Tommy.

NORA:

Hi, Tommy. Hi, Spinner. Has

Burke been in tonight?

(CONTINUED)

67.

CONTINUED:

TOMMY:

Haven't seen him.

NORA:

Damn it.

TOMMY:

Something I can help you with?

NORA:

I have to talk to him. It's about

Sheldon.

Spinner lifts his head from the bar.

SPINNER:

Sheldon? What about Sheldon?

INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Randolph is napping on Angelo's couch with an ice pack onhis sore jaw thanks to Nora's fist. There is a sudden

LOUD POUNDING at the door. Randolph startles awake.

RANDOLPH:

I'm trying to sleep, a**hole!

Read the f***ing meter some othertime!

After a beat, the door is kicked open and Tommy and hiscrew are standing there.

TOMMY:

You wanna tell me about the rhino?

RANDOLPH:

Hey, this is private property,

creep! And you're trespassing!

TOMMY:

Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a littleback rub.

Danny advances toward a shaking Randolph, fist clenchedand rolling up his sleeve.

RANDOLPH'S POV - DANNY

approaches. He c*cks his arm and throws a punch.

Danny's fist FILLS the FRAME, TURNING IT BLACK as we hearthe PUNCH.

68.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - SERIES OF DISSOLVES - BEFORE DAWN

Newspaper trucks pull up to various newsstands and tossout bundles of the morning editions. As each bundle

lands on the curb, we see headlines that span over thenext few days:

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