Death to Smoochy Page #9

NORA:

May I come in?

SHELDON:

Sure.

Nora enters. She seems a little wobbly. Sheldon notices

she's holding a pint of whiskey.

SHELDON:

Uh... are you okay?

NORA:

I'm getting drunk and I'm not usedto it.

SHELDON:

Oh. Well, not to make you feelworse, but with alcohol you'realso consuming empty calories.

Nora looks at him for a moment.

(CONTINUED)

50.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

It's just that... I want toapologize, actually. And on those

rare occasions when I feel the

need to apologize for something,

it helps if I'm, you know... shitfaced.

SHELDON:

Wow. I'm honored.

Nora trips slightly. Sheldon takes the whiskey from her.

SHELDON:

Why don't we get some air?

He leads her out on the balcony. They look out at thecity.

NORA:

I... I may have been a littleharsh when we spoke the other day.

A little out of line.

SHELDON:

Well, it wasn't as bad as the week

before when you called me a pasty-

faced, no-talent hack.

NORA:

Yes, that was probably insensitiveas well.

(looks at him)

I heard you're not doing the iceshow. I find that... incrediblyadmirable. Why didn't you tellme?

SHELDON:

I guess I didn't want to spoilyour fun. You look so content

when you're berating me.

Nora looks down.

NORA:

I'm afraid I have become a bit

hardened over the years.

Sincerity's an easy disguise inthis business. It's hard to know

who's on the level.

(CONTINUED)

51.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

Believe me, I'm learning that moreand more every day.

(wistfully)

'Sometimes light is really dark,

Sometimes crows can sing like

larks

Sometimes Winter feels like

Spring,

Don't think you know everything.'

NORA:

(in disbelief)

'Rickets the Hippo'?

SHELDON:

You remember Rickets?

NORA:

That was my favorite show when Iwas a kid. Rickets was the one

face I knew I could trust.

SHELDON:

That's how I felt! Rickets had

real depth. He was my inspirationfor Smoochy.

NORA:

Really? He was my inspiration towork in children's television.

SHELDON:

I can't believe it. I never met

anyone who even remembers Rickets.

Do you remember the Klunky-Wunkydance?

NORA:

Remember it? I did it at my firstcommunion.

Sheldon starts doing the rather insane-looking Klunky-

Wunky dance. Nora does it with him. They both stop andlook at each other. Sheldon impulsively leans in andkisses her.

SHELDON:

I'm sorry. That was a mistake,

right? I didn't mean for that to

hap-

Nora grabs his head and pulls it toward her. They beginkissing passionately.

(CONTINUED)

52.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

(as they kiss)

You're not full of sh*t like all

the others, are you?

SHELDON:

No, no.

NORA:

(as they kiss)

You're for real, right?

SHELDON:

Yes, yes.

NORA:

(through the kisses)

I mean, I couldn't tell... First I

thought it was an act... and thenI just thought you were a simp orsomething...

SHELDON:

Shhh... you don't have to

explain...

They continue to kiss. Nora abruptly stops.

NORA:

I should go.

SHELDON:

Why?

Nora exits the balcony and collects her coat and purse.

SHELDON:

What's wrong? Is it the whiskey?

If you have to throw up, be my

guest. Anywhere you like.

NORA:

It's just getting late.

Sheldon follows her to the door. She stops and looks athim for a moment. The PHONE starts to RING. Neither of

them says anything for a beat.

NORA:

Better get that. Good night.

She exits. Sheldon shuts the door and sighs. He goes tothe bar to pour himself another orange juice beforepicking up the phone.

(CONTINUED)

53.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

Hello?

ANGELO'S APARTMENT

We GO TO a HORIZONTAL SPLIT-SCREEN. Randolph is on theBOTTOM HALF. He lies on his bed in Angelo's apartmentwearing a bathrobe with a towel wrapped around his head.

His head dangles off the bed as he talks on the phone.

The SHOT is reminiscent of Bye Bye Birdie.

RANDOLPH:

Hello, Mr. Mopes? My name isBenjamin Kunklepeck and I'mcalling on behalf of 'Parents forDecency in Children's Television,'

perhaps you've heard of us?

SHELDON:

No, but I like where you're comingfrom. It's an issue very close tomy heart. Why just yesterday Iwas commenting -

RANDOLPH:

Sir, we're having a banquettomorrow and we'd be honored to

have you perform for us. We would

also like to present you with aplaque for your ongoing commitmentto children's television. The

presenter will be a young orphanwith mild asthma. Can you attend?

EXT. VERRAZANO NARROWS BRIDGE - NEXT MORNING

A black Lincoln Town Car travels across the bridge towardStaten Island.

SHELDON (V.O.)

Thanks for picking me up, Mr.

Kunklepeck. It's very nice of

you.

INT. TOWN CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Sheldon is in the back seat. The Smoochy costume is nextto him. Behind the wheel is Randolph. He's in disguise.

(CONTINUED)

54.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

Don't be silly. The chance to

have Smoochy the Rhino perform atour little soiree? I'd carry youpiggy-back through a bed of hotrusty glass if I had to.

SHELDON:

Well, it's always a pleasure tohelp out a worthy cause. And

believe me, I've learned latelythat it's not all sunshine and

daffodils in the land of nonprofit.

RANDOLPH:

I just looove your show, by the

way. It's such a refreshingchange of pace from that dreadfulembezzler... what's his name

again? Rainbow something orother?

SHELDON:

Randolph.

RANDOLPH:

Yes. Rainbow Randolph. What a

scoundrel! He's probably gay too.

SHELDON:

Oh, I don't know. I feel sorryfor him, actually. He obviouslyhas problems or issues that heneeds to sort out.

RANDOLPH:

(getting frustrated)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but don't youtake particular glee in that youbasically stole his time slot?

Helped shovel dirt onto hismiserable corpse, as it were?

SHELDON:

No, I would never take pleasure insomeone's downfall. You know the

old expression about walking amile in another man's shoes?

Well, that really holds water.

Just try to imagine -

(CONTINUED)

55.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH:

(snapping)

Come on, he's a f***ing a**hole!

You hate him! Admit it!

SHELDON:

(uncomfortable)

Uh... can we listen to the radio?

EXT. WAREHOUSE - SHORT WHILE LATER

The Town Car is parked behind an old warehouse in themiddle of nowhere. Sheldon is now in costume. Randolphrushes out of the door, very excited.

RANDOLPH:

Okay, they're ready for you!

SHELDON:

I gotta say, this is a first -- Inever performed in a tractor partswarehouse before.

RANDOLPH:

Well, we like to do these thingsno-frills. It's all about the

kids.

SHELDON:

Amen to that.

Randolph opens the door a crack and listens. We hear an

O.S. VOICE from inside.

VOICE (O.S.)

It gives me great pleasure tointroduce our very specialguest... a supporter of the causeand a friend to the brotherhood.

Please welcome, the one, the

only... Smoochy the Rhino!

We hear APPLAUSE. Randolph quickly opens the rusty door.

RANDOLPH:

Knock 'em dead, kid!

He shoves Sheldon inside.

INT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

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