Death to Smoochy Page #12

SMOOCHY SET UP - SMILEY BEHIND NAZI PLOT

PLANNED TO DESTROY RHINO'S REP

POLL:
RAINBOW RANDOLPH MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA

PUBLIC OUTCRY:
"WE'RE SORRY SMOOCHY!"

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY

Randolph, bruised and battered, emerges from the policestation with his LAWYER. REPORTERS and photographersrush forward.

REPORTER #1

How does it feel to be voted the

most hated man in America,

Randolph?

RANDOLPH:

In a country like this, where youraverage citizen is a f***in'Neanderthal, I wear it as a badge ofhonor.

REPORTER #2

What about Ms. Bishop's charge thatyou have an unhealthy obsessionwith Sheldon Mopes?

RANDOLPH:

Listen, I barely know that broad.

She's a wacko. An opportunist.

I'm the most accused man since

Jimmy Hoffa.

Someone throws an egg and it hits Randolph in the face.

RANDOLPH:

(on verge of tears)

That was unfair! Who threw that?

That was mean and uncalled for!

(CONTINUED)

69.

CONTINUED:

LAWYER:

My client is not answering anymore questions. Between his

dwindling cash flow and mountinglegal bills he's sinking into adeep psychotic depression. Please

stop antagonizing him. Thank you.

He pushes a sullen Randolph through the cluster ofpeople.

INT. BACKSTAGE - STUDIO C - DAY

A makeup woman dabs Sheldon's forehead as he's about to

go on. Nora stands next to him. A LOW TYMPANY ROLL is

heard from the stage.

SHELDON:

(to Nora)

I wouldn't be back here if it wasn't

for you.

NORA:

I'm just sorry I didn't believeyou... that I got swept up in thefrenzy of anti-Smoochyism.

SHELDON:

Well, this town's a house of mirrors

sometimes. It's hard to know what

you're looking at.

He takes a couple of pre-show deep breaths. A STAGEHAND

approaches.

STAGEHAND:

They're ready for you, Sheldon.

Sheldon exits backstage.

INT. STUDIO C - CONTINUOUS ACTION

The lights in the studio dim.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Ladies and gentlemen... boys andgirls...

(dramatic pause)

Who's your favorite rhino?

An explosion of enthusiasm from the kids in thebleachers.

(CONTINUED)

70.

CONTINUED:

KIDS IN BLEACHERS

Smoochy!!!

The lights come up as the Smoochyland Band plays astrong, dramatic version of "Battle Hymn of theRepublic." After a moment, Smoochy slowly rises from alift under the stage. A giant sign above the junglelights up and emits a pyrotechnic shower of sparks. It

reads:
WELCOME HOME SMOOCHY!

ANGLE ON SMOOCHYLAND BAND

A beaming Spinner Dunn enthusiastically bangs his cowbellto the music as tears stream down his cheeks.

BACK ON SMOOCHY:

He majestically stands center stage and nods to the kidswho are giving him a standing ovation. The songcrescendos with a rousing final chorus from theSmoochyland Band who sing, "His truth is marching on!"

Thunderous applause from the bleachers. Smoochy walksover to a stool and takes a seat. It's very quiet in thestudio now. Smoochy, looking uncharacteristicallyserious, picks up a microphone as the lights go down.

He's in black limbo.

SMOOCHY:

Thank you. It's good to be back.

You know, kids, sometimes life in

the jungle can be unfair. A placewhere nice guys don't just finishlast... they get their heads cutoff.

Gasps from the bleachers.

SMOOCHY:

That pretty world you think youknow is just props and scenery.

Lollipop trees with roots invenom!

ANGLE - NORA

watches nervously from offstage.

(CONTINUED)

71.

CONTINUED:

BACK ON SMOOCHY:

SMOOCHY:

So look around you, boys andgirls. Every day. Be diligent!

Stand strong! As the old proverb

says:
Beat a dog one time toomany and you get a wolf! Let's

start howling! Howl for me, boysand girls!

The kids in the bleachers howl along with Smoochy.

SMOOCHY:

Okay, I just wanted to get thatoff my chest. Who wants to do the

Hokey-Pokey?!

The kids cheer as the Smoochyland Band launches into theHokey-Pokey song and Smoochy starts dancing. The kids

pour out of the bleachers onto the jungle set. Everyoneis dancing and having a ball. Nora is clapping to themusic offstage. Sheldon and Nora exchange affectionateglances.

OMITTED:

INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Randolph sits in front of the TELEVISION in a daze. He's

wearing a ratty bathrobe and absentmindedly tosses cheesecurls onto the floor from a bag on his lap. ON the TV,

an "Entertainment Tonight"-type show with two perky hostsis covering Smoochy's return to the airwaves. The hosts,

Tara and Hunter show Smoochy's dynamic entrance and thestanding ovation he got during the taping that day.

TARA (V.O.)

Well, Smoochy's back and boy didwe miss him. Hundreds of well-

wishers stood outside Kidnet

Studios today hoping to catch aglimpse of their favorite rhino.

HUNTER (V.O.)

That's right, Tara. Smoochy'spopularity is stronger than everthanks to his recent exoneration

as a Nazi sympathizer. In fact,

several movie studios are offeringbig bucks for a chance to bringthe Smoochy story to the silver

screen...

(CONTINUED)

72.

CONTINUED:

The BROADCAST CONTINUES. Smoochy images flash across the

screen. Randolph has been mumbling the whole time.

RANDOLPH:

(quietly to himself)

Bad... very bad... too much forbrain... pressure building... earsringing... eyes burning...

contempt overflowing...

He jumps up and kicks the TV over. He picks up a lampand starts beating the TV.

RANDOLPH:

I hate you! I f***ing hate you!!!

You devil-horned mind f***er!

Die, die, die!!

Angelo, who was cooking in the kitchen, runs out. He's

wearing an apron.

ANGELO:

What are you doing?! That's a

Zenith!

(notices cheese curls)

Look at this place!

He grabs the lamp from Randolph.

ANGELO:

That's it! I want you out ofhere!

RANDOLPH:

(suddenly scared)

Where am I supposed to go?

ANGELO:

I don't care!

(pointing to door)

Out!!

INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT

Spinner's massive arms envelope Sheldon in a bear hug,

practically lifting him out of his seat. Burke, who's

having dinner with Sheldon, holds onto the table beforeit gets knocked over.

SHELDON:

Easy, Spinner. Watch the ribs,

buddy.

(CONTINUED)

73.

CONTINUED:

SPINNER:

I missed you so much!

SHELDON:

I missed you too, champ.

He drops Sheldon and pulls out his cowbell.

SPINNER:

I've been practicing andpracticing and I got real good,

Sheldon. Real good!

He starts banging on it with a butter knife. Sheldon

cringes.

SPINNER:

Wanna see me march?

SHELDON:

Sure, why not.

Spinner starts marching through the restaurant, clangingthe cowbell. People who are trying to eat their dinnerlook annoyed. Sheldon sits back down at his table.

BURKE:

So you were saying you had somegood news?

SHELDON:

Yes. Some very good news. After

giving it a lot of thought... I'vedecided to do the ice show.

Burke gleefully slaps Sheldon on the shoulder.

BURKE:

Finally! I got me a bar mitzvahboy. Today you are a man!

SHELDON:

I realize now it's a sin to waste

your power.

BURKE:

Like they say, rock bottom's acollege education.

(CONTINUED)

74.

CONTINUED:

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