Deidra & Laney Rob a Train Page #4

I am Pacific Western Railroad's

top investigator.

I never partner with local PD.

I never babysit rent-a-cops.

New experience for both of us, I guess.

I typically take down

organized criminal syndicates.

I do not want

to be investigating teenagers.

Now, I know that you're gonna feel

the need to protect your students,

but any information you have

that could make this investigation

go faster would be appreciated by me,

my railroad

and the United States government.

Excuse me, ladies,

have you seen Deidra Tanner?

Okay. Has anyone seen Deidra Tanner?

Okay. Mr. Morrissey, hi.

Have you seen Deidra Tanner?

Hmm... I don't think she's been

in class all week.

I need the light!

- I need...

- Where's Mr. Bear?

Thank you.

- Dee, there's cameras!

- What? No! Laney!

Oh, God! Please!

I'm gonna kill you.

Those cameras weren't there yesterday.

So what?

It's not like anybody watches them.

- Who's that?

- I don't know. Just answer the door.

Answer the door.

- I don't want to.

- Just get it.

- We'll be fine.

- What are you gonna do with that?

If you don't answer the door,

I swear to God.

- All right.

- Just... be cool.

- Hey, there.

- Hey, there.

- I'm looking for Deidra.

- I'm not here.

She's not here right now.

- She's not here?

- Nope.

She's right here.

- Like right here?

- Laney!

Deidra, get your things.

We're going to school.

- Now's not a good time.

- I cannot believe you did this.

I can't believe that one day

random cells started to divide

and form complex organisms,

but it happened.

Is it you and your sister?

Is this a trend?

- Are there more people? Who is it?

- Nobody.

- I'll guarantee that.

- I'm gonna have to tell Principal Wagner.

- No, no.

- We're on a zero tolerance policy.

- No, you don't have to tell.

- I do have to tell.

There was a Pacific Western rail cop

in my office two days ago

- looking for teenage train robbers.

- I was just doing what you said.

- What did I say?

- You told me to get desperate

so I can bail my mom out

and come back to school.

- That is not what I meant.

- Well, now college is back on the table.

I mean, rolling deadlines are still open,

and I'm actually saving money

for my first semester.

- I can apply to any college you want.

- Even the Ivies?

Why am I even considering this? No.

You are a thief and an extortionist.

You know, if I go to jail,

your valedictorian

- is gonna be Stacy Alberts.

- Oh, God.

The girl who wants to major

in domestic engineering.

She'll bring up cast iron cookware

in her speech.

Deal.

Now, I'm an accomplice.

- Okay.

- Oh, sorry.

Tell me about this train cop.

And finally we can never invest too much

in Pre-K education.

Way to go, Claire. Excellent answer.

Laney, you're next.

Oh, wow, that's a really nice dress.

Did your mom make that

in a prison sweatshop?

Laney, name your favorite school holiday

and why.

My favorite school holiday is...

Columbus Day. Because we

wouldn't be here without Columbus.

Unless you're Indian,

Native American, then...

Martin Luther King Day. Duh.

Okay. Well, most of your answers

blew me away.

Ladies,

that signifies the end of rehearsal.

- I already told my kid.

- With the cop poking around,

- I can't promote someone with a record.

- I'm not the one stealing this time.

Yeah, go.

Yeah.

He dropped a traction motor on his toe?

That's what happens

when you promote the wrong people.

I'm coming right down. Just a sec.

Next time it comes around.

There may not be a next time!

Mr. Bear? What are you doing here?

Good afternoon.

My name is Victor Truman,

and I have been deployed here

by the Pacific Western Railroad Company...

to enlighten all of you

as to the lethal dangers of rail traffic.

Ha ha!

Dee, stop it.

What the hell is this?

I don't know. Some guy came into school

today and gave us a speech.

Oh, my God, this is disgusting.

What do you think it means?

Do you think they know?

No. No, of course not.

I mean, they have that every year.

I had to sit through it last year.

The health teacher has a stack of those

on his desk next to the bowl of condoms.

I've never heard of...

Well, you don't pay very much attention

in school.

Maybe it's something to think about.

- What is?

- Packing up shop, bringing Mom home.

I feel like we're not getting

enough money out of this.

No, we're not.

Oh, sh*t!

It's CPS day.

Laney, you were supposed to be home!

You were supposed to be home!

Oh, my God!

Hey, don't be so dramatic, honey.

You know, every time Uncle Dennis

comes in and does a little housework,

they act like they've seen Bigfoot.

- You are just a hoot.

- No Sasquatch here.

- More pancakes?

- You know, I probably will.

You are gonna make

an excellent husband someday.

Thank you.

Well, Gloria, kinda hate to see you go.

- Oh, well, thank you.

- Yeah.

With all of these kids running around,

it's nice to have an adult conversation.

- Ooh, I'm an adult.

- Just barely.

Barely legal.

- So are you gonna be here next week?

- Well, I'm hoping so. Will you?

- It's a date.

- Okay.

Well, you know, a court-ordered meeting.

Or a date.

You got a little syrup right there.

- Got it.

- Thanks.

- Okay. Bye now.

- Bye.

Chet, what are you doing here?

Chet? Chet, what are you doing here?

- Chet, no! Don't!

- Wait!

Well, lookee what we have here.

I'll give you one point for organization.

That little thermometer chart,

that's a nice touch.

But minus three points

for your dumb shittery.

What are you thinking? Huh?

These can't be here.

Any Joe Piss can wander down the street

and look back here,

and you're looking at county lockup,

three years minimum.

Chet, you can't be here legally.

Burn these. That's the best way

to destroy the evidence,

but do not tell your mother.

What if that CPS lady figures out

who you really are?

- I mean, what if she sees your record?

- Manifest Destiny.

A man has a right to protect his family

regardless of the law.

- That is not Manifest Destiny.

- You know something?

Your Uncle Dennis

did a little recognizance.

It turns out old Gloria, she has

over 200 cases in this county alone.

So she ain't gonna be looking me up.

Honey, come give me a hand with this one.

No. No, don't do that.

I can handle this myself.

Oh, can you? Okay.

How's that cop

gonna run his investigation?

- A cop?

- You don't know.

- Oh, my God.

- You don't know.

But I do because I've been investigated

many times.

- Not cool.

- You girls know how you got caught?

- The dude from school?

- Nope.

On the bottom of each shipping container,

there's a sticker.

And on the sticker, there's a bar code.

And that bar code

matches the shipping manifest.

So when you open the container,

it rips the sticker, destroys the bar code

so it can't be scanned

at the next checkpoint.

- An investigation?

- Oh, yeah.

The cameras.

Oh, and, uh... recognize him?

Mr. Bear?

I gave you Mr. Bear

at your eighth birthday party,

right before your mom kicked me out

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