Death to Smoochy Page #17

Chick looks at his boys and chuckles.

CHICK:

Spicy little thing, isn't she?

(CONTINUED)

98.

CONTINUED:

He suddenly pulls out a switchblade and holds it toNora's throat.

CHICK:

Takashi gets that time slot. You

hear me, girly? Tell that boss of

yours we'll kill everyone at thisfucking network if we have to.

Starting with the pretty ones.

He removes the knife from her throat and hurls it toward

the bulletin board. It lands -- sticking right in themiddle of a Smoochy card.

CHICK:

Auf Wiedersehen, honey.

They exit.

INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

Nora is pacing. Sheldon sits by the fire.

NORA:

It's Stokes. He's behind the

whole thing! He cut some kind of

deal for the Smoochy slot!

SHELDON:

What are you talking about?

NORA:

He wants you out so he can putTakashi in!

SHELDON:

Who's Takashi?

NORA:

Jesus, Sheldon! Don't you everpick up a copy of InternationalPerformer? He's the hottest kid

show host from Asia.

Sheldon's head is swimming. Suddenly the front door toto the penthouse bursts open. Randolph, dressed likehe's about to do his old show, stumbles in waving a gun.

(CONTINUED)

99.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

Ah! How very cozy. Like two logsin a little bonfire. All we need

is a few sticks and some wienies.

He almost trips as he stumbles over to Sheldon. He

waves the gun in his face.

RANDOLPH:

I had her before you! Pachyderm!

I was in love with her! In love!

And you snatched her away! Like

a common thief! You're the bad

guy! Not me! He's the bad guy,

Nora. He's incapable ofunderstanding the love we oncehad! Tender, yet passionate.

Old-fashioned, yet experimental.

(cackles)

Tell him about a few of our

experiments, Nora! Tell him!

Sheldon looks stunned. Nora hangs her head.

SHELDON:

(to Nora)

Is this true? Please tell me it's

just the confused ramblings of adiseased mind.

She looks at him, but doesn't say anything.

SHELDON:

Holy mother of Toledo. When

exactly were you planning to letme know about this?!

NORA:

(turns to Sheldon)

Listen, there was a time -- and

I'm not proud of this -- but therewas a time when I was a bit of

a... kiddie-host groupie.

RANDOLPH:

You're just another action figurefor her collection!

NORA:

That's not fair!

RANDOLPH:

Tell him about Jingle Jackson!

(CONTINUED)

100.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

You dated Jingle Jackson?

RANDOLPH:

The bells turned her on. Hey,

tell him about Jumbo Johnny!

There's a tale for ya! A whale

of a tale!

She looks down, somewhat ashamed. A look of utter shock

comes over Sheldon.

SHELDON:

Oh good Lord in Heaven.

NORA:

Look, what I did before I met youis none of your business.

RANDOLPH:

Shut up! Both of you! This is

my show!

He waves the gun threateningly as he backs up to anarmchair and sits down.

RANDOLPH:

Do you fully understand the powerof a condemned man? Do you? I'm

already wanted for one murder, whyshould I give a flaming horse'stwat if I commit two more?

SHELDON:

I... uh... read once that the best

way to diffuse a tense situationis with a little humor. To that

end, would you like to hear afunny joke?

RANDOLPH:

(rolling his eyes)

Oh, please. Go blow yourself,

Martha.

(waves gun again)

Fix me a beverage, woman. Make me

one of those drinks that used to

make us all warm and fuzzy beforebouncy-bouncy time!

NORA:

Fix it yourself, a**hole.

(CONTINUED)

101.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

(points to gun)

Remember, I have Mr. Boomy.

SHELDON:

I'm telling you, you'd love thisjoke. It revolves around Santa

Claus and the Easter Bunny gettinginto a fender bender.

Nora rolls her eyes and goes to the bar.

RANDOLPH:

(to Sheldon)

You know, when I lived here I used

to have a big painting above thefireplace. A naked chick holdinga pumpkin. It was very tasteful.

No bush...

NORA:

Look, Randolph. We know it

wasn't you who killed Spinner.

SHELDON:

We'll go to the police, firstthing tomorrow... straighteneverything out.

RANDOLPH:

Oh! Goody-goody gumdrops!

(to Nora)

Vodka straight up is fine, sugarbabe!

He grabs the bottle out of her hand. He rises from the

chair. He takes a CD, "PARTY TIME WITH RAINBOW

RANDOLPH," from his pocket and puts it into anaudio system on the fireplace wall.

RANDOLPH:

Did you put on a little weight,

honey? That's okay, you're stilla hot little brood mare. I bet

you miss the sweet sting of myriding crop. Giddy up, pony!

The THEME SONG from his show starts to PLAY. He flicks

a switch and a spotlight goes on. He sings and dances.

(CONTINUED)

102.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

(to tune of

'Ol' MacDonald)

'Rainbow Randolph is the man.

Yes he, yes he, is.

He's the Prez of Rainbowland.

Yes he, yes he, is.

With some fun, fun here, and a

laugh, laugh there.

Here a dance, there a song,

Everything is fun, fun.

Rainbow Randolph is the King, the

King of Rainbowland!'

Randolph takes another drink from the vodka bottle.

Sheldon suddenly lunges at Randolph and tries to grabthe gun. Randolph shrieks. The two men wrestle on the

floor, but Randolph is not much of a fighter. He

screams as Sheldon rolls him toward the fireplace.

SHELDON:

Is this what you want? A Hansel

and Gretel ending?! You want to

be the big bad wolf?

RANDOLPH:

Stop! It's too hot! The heat!

It's driving me mad!

Randolph rolls Sheldon to the bottom. Nora reaches for a

fireplace poker and whacks Randolph with it. Randolphcries out and drops the gun. Sheldon grabs it and pointsit at Randolph who lies on the floor, blubbering like achild. He's bleeding.

RANDOLPH:

Go ahead, kill me! Finish me off.

My life's over anyway. EverythingI touch turns to sh*t. Put me out

of my misery.

Sheldon slowly takes the gun away from Randolph's head.

SHELDON:

You're not nothing. You're

bitter, misguided and I'm guessinga raging alcoholic, but you'restill Rainbow Randolph. Despiteeverything that's happened, youonce made children happy.

Randolph sits up and looks at Sheldon through watery

eyes.

(CONTINUED)

103.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

Would you be my friend?

SHELDON:

Sure.

RANDOLPH:

(to Nora)

You too?

NORA:

I guess.

RANDOLPH:

Sorry about the brood mare stuff.

Randolph throws his arms around Sheldon and cries intohis shoulder. Sheldon pats his back. He glances down atRandolph's gun and sees that it's a toy.

Nora pours vodka onto a small pillow she's taken fromone of the chairs. She kneels next to Randolph and blotsthe gash on his head with the vodka soaked pillow.

Randolph lets out a blood curdling scream.

INT. SHELDON'S FOYER - TIGHT ON REVOLVER - SHORT WHILE

LATER:

being loaded.

WIDER:

Sheldon loads his gun as Randolph is curled up on thecouch like a little puppy. Nora hands him a cup of tea.

RANDOLPH:

(a pitiful child)

Thank you.

She walks over to Sheldon.

NORA:

(re:
gun)

What are you doing?

Sheldon continues to load the gun.

(CONTINUED)

104.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

Just making the playing field

even. I'm tired of running thisrace with one leg.

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