Death to Smoochy Page #5

An angry Sheldon storms off in frustration, but then

stops. He looks back at her.

SHELDON:

We have different eyes, Nora.

When I go out there I see kids.

You see wallets with pigtails.

He moves on. Nora stares at him as he walks away. He

obviously got to her. As Sheldon heads toward the

studio, he doesn't notice the two beady eyes staringat him from under the stairwell. After a beat,

Randolph emerges and slinks backstage. He's

clutching a duffle bag.

25.

INT. PROP ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Randolph sneaks into the prop room and shuts the door.

He scurries over to the prop shelf and locates Smoochy'smulticolored "magic cookie bag." He opens it and tossesthe cookies into the trash can. Reaching into hispockets, he pulls out his special homemade cookies. He

chuckles as he dumps them into the magic cookie bag.

RANDOLPH:

Bon soir, la Smoochy. Welcome to

fatty Arbuckle-land.

He cackles to himself. He then notices a box in the

corner of the room. Scribbled in magic marker on theside are the words: "Rainbow Randolph crap." He walks

over and pulls the box out. He slowly opens the flaps.

Inside is his old costume. He pulls it out and clutchesit lovingly. He smells it. The ECHOEY SOUND of his

THEME SONG comes flooding back to him for a moment,

along with the sound of CHILDREN LAUGHING.

RANDOLPH:

(softly to himself)

Don't worry, little ones. Rainbow

Randolph will return...

(with rising anger)

After these messages!

He holds up Smoochy's magic cookie bag. He then stuffs

his old costume into his duffle bag.

INT. STUDIO B - LATER

The "Smoochy Show" is in the middle of a taping. The

Smoochyland Band is playing a fast, jazzy number ("Doin'the Jiggy Ziggy") as Smoochy, the Rhinettes, and severalkids dance frenetically. The kids in the bleachers are

in hysterics as Smoochy shakes his body spastically. The

song finally ends. The kids in the bleachers jump totheir feet, cheering and applauding.

SMOOCHY:

Boy, all that jiggyin' andziggyin' sure makes a fellahungry! Now if only I had mysuper duper, super secret, superspecial...

The kids in the bleachers erupt in unison:

KIDS:

Magic Cookie Bag!

(CONTINUED)

26.

CONTINUED:

SMOOCHY:

Right-o-riffic!

(looks skyward)

Magic Cookie Bag, I command thee!

Come to your lord and master!

The lights dim as the Smoochyland Band plays the "2001theme." Smoochy's Magic Cookie Bag is lowered from theceiling by a filament wire. The kids go crazy.

SMOOCHY:

(singing)

'Lookie, lookie, lookie, here

comes the cookies! Fresh and

organic, no need to panic! Rightfrom the soil, no tropical oils!

Sweetened with juice, for anenergy boost! Fiber galore,

you'll be askin' for more...'

ANGLE ON NORA:

She looks pissed, but then looks over at the kids in thebleachers. Their faces are filled with laughter. For

the first time she feels the connection Smoochy has withthem.

ANGLE ON RANDOLPH

He peers out from his hiding place backstage. His eyeswiden with delight as the Magic Cookie Bag continues itsdescent.

ANGLE ON SMOOCHY

The cookie bag finally reaches Smoochy. He holds the baghigh above his head in a religious ceremonial fashion asthe Rhinettes and the kids crowd around him.

SMOOCHY:

Oooh... just the smell ofunprocessed flour makes my tummydo somersaults!

ANGLE ON RANDOLPH

RANDOLPH:

(under his breath)

Whatever that means, you fuckingretard.

(CONTINUED)

27.

CONTINUED:

SMOOCHY:

His puffy orange hand reaches for the bag's clasp as theMUSIC reaches its CRESCENDO.

RANDOLPH:

He's practically shaking as he suppresses an insanelaugh.

RANDOLPH:

Give 'em a cookie... give 'em acookie...

SMOOCHY:

He reaches into the bag, and with a grand flourish, pullsout a flaming red penis cookie. The cookie is somewhat

misshapen and not perfectly formed. Smoochy gets a biggrin.

SMOOCHY:

Wow! Look at this cookie, kids!

A rocket ship!

The kids "ooh" and "ahh."

ANGLE ON RANDOLPH

He looks confused.

SHELDON:

What a special day with suchspecial cookies!

BACK ON SMOOCHY:

Smoochy pretends to "zoom" the penis cookie through theair.

SHELDON:

Rrrrrrrr! Look at me, kids! I'm

flying to the moon! I'm flying toMars! I'm flying to -

Randolph, whose face is now bright red, can't take it

anymore. He runs onto the stage. He grabs the rocketcookie from Smoochy.

(CONTINUED)

28.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

Are you f***ing blind?! It's a

cock! Not a space ship! Cock!

Cock!

INT. STAIRWELL - MOMENTS LATER

Three burly Kidnet security guards drag Randolph down thestairwell. They beat the sh*t out of him and toss himthrough the exit door.

INT. FRANK STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON NEW YORK POST FRONT

PAGE - DAY

The headline reads: "Rainbow Randolph Interrupts SmoochyTaping." The subhead reads: "Runs Onstage ShoutingPenis Related Obscenities."

WIDE:

Burke sits on the couch next to Sheldon, reading the

paper. He shakes his head in disgust. Nora sits in a

chair near Stokes.

SHELDON:

Thank you all for coming. I justwanted to iron out a few wrinkles

I feel we're having in thecommunication department. No

finger-pointing. Lord knows when

you start pointing fingers,

someone gets poked in the eye.

Sheldon laughs. Stokes and Nora sit stone-faced.

SHELDON:

Anyhoo, I'd like to turn the floorover to my new agent, Mr. BurkeBennett. So... heeeeeere's Burke!

Sheldon applauds. Burke stands.

BURKE:

As you can imagine, my client hasmany concerns, not the least ofwhich is studio security, but wecan address that later.

He pats Sheldon's head like a dog.

(CONTINUED)

29.

CONTINUED:

BURKE:

See this guy, Frank? Take a goodlong look, 'cause this prick savedyour life. Without him you'd besitting in Kaplan's right now,

sucking club soda through a paper

straw.

(to Nora)

And, you -- you'd be organizingpuppet shows for the brats at

P.S. 86. Excuse me, honey.

NORA:

There's no excuse for you.

SHELDON:

Man, I love club soda.

Sheldon laughs, trying to lighten the mood. Burke giveshim an affectionate slap.

STOKES:

We've always managed to come tosome sort of arrangement, Burke.

Why the fireworks?

BURKE:

'Cause I'm holding all thegunpowder. I represent the manwho created, owns, and controls

every square inch of Smoochy theRhino.

Burke pours himself a drink from Stokes' private bar.

BURKE:

God created Adam and what did he

get? A f***ing dud. My guy? He

breathed life into a winner. And

anyone who does a better job thanGod is gonna have a price.

SHELDON:

Burke, of course, is in no waycomparing me to God.

BURKE:

Yes I am.

(CONTINUED)

30.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

You seem to forget that we wentout and found 'your guy.' Dug uphis corpse. Handed him his own

show when he couldn't sell his

face to a photo booth.

SHELDON:

To be fair, Nora, I was booked to

open a car wash in Montauk.

BURKE:

Oh, so you were doing him a favor?

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