Death to Smoochy Page #8

SHELDON:

Hello?

INTERCUT:

INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - RANDOLPH

RANDOLPH (V.O.)

You better grow eyes on the backof your f***ing head, you hornedpiece of sh*t! I won't sleepuntil the worms are crawlin' upyour foam rubber ass! I'm goingon safari, motherf***er... safari!

Sheldon hangs up stunned. Nora walks in holding the daily

news.

NORA:

Congratulations on your little iceshow.

SHELDON:

What are you talking about?

NORA:

It didn't take you long to sell out,

did it?

She tosses the paper on his desk.

NORA:

What happened to your preciousintegrity? Or was that just partof your dog and pony act.

She exits. A confused Sheldon looks at the "Around Town"

column.

INSERT - HEADLINE

"GARDEN TO HOST SMOOCHY ON ICE." The subhead reads:

"HUGE GATE EXPECTED -- VENDORS SALIVATE AT SMELL OF BIG

BUCKS."

CUT TO:

44.

INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - EVENING

We are TIGHT ON the feet of an Irish dancer doing a sortof Riverdance. We WIDEN OUT and the rest of the dancers

come INTO FRAME. Spinner and the mob ar clapping andwhooping.

Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the dark club havinga conversation.

SHELDON:

Burke, I never agreed to do an iceshow.

BURKE:

Shel, do you know what kind ofcash we'll take in between the

gate and concessions? A venture

like this gets you money andmuscle. Times twenty.

SHELDON:

Ice shows represent everything I'magainst. They're mindlessspectacles whose main purpose isto sell overpriced sugar-water andcheap plastic toys that splinterin a kid's mouth on the ride home.

BURKE:

Look, I know you got this fetishfor ethics, but now's not the time

to fly that kite. No one's ever

refused a shot at an ice show.

Sheldon tears the contract in half.

SHELDON:

Until now. Smoochy doesn't sellout, Burke. You should be proudof that. Proud that you representa client who paves driveways, notpaints them over.

BURKE:

I'm thrilled, Shel. Knocked out.

Burke just sits there, stunned. A waitress, SANDY,

passes by the booth.

SHELDON:

I'll have a pineapple juice,

Sandy.

(CONTINUED)

45.

CONTINUED:

SANDY:

Pineapple? What happened toorange juice?

SHELDON:

I'm feeling feisty tonight.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

We are now on a drum solo. Ernie the Elephant of theSmoochyland Band works it. The animal band plays asloppy version of "Pop Goes the Weasel." End on SpinnerDunn -- the newest and by far largest member of the band.

Spinner holds s cowbell and seems to be concentratingintently on the proper moment to hit it. Unfortunately,

his rhythm is off, which throws the rest of the band offas well.

We WIDEN OUT to see Smoochy and the Rhinettes attemptingto dance to the off-kilter rhythm. The song finallyends. The Rhinettes glare at Spinner. Smoochy addressesthe camera.

SMOOCHY:

Boy, wasn't that fun? In an

awkward kind of way? Anyhoo, how'bout a big round of applause forthe newest member of the

Smoochyland Band... formerheavyweight contender, SpinnerDunn!

Spinner stands up to take a bow and almost knocks theentire bandstand over. There is a smattering of confusedapplause from the kids in the bleachers. Spinner dropsthe cowbell and it clangs on the studio floor.

SPINNER:

Sh*t. Sorry.

INT. BACKSTAGE - AFTER SHOW

A beaming Spinner runs up to Sheldon, who's still in

costume.

SPINNER:

Did I do good, Sheldon, huh? Did I

do good?

(CONTINUED)

46.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

Yeah, that was great, Spinner.

Just watch your elbow next time.

Pinky's probably gonna lose thattooth.

SPINNER:

Okey doke. I'm gonna go get drunk

now.

Spinner skips off humming "Pop Goes the Weasel" andbanging his cowbell. Nora passes Sheldon backstage.

NORA:

Nice job. Casting the show withmental patients, I like that.

SHELDON:

(snapping)

He is not a mental patient. He's

an ex-boxer and nightclub ownerwho happens to have the sweetinnocent brian of a five-year-old!

NORA:

Excuse me for not making thedistinction.

She leaves.

EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - NIGHT

Sheldon exits the Kidnet building and walks to the curbto hail a cab. A friendly-looking man in a suit and bowtie approaches him. This is MERV GREEN.

MERV:

Hi there.

SHELDON:

Hi.

A limo pulls up in front of them. Merv opens the backdoor.

MERV:

Get in.

SHELDON:

Thanks anyway, but I'm going

uptown.

(CONTINUED)

47.

CONTINUED:

Merv pulls his jacket back to reveal a revolver tucked inhis waistband.

MERV:

Humor me, rhino.

INT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Sheldon slides into the back seat of the limo. A bigthug in an overcoat, HENRY, is already sitting there.

Merv gets in behind him and shuts the door. Sheldon is

now wedged between the two men as the limo heads downBroadway. Merv extends his hand.

MERV:

Merv Green, Sheldon. It's a

pleasure to meet you.

SHELDON:

If you're hoping for an autograph,

the gun's a bit much. The whole

'catch more flies with honey'thing -- it really holds water.

Sheldon laughs nervously.

MERV:

Sheldon, I represent the Parade ofHope Foundation. Maybe you'veheard of us.

SHELDON:

You raise money to buildchildren's hospitals, right?

MERV:

We've been known to add a brick or

two, sure.

Merv and the thug laugh.

MERV:

Sheldon, let me get right to thepoint -- there's talk on thestreet that you're pulling out ofthe ice show. Is that true?

(CONTINUED)

48.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

(big sigh)

You know, I never agreed to an

ice show, nor would I ever agree

to do an ice show, and let me add

that none of this is your concern,

sir.

(shakes his head)

Sheesh.

MERV:

Listen carefully, son: Parade of

Hope has sponsored every Kidnet

ice show since 1964. We take a

piece off the top and everybody

walks away happy. So let's not

buck history.

SHELDON:

Well, I appreciate the offer, but

for the gazillionth time, I'm not

doing an ice show, so we have

nothing to discuss. Now, if

you'll just pull over, I'll get

out and we'll say our toodley-dos.

(to driver)

Far corner, please.

MERV:

Allow me to be less murky.

Starting tomorrow, Smoochy the

Rhino raises his baton for Parade

of Hope. Benefits, banquets,

fund-raisers, I want it all.

(to driver)

Pull over, Terry.

The car pulls to the curb.

MERV:

And as far as the ice show goes...

I recommend you start shopping

for skates.

The door pops open and Sheldon is tossed out.

49.

INT. CORPORATE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

A troubled-looking Sheldon stands on his balcony lookingout at the city. He drinks orange juice straight fromthe carton.

Sheldon is on the phone with Burke.

SHELDON:

This is unacceptable, Burke! I'm

calling the authorities.

BURKE (V.O.)

Don't do it, Shel. You rat on

Parade of Hope and you'll be luckyif they find your toenails. These

guys are the roughest of all thecharities.

SHELDON:

I was threatened by anorganization that's supposed tohelp children! What kind of world

is this?

BURKE (V.O.)

The real one. My advice?

Consider the ice show and stayhealthy.

Burke hangs up. After a beat, Sheldon's DOORBELL RINGS.

He walks over to the door and opens it. To his surprise,

Nora is standing there.

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