Deliver Us from Eva Page #3

You're not in our family.

- But I'm almost in.

- Almost isn't in, now, is it?

Mike, honey, do you really want

to get into an argument...

with a woman in here, hmm?

Got some Frosted Mini-Wheats

in your scalp. Hey! You're fine.

You're right, baby. You got

that thing for me? Oh, yeah.

Fiber? "Fiber Power. "

Are you okay, Mike?

Is everything moving all right?

He's a little irregular. All right.

You don't have to announce it.

- Hey, I got somethin'for that.

- And if she can't fix you, I know I can.

You need to quit, Telly, 'cause I

ain't even close to going your way.

Damn.

Let me call headquarters.

Hello. Yeah, it's me.

Listen, take Mike off the list.

Mm-hmm.

Sixty-nine out.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I should've never came to this

place, better known as "Man Hell. "

No, this is

a female sanctuary.

- Way the whole world ought to be.

Ain't that right, ladies? - Mm-hmm.

See you.

Bye.

Get some milk for them cornflakes. Hey.

You should start making him take better care

ofhimself if you guys are gonna get married.

He should get a colonic or see a

specialist. And I know a good one.

Hey, got your order.

Where do you want it?

Freezer number one.

Make sure you stack them neatly.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Where's Leonard?

He's sick. I'm Oscar,

the assistant manager.

Okay, Oscar, I'm Inspector

Dandridge from the health department.

Yes, I've heard about you.

Good. Then you know the drill.

Let's get clean.

It does not look good,

Oscar.

I found contamination

in red zones.

Your glass freezer door

has a hairline break in it.

And I found black pellets behind

the food containers in the back.

That is probably just graphite

from the new units we put in.

Your water's only 105 degrees.

Can you just let that slide?

The requirement is 110,

because science tells us...

at that temperature all

dangerous organisms will die.

That means in your water, some will

live. And not just any germs, Oscar.

No. The bad-ass ones, the ones that can

swim in 105- degree-temperature water...

and live to party on

some child's french fries.

We don't serve fries.

Are you mocking me?

No, ma'am. That's good,

because I'm not done yet.

This entire kitchen gets a level

four sanitation or you get written up.

What? No, that means

it's in the newspaper.

Thank goodness for you I've

got a soft heart. Heart?

You don't have a heart.

You got a hole with an ice pump in

it. You know, I don't understand you.

Why do you have to be

so goddamn uncompromising?

It's called principle,

Oscar.

Maybe the world is in

short supply, but I am not.

People pay their tax dollars

for my principle...

so they can go into a restaurant

and not eat chicken fried rat...

or bite into a bacon,

lettuce and ptomaine sandwich.

If I slack up on you, then I

have to cut everyone a break,

and pretty soon, the almonds

on your salad have legs.

If that makes me uncompromising,

well, I wear it as a badge of honor,

because I'm in

damn good company.

Martin Luther King was uncompromising,

Nelson Mandela was uncompromising,

and I'm sure your mother

was uncompromising,

although the evidence of that

is not apparent today.

So, why don't you think of me

as your mom right now?

And Mama says,

"Clean it up!"

See you in 48 hours.

All right.

I'll go on the date with Eva.

Mmm! Yes! Yes! What made

you change your mind, Ray?

I saw her

at a restaurant.

If I can get that woman, I'll go

down in the Player Hall of Fame.

You sure will.

Okay, okay.

So what's your price? I need

five grand to get the house.

Five thousand dollars? I

don't know, man. Hey, hey, hey-

Forty-five, what did you say

about five thousand dollars?

Um, I said,

"Five pounds

of collard greens, man.

No ham. "

Ordering soul food.

Five thousand dollars?

Yes, man.

I saw her in action.

You're getting off cheap.

I don't know. I gotta talk

to the guys about this, Ray.

All right. Well, let me know. I'm ready.

Ooh.

Thank you. Thank you.

- I want to talk to you for a second, Eva.

- What about, sir?

I was offered a position as

deputy health inspector in Chicago.

- That's great.

- I'm not taking the job,

but I think

you should consider it.

Me, Theo?

The representative from Chicago's been here

all week checking out my best inspectors.

- He liked you. Send in Mr. Tillman.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, goodness.

- Hello, Eva.

- You were checking me out the other day.

- Yes, I was.

And you were amazing.

You passed

with flying colors.

I should have worn my diaper.

Chicago's a tough town.

- We need our inspectors to have your intensity.

- Okay!

- I'm at a loss for words.

- And that doesn't happen often.

You don't have to

say anything now.

I've still got a few more candidates

in other cities to look at.

But I'll let you know in a few

weeks when I make my decision.

Meeting you was...

an experience.

Uh, Theo.

Right. Bye.

That's great. I wanted your

job, but this is way better.

- Oh, my God!

- This will be very exciting for you.

Better job,

more money in a new city.

Yeah, my sisters are-

- What?

- Nothing.

I'm sure they're gonna be

really happy for me.

Thank you

for recommending me.

Thanks.

I will see you in two weeks. Thank you.

Great.

Bye.

How come I can never get

my toes done on girls'night?

'Cause it's only

for the Dandridge sisters.

- And nobody wants to

touch your funky-ass feet. -

Oh! Ladies, ladies,

guess who I saw.

Lucius Johnson.

- Lucious Lucius.

- Hmm.

I wouldn't mind

seeing him again.

Me neither.

I wonder if he's married.

Eva, are you okay?

Yeah, sure.

Why wouldn't I be?

- Are you still stuck on Lucius?

- No! G-God!

Come on. Ancient history. Eva,

once you give a man some of

your energy, he always has it.

- Well, yeah.

- Especially if he popped that cherry.

- Pop, pop, pop!

- No, no, no!

- There was no pop, pop, popping of any cherries, Ormandy.

Lucius was my first,

and I was his. That's all.

Listen, the best way

to get over an old man-

Is to get under a new one.

Yeah! I am not thinking about Lucius.

Okay?

It's girls'night, right?

I'm sure that a group of intelligent...

women can come together...

and talk about something

besides men.

- Sad.

Well, Tim did introduce me to

somebody new in his department.

- Do you wanna meet him?

- I do need a date...

to the mayor's formal

fund-raiser in a couple weeks.

All right. I'll bite.

What are his vitals?

Thirty-six, divorced, two kids.

I hear he's in group therapy.

- Pass -

Mmm. - Uh-uh.

Girl, messed-up men

are the best ones.

- A messed-up man is redundant.

- I don't need to be set up, okay?

I'm good.

I prayed on this.

God- God is gonna

take care of it.

God ain't shipping out

no men.

Like hell he ain't.

Look here, when you talk to God,

tell him a sister needs

a tall, fine one.

- And not gay.

- You know you want the soul pole.

No, he didn't. No, he didn't! Bam!

A star for a star.

You shouldn't let Eva stop us

from moving in together, Beth.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes