Death to Smoochy Page #7

He points to a nasty bump near his eye.

RANDOLPH:

And of course, there's this...

He yanks his lip back to reveal a missing tooth.

RANDOLPH:

That happened after my littlevisit to the studio the other day.

Network security. F***ing savages.

He slurps another spoonful of soup and spits a bay leafon the floor.

(CONTINUED)

37.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

I got liens, back taxes, lawyer'sbills, threats against my life...

I basically got the whole fuckingworld up my ass. It's okay, I gota loooong memory, son.

(Amos and Andy dialect)

What dey sow, dey gonna reap.

He cackles insanely as he picks up a bottle of gin andtakes a deep swig. He passes out and falls off thechair. Angelo leans down and lifts his head off thefloor.

ANGELO:

Stop doing this to yourself!

Randolph doesn't respond. Angelo slaps his face.

ANGELO:

Wise up! You hear me? Don't pissyour life away like this.

RANDOLPH:

(half-conscious)

It's the rhino, Angie. He's been

sent by the devil. Sent from hell

to destroy me. Smoochy... is theface of evil.

EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - MORNING

We are ON the smiling goofy face of Sheldon, whosepicture graces the front page of Variety under theheadline, "MOPES TO EXECUTIVE PRODUCE SMOOCHY SHOW." The

subhead reads, "TENURE TO BEGIN TODAY." A dollar bill is

slapped down over the picture.

We WIDEN OUT to see Sheldon buying the magazine at thenewsstand in front of the Kidnet Building. He turns and

walks toward the Kidnet entrance. He stops and looks upat the building. Smiling, he takes a deep breath and

enters.

INT. KIDNET HALLWAY - FEW MOMENTS LATER

Sheldon whistles as he walks down the hall, givingcheerful "hellos" and "good mornings" along the way. He

enters Nora's office.

38.

INT. NORA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Nora is on the phone. She pretends not to notice him.

Sheldon bides his time by inspecting knickknacks,

examining photos on the wall, etc. Finally, he halfwhispers/

half-mouths to her:

SHELDON:

Whenever you get a chance... Ijust need a second.

NORA:

(into the phone)

Listen, can I call you back?

Yeah, some a**hole's screaming in

my ear. Thanks.

She hangs up.

SHELDON:

I'm sorry, you didn't have to hang

up.

NORA:

If I didn't you'd still be here.

SHELDON:

But I am still here.

NORA:

I'm hoping to correct that.

SHELDON:

Nora, I want us to start off on

the right foot. I want you toknow that I value your input and Idon't want you to feel intimidatedjust because the power structurehas changed a bit. I consider you

a partner.

NORA:

Great. That'll come in handy ifwe're ever at a square dance.

SHELDON:

Well, I was never much of the

do- se-do type, but what I wouldlove to do is take you out to lunchone day. You know, just twocolleagues chewing the fat...

forming a mutual respect...

planting the seeds ofcooperation...

(CONTINUED)

39.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

No.

SHELDON:

Fair enough. If you change yourmind -

NORA:

I won't.

Sheldon just nods and starts to exit.

SHELDON:

Okay then, I'll be in my office ifyou need me. If you want tobrainstorm about anything. Ideas

and so forth.

He passes a plant by the door.

SHELDON:

Ficus?

She ignores him. He exits.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Sheldon walks slowly down the hallway. He no longer hasa bounce in his step.

INT. SHELDON'S NEW OFFICE - MOMENT LATER

Sheldon enters his plush new office, awkwardly walks overto his new desk and sits behind it for the first time.

SHELDON:

Wow...

TOMMY (O.S.)

My cousin Spinner's take quite ashine to you.

Sheldon jumps. He's surprised to Tommy from SpinnerDunn's restaurant. Tommy's crew, ROY, DANNY, JIMMY andSAMMY occupy the sofa.

TOMMY:

Ever since you came in the

restaurant. He can't stop yakkin'.

(CONTINUED)

40.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

Well, he's a very nice man. Verysweet disposition for someone thatsize.

TOMMY:

So, I was wondering if maybe youcould give him a little floor

space.

SHELDON:

I'm sorry?

TOMMY:

You know, a little part on theshow. You're the executive

producer now. You call the shots,

right?

SHELDON:

Uh, that's a very sweet offer, andI love Spinner, but TV is acomplicated medium and... I mean,

that would be like me getting intothe ring with a prizefighter.

(laughs)

Can you imagine such a thing?

Boom. K.O.! What's the alphabet,

Mommy?

Sheldon laughs again. Tommy gets quiet.

TOMMY:

This makes me sad. Very, very,

sad.

DANNY:

What's wrong, Tommy?

TOMMY:

Nothing. I'm just very sad right

now.

SAMMY:

Who made you sad, Tommy?

TOMMY:

I don't want to mention names.

The guys look menacingly at Sheldon. They rise and walkaround his desk until they're on either side of him.

(CONTINUED)

41.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

You know what? Maybe I can findSpinner a little something to doon the show. That's probably thebest solution.

Tommy now smiles and walks over to Sheldon. She musses

Sheldon's hair.

TOMMY:

You're a good boy, Mopes. Don't

think we don't remember favors.

SWISH PAN TO:

INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT WHILE LATER

Sheldon is in a meeting with a man, SONNY GORDON.

SHELDON:

Look, I appreciate the visit, butI'm just putting together a littlepetting zoo segment. Nothingfancy -- a few kittens... maybe aduck...

ANGLE ON SONNY:

SUPERIMPOSE:

SONNY GORDON, PRESIDENT, ANIMAL WRANGLERS'

LOCAL 358

SONNY:

If you're looking to bring in thatmany pieces I gotta put a crewtogether. Plus, we're lookin' at

transpo, a few leash handlers, acleanup boy and a doper to keepthe inventory quiet.

SHELDON:

Jeez, this all sounds awfullyelaborate. I might have to forgothe union and just borrow a fewanimals from a pet shop.

SONNY:

I wouldn't recommend it. Miss

Carol from Romper Room tried thatonce and she's still limping.

SWISH PAN TO -

42.

INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER

A frazzled-looking Sheldon is meeting with BEN FRANKS.

BEN:

On behalf of FunZone Toys, I'dlike to congratulate you on yourrecent promotion, and present youwith a small gift.

SUPERIMPOSE:
BEN FRANKS, V.P., FUNZONE TOYS

Ben reaches into his breast pocket and drops a large wadof money on Sheldon's desk that lands with a thud.

SHELDON:

Uh... that's nice of you, Ben, buta card would have been fine.

BEN:

FunZone Toys would very much likethe Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes.

SHELDON:

Is this... I mean... are youoffering me a bribe or something?

BEN:

FunZone Toys would very much likethe Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes.

Sheldon picks up the money and tosses it back to Ben.

Sheldon rises from his desk.

SHELDON:

Normally, sir, we take the trashout at the end of the day, but Ithink I'll make an exception in

your case.

Sheldon escorts Ben out the door and slams it shut. The

PHONE RINGS. Sheldon walks over and picks it up.

SHELDON:

Yes?

ASSISTANT (V.O.)

A Mr. Feedlepepper on line two.

SHELDON:

Who?

ASSISTANT (V.O.)

He says he's an old friend.

Sheldon punches line two.

(CONTINUED)

43.

CONTINUED:

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