Death to Smoochy Page #6

(chuckles)

Allow me to untangle this web ofshit! I don't care what his

resume was, I don't care where youfound him, I don't care if his

last job was juggling apples for ahut full of Pygmies on theoutskirts of the Congo... the factis, he fits a bill and you needhim. Like a hungry baby needs abig tit. And that, my friends, iswhy you're in a box with noventilation. And that is why therhino is going to get whathe deserves.

STOKES:

What is that, exactly?

Burke walks over to Stokes' desk and leans across it.

He's an inch from Stokes' face.

BURKE:

Heaven, hell, and everything inbetween.

INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON CHAMPAGNE

CORK - EVENING

being popped as foamy champagne runs down the bottle.

WIDE:

Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the nightclub. Burke

raises his glass.

(CONTINUED)

31.

CONTINUED:

BURKE:

To the star and new executive

producer of the Smoochy show! Mayyour reign be a long and healthyone!

They clink glasses.

SHELDON:

I'm still in shock. Completecreative control, part ownershipof the show, discretion over

merchandising and a dressing roomwith a toilet! Am I dreaming orwhat?

BURKE:

And don't forget the corporatepenthouse. It took me six yearsto get that for Randolph.

SHELDON:

Boy, imagine... me, living in apenthouse. Who'd a thunk it.

BURKE:

It's called the high life, kid.

Get used to it. Pretty soonyou'll be burnin' one hundreddollar bills just to seeFranklin break a sweat.

SHELDON:

Jeez, I hope not. I have a deeprespect for money. Not to mention

Ben Franklin who had some

remarkable achievements in his

lifetime.

Burke pulls out a paper bag and hands it to Sheldon.

SHELDON:

What's this?

BURKE:

That's your graduation present.

Something you're gonna need now.

Sheldon reaches in the bag and pulls out a revolver. He

recoils in horror and immediately drops it back in thebag.

(CONTINUED)

32.

CONTINUED:

BURKE:

Think of it as a tool of the

trade.

SHELDON:

I've never owned a gun, I've nevertouched a gun, and I don't believein guns. When I played cowboysand Indians as a kid, I was alwaysthe Chinese railroad worker.

BURKE:

Trust me, Shel. It's a handyaccessory in this business. Even

if you don't load it, have it forshow. Sometimes that's all youneed. Especially with a creeplike Randolph lurking around.

Burke and Sheldon look up and notice the hulking,

grinning figure of SPINNER DUNN standing over them.

Spinner has the smile of a little boy despite hiscrooked nose and scarred face. He extends his hand.

SPINNER:

Hiya, Smoochy! I'm Spinner!

Spinner!

SHELDON:

Hi there.

SPINNER:

I'm so excited to meet you! I'm

Spinner!

Spinner's massive hand engulfs Sheldon's.

SHELDON:

(remembers)

Oh... right. I saw you fight onTV once. I think it was yourfarewell bout.

SWISH PAN TO:

FLASHBACK - INT. BOXING RING(S) - SOMETIME IN THE PAST

Through a SERIES OF CUTS we see Spinner getting pummeledin various fights.

(CONTINUED)

33.

CONTINUED:

RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #1

Tonight marks Spinner Dunn's finalappearance in the ring. What a

pleasure it's been to watch himproudly march into the record booksfor taking more blows to the headthan any fighter in history.

A bloodied, defeated Spinner happily holds up the arm ofhis opponent after a match. He then hugs the referee.

He jumps down from the ring and hugs the three judges.

RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #2

Scrambled a bit? Sure. You don't

retire with a record of 81-59 and

wind up the Governor. But on the

upside, he's got the dispositionof a collie.

Spinner wades into the stands and starts hugging the

spectators.

SWISH PAN TO:

INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT (PRESENT)

Spinner is still pumping Sheldon's hand.

SPINNER:

You know what I love, Smoochy? I

love when you do the Jiggy Ziggydance! You know, the one you doduring 'Silly Time?'

SHELDON:

You bet. That's a big one.

SPINNER:

Wanna see me do it?

SHELDON:

Well, I don't know why if there'senough room here to...

Spinner starts Jiggying and Ziggying for Sheldon. He

bangs into a table and knocks over someone's drink.

BURKE:

Okay, champ, don't get overheated.

Spinner stops, out of breath. He leans over and hugsSheldon.

(CONTINUED)

34.

CONTINUED:

SPINNER:

I love you.

SHELDON:

I... uh... love you, too, Spinner.

A powerful-looking woman, TOMMY COTTER, calls to Spinnerfrom the bar.

TOMMY:

Spinner, come over and meet theSenator!

Spinner dutifully hurries over to Tommy.

SHELDON:

He seems pretty popular. It must

take real talent to run a placelike this.

BURKE:

Spinner? The guy couldn't run awater faucet. He's just a mascot.

It's his cousins, a bunch of Irish

mob boys, who really run thejoint.

ANGLE ON SPINNER

He shakes the Senator's hand as Tommy and a few othertough Irish guys stand around. Spinner looks overtowards Sheldon.

SPINNER:

(loudly)

Don't go anywhere, Smoochy! I'll

be right back after I take a dump!

Spinner releases the Senator's hand and rushes off.

BURKE:

I think you made a new friend,

kid.

35.

INT. ANGELO PIKE'S RUNDOWN APARTMENT

(LOWER EAST SIDE) - NIGHT

We met him backstage with Smoochy... innocent face...

Angelo stirs a pot of soup in the worn-down but tidy

apartment. A "Rhinette" costume is draped over one ofthe chairs. There is a sudden LOUD POUNDING on the door.

Angelo puts the spoon down and reaches behind some spiceson the shelf above. He pulls out a revolver. The

POUNDING continues.

ANGELO:

Yeah, who is it?

RANDOLPH (O.S.)

(friendly)

Open up, buddy! It's me,

Randolph! It's been a long time!

Angelo puts the gun in his waistband and walks to thedoor. He slowly slides the chain off and opens the doora crack. Peering in at him are the bloodshot eyes ofRainbow Randolph.

ANGELO:

Randy?

Randolph suddenly kicks the door open and tackles Angelo.

Randolph sits on top of the little man.

RANDOLPH:

You f***ing traitor! My body'sbarely cold and already you workfor the rhino?

ANGELO:

I don't know what you're talkingabout.

RANDOLPH:

Don't lie to me! I heard all about

it! You strapped that horn onfaster than a cheerleader gets theclap!

ANGELO:

I gotta eat, don't I?

RANDOLPH:

You're a Krinkle Kid! Not a

Smooch-bag! Say it!

ANGELO:

Rhinette!

(CONTINUED)

36.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

Say it:
I am a Krinkle Kid! Sayit, before God! On the soul of

Jesus Christ! Say what you are!

Angelo punches Randolph in the mouth and flips him over.

He now sits on Randolph, pointing the revolver to his face.

ANGELO:

I'm a Rhinette. Got that? The

Krinkle Kids are ten feet under.

With you.

Randolph starts crying like a child.

RANDOLPH:

(blubbering)

I missed you so much. Can I stayhere? I got no place to go.

Angelo sighs and puts the gun away.

INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - SHORT WHILE LATER

Angelo and Randolph sit at the small kitchen table.

Angelo watches as Randolph ravenously eats a bowl of

soup.

RANDOLPH:

... They kicked me out of thecorporate penthouse. Bigsurprise. Sons-a-b*tches. That's

how I got this beauty.

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