Death to Smoochy Page #4

He walks out to the hallway.

NORA:

(to staffer)

Shut the door please, John.

John shuts the door.

NORA:

Now lock it.

He locks it.

NORA:

Thank you.

EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - NIGHT

Nora emerges from the revolving door of the Kidnetbuilding which is located in the heart of Times Squareand heads down Broadway. Sheldon emerges from thebuilding.

SHELDON:

Hey, Nora, wait up.

She keeps walking. Sheldon catches up and walksalongside her, occasionally getting jostled by passersby.

(CONTINUED)

19.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

Good meeting today. I thought we

tackled some hot issues.

Although, I'll be honest, there

were a few times that I felt my

voice wasn't being heard.

NORA:

I think that's a conservative

estimate.

SHELDON:

I just want the show to have some

weight, you know? Some substance.

Silly songs, sure -- but with a

message. Pop quiz: How many

original compositions are in the

Smoochy songbook?

NORA:

Do you sense my complete lack of

interest?

SHELDON:

Try two thousand. Covering every

topic from how yummy vegetables

are to the importance of donating

plasma. Don't you get it, Nora?

I'm a valuable resource. Use me.

Nora stops. She looks Sheldon in the eye for the firsttime.

NORA:

Can I make this real easy for you?

SHELDON:

Sure.

NORA:

The only reason you're on TV right

now is because Rainbow Randolph is

a degenerate scumbag. I didn't

discover you, I delivered you.

Like a bag of groceries. I have a

bigger emotional investment in my

nail polish. So don't peddle your

sap to me, rhino. Your job is

just to smile and nod your head.

She walks off.

20.

INT. PATSY'S - NIGHT

Sheldon sits at the bar in the restaurant, nursing adrink and talking to the BARTENDER. He seems slightlydrunk.

SHELDON:

... No, no, you misunderstand me.

It's not that I'm literallycomparing Captain Kangaroo toJesus Christ. I'm just sayingthat the Captain, like Christ, wassomeone you could believe in.

Those guys didn't care about bellsand whistles and rickita-rackata.

It was all about the work.

Especially Jesus. Forget aboutit.

The Bartender nods and starts to pour Sheldon anotherdrink.

SHELDON:

(waving him off)

That's okay, my good man. Three's

my limit.

BARTENDER:

I never saw anyone get loaded onorange juice before.

SHELDON:

Back in my college days I couldput away a carton of the stuff.

A sharply-dressed man, BURKE BENNETT, sits down next toSheldon.

BURKE:

(to Bartender)

Gimme a Five Crown.

The Bartender nods. He looks over at Sheldon.

BURKE:

Smoochy the Rhino. Wow. I'm a

big fan.

SHELDON:

(flattered)

Gee, thanks. I usually don't getrecognized without my horn.

Burke extends his hand.

BURKE:

Burke Bennett. I represent kidshow talent.

21.

INT. PATSY'S - SHORT WHILE LATER

Sheldon and Burke now sit at a corner table.

BURKE:

Look, Shel, Frank Strokes ain't in

the business to make you rich.

He's in it to make Frank Stokes

rich. That's how these network

goons operate.

SHELDON:

That's so sad. Is it just me, or

is that sad?

BURKE:

You know, years ago, a client of

mine, Dicky Gimble, was having a

problem...

SHELDON:

Wow, you represented Dicky Gimble?

BURKE:

Yeah, before the a**hole found

religion. Anyway, Stokes was

trying to screw my boy out of some

merchandising points. Claimed he

had a warehouse full of Dicky

dolls that weren't moving. Now

Frank and I are old friends, so I

say to him, 'Okay, cock, show me

the warehouse' -- see, I know the

f***ing warehouse is in the Bronx,

and I know it's emptier than my

wife's head.

(chuckles)

To make a long story short, I walk

out with a check for a hundred

grand and Stokes is sitting there

with his thumb up his ass.

Burke laughs.

SHELDON:

That's very amusing, but I don't

care about Smoochy dolls and

Smoochy floor wax... I just want

more creative input. This rhino

came from my womb. I bore him, I

nursed him, and dammit...

He pounds his fist on the table.

(CONTINUED)

22.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

I should be the one who raises

him!

BURKE:

Shel, it's all about the dough.

After you get the money, you getthe power. And after you get thepower, you can have Smoochy walkon stage with a hard-on if you

want.

SHELDON:

It's funny, that never crossed mymind.

Burke downs the rest of his drink and stands up.

BURKE:

Unfortunately, until then...

you're just another puppet in the

prop room.

He hands Sheldon his card.

BURKE:

Give me a call when you're ready,

kid. I'll cut the strings andopen the magic door for you.

EXT. PATSY'S - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Randolph peers through the restaurant's front window. He

shivers from the cold as he watches Sheldon and Burke

shake hands. Burke heads for the exit. Randolph quicklyducks into the shadows. A moment later, Burke exits the

club and walks down the street. Randolph pops out.

RANDOLPH:

I saw you! I saw you in there...

at my table... talking to him.

BURKE:

Yeah, so what do you want? A

parade?

RANDOLPH:

You're my agent! Or did youforget that?

(CONTINUED)

23.

CONTINUED:

BURKE:

Not anymore, pal. You're a

cigarette butt. Go lay in the

gutter.

Burke walks off.

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

In the litter-strewn alley, we PAN ACROSS several grocerybags, broken egg shells, flour bags, butter wrappers,

mixing bowls and other baking ingredients. The PAN ENDS

ON Randolph, who stands over a barrel fire, holding aspatula. A cookie sheet rests on the barrel. Randolphremoves the cookie sheet and gazes at it gleefully. We

now see that the cookies are phallic-shaped.

RANDOLPH:

Ah! They're beautiful! A perfectbatch of cock cookies for a veryspecial rhino.

He sets the tray aside.

RANDOLPH:

Oh yes, you're going to learnabout shame, my dear Smoochy. And

I'm your professor.

He laughs.

INT. KIDNET STUDIO - STAGE B - DAY

It's thirty minutes before a Smoochy taping. Dozens of

giddy children are led into the studio where they takeseats on the bleachers.

BACKSTAGE:

Sheldon, in the Smoochy costume, sans head, lumbers up toNora. He holds a rundown for that day's show.

SHELDON:

Excuse me, Nora. Why was the'Please and Thank You Song' cut?

NORA:

Because it's sappy and it takesaway from the 'Cookie Song.'

(CONTINUED)

24.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

Takes away? It enhances it! The

cookie song is a meaningless pieceof fluff without the 'Please and

Thank You' coda! That's the moral

anchor! That's where the lesson

is! You can't sell the sizzle

without the steak!

NORA:

It's cut. And I want the 'Cookie

Song' lyrics changed back to theway they were originally scripted.

SHELDON:

I can't do that. I will not

condone children consuming endlessamounts of refined sugar. I have

to look myself in the mirror everymorning.

NORA:

This is network television, not a

sprout farm. We're here to sell

sugar and plastic. That's what

keeps the lights on.

SHELDON:

You're treating me like a puppet.

You know that? Well, guesswhat? I am not your puppet.

NORA:

Since when? Now get your spongyorange ass out there and dancefor the cameras.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote