Death to Smoochy Page #13

SHELDON:

But here's the really good news:

I'm doing it myself. No sponsors,

no vendors, no crooks. Not one

dirty hand will touch this. Not

one person will make a dollar offthese kids. Smoochy on Ice willbe a study in purity.

Burke's grin suddenly fades.

SHELDON:

As far as food concessions go,

I'll supply the refreshments. For

free. Low sodium, whole wheat

pretzels and apple slices. Healthystuff. Now are you ready for thebest part?

BURKE:

I'm holding my breath.

SHELDON:

All profits from ticket sales willbe used to built a state-of-theart

methadone clinic in ConeyIsland.

Burke looks pale.

SHELDON:

I'm not just talking a run-of-themill

clinic... I'm going to builda methadone palace. A place wheremen and women can withdraw in

luxury.

BURKE:

Sheldon, you can't do an ice showand cut out the vendors. And more

importantly, you can't cut out theParade of Hope. It's suicide.

SHELDON:

You always told me, when you'vegot muscles you make the rules.

Well, I'm feeling pretty strongright now.

Sheldon rises and tosses his napkin down.

(CONTINUED)

75.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

All this time I was letting thebusiness use me. Well, I think it's

time I start using the business.

I've got my clout back and I'm notgonna waste it this time. Take care

of it, Burke.

Sheldon exits. Burke sits there, looking very concerned.

On his way out the door, Tommy stops Sheldon. Spinner'sCOWBELL CLANGING continues.

TOMMY:

Shel, you gotta help me out. He

bangs that goddamn thing frommorning till night. I got aheadache that goes from my eyes to

my ass.

SHELDON:

Whatever I can do, Tommy, just sayit. You know I love Spinner. And

I owe you.

TOMMY:

Give the boy something else to do onthe show. Anything. Just as longas it don't clang, chime or honk.

INT. STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON FACE OF FRANK STOKES -

DAY:

frightened. There's a gun to his temple.

WIDER:

Chick, the Asian representative of Takashi, holds arevolver on Stokes. His cohorts, Sambo and Tobi, stand

by.

CHICK:

I don't like complications, Frank.

You got one week to get Takashi thatslot or you're gonna be shakin'hands with Buddha.

STOKES:

Don't you understand? My hands aretied. The rhino's been exonerated.

The show's more popular than ever.

(CONTINUED)

76.

CONTINUED:

CHICK:

(to Sambo and Tobi)

Okay, boys, chop him up, bag himand dump him in the woods.

Sambo and Tobi start to advance on Stokes.

STOKES:

All right! I'll take care of it!

I just need time!

Chick leans into Stokes' face.

CHICK:

One week, Jeeves. Got that? Or

I get a blender and make an OrangeJulius with your feet.

They exit.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A down-and-out Randolph shuffles along in ratty bedroomslippers. He passes a MAN who sits behind a small tableon the sidewalk. The table has a huge photograph of arhinoceros taped in front of it. Literature and

pamphlets depicting the black rhino are spread out on thetable.

MAN:

Save the rhino! Before it's too

late! Make a donation! Save the

rhino!

(to Randolph)

Hey, mister, ya wanna help savethe rhino?

Randolph just looks at him for a moment. He looks at all

the rhino-related imagery. He starts shaking andsuddenly jumps over the table and attacks the Man.

RANDOLPH:

I'm the one who needs to be saved!

Me. I'm broke! I lost my lawyer!

My only friend kicked me out! I'm

a f***ing peanut shell in theshape of a man! Save the

Rainbow! Save the Rainbow!

Save the Rainbow!

MAN:

Help! Someone call a cop!

Randolph grabs the collection can and runs off.

77.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

It's a chilly, grey afternoon. Stokes and Burke walk alongthe lake framed by the New York skyline.

STOKES:

Your client is suffocating me. To

make matters worse, he's caused me

to veer into a hazardous situation.

A situation that otherwise could

have a very happy ending.

BURKE:

Tell me more about the Asians.

STOKES:

They're ruthless. Unwavering.

Unprincipled. And best of all,

they know how the game is played.

They respect our delicateecosystem of mutual benefit.

Stokes stops walking and grabs Burke's arm.

STOKES:

I'd bring you in on this, Burke.

You'd be my partner on the Takashideal. Split down the middle. We

have an opportunity to get back ontrack here. Back to the way it

was.

BURKE:

The good old days.

STOKES:

Pre-rhinoceros.

The two men look at each other as thoughts pass silentlybetween them.

BURKE:

This is very sticky ground we'reabout to walk on.

STOKES:

Well, you're used to a littleglue on your shoes.

Burke smiles.

BURKE:

Let me poke around. Sift throughthe possibilities.

OMITTED:

78.

EXT. ALLEY OFF ND STREET - THEATER STAGE DOOR -

EVENING:

A slender young man in a Peter Pan costume in being heldby a big thug as another thug beats him up. A girldressed as Tinkerbell (also being restrained) looks on inhorror. Merv Green (Parade of Hope) steps INTO FRAME.

MERV:

This is what happens to guys whokeep secrets, Johnny.

JOHNNY:

I'll give you the rest next week!

I promise!

MERV:

It's not me you're f***ing over,

it's sick kids. You got somethingagainst sick kids, Johnny?

The thug punches him in the stomach again.

JOHNNY:

No! I love sick kids!

Merv nods to one of the thugs who releases Peter Pan. He

slumps to the ground. Merv kneels down and lifts his

head from the pavement.

MERV:

And you tell that fat producer ofyours, if he ever gives me a lowhead count again, he'll lose theother thumb.

One of Merv's thugs leans in, whispers something toMerv, who looks up to see.

Burke standing in the mouth of the alley.

BURKE:

Merv Green. How's tricks, kid?

MERV:

Well, if it ain't smilin' Burke.

Whose bones are you pickin' today?

BURKE:

(chuckles)

You got a minute, pally?

OMITTED:

79.

EXT. ND STREET - MOMENTS LATER

Burke and Merv walk along 42nd Street. A posteradvertises Peter Pan "Sponsored by Parade of Hope -Giving

Children the Gift of Promise!" Merv's

thugs trail behind.

MERV:

No one freezes me out of an ice

show. No one. I don't care how

many f***ing clinics he's trying

to save.

BURKE:

Look, I'm chokin' on the same bone

as you.

MERV:

If you're trying to aggravate me,

you're doing a hell of a job.

BURKE:

I'm not here to aggravate, justeducate. I think Mopes might betalking to people he shouldn't betalking to.

MERV:

That's an ugly string of words.

BURKE:

He's got it in his head that he'sgonna clean up the way we dobusiness.

(beat)

Truthfully? I wouldn't be

surprised if he's wearing a wire.

Burke looks at his watch.

BURKE:

Jesus, I got a thing across town.

He steps off the curb to hail a cab.

BURKE:

Let's keep talking, Merv. There's

oughta be some kind of solution.

Don't you think?

Burke hops into a cab. Merv watches the cab pull away.

80.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - OUTSIDE KIDNET BUILDING - TIGHT

SHOT - LEGS OF SMALL CARD TABLE - MORNING

SNAP open. The table is set on the sidewalk. A man's

legs ENTER the FRAME and shakily climb on top of thetable.

WIDER:

Randolph stands on the table directly in front of theKidnet Building. He raises the megaphone to his mouth.

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