Deliver Us from Eva Page #4

See, I just don't sense

that we're spiritually...

in tune with each other...

completely.

And besides,

we're not married. Hmm?

I'm not gonna propose

just to spend the night.

Okay. Have I ever

pressured you about that?

Of course not.

And Eva says cohabitation does not increase

the chances of a lasting relationship.

Oh, my God. Will you stop

it with the "Evaisms"?

That woman with her statistics

and her philosophy- Mike, honey-

She's very intelligent.

Don't hate on her for it.

If she's so smart, why doesn't

she dissolve the fund...

and let you live your own lives

with your own money?

You know what? This is stress.

You wanna do some meditation, hmm?

No. No meditation.

Stress is why your colon

is all clogged up.

Thanks to Eva's doctor,

my colon is a freeway.

Look, all I wanna do

is spend the night with you...

and not have to get up in the middle

of the night like some criminal.

I enjoy spending time

with you.

I love the way you blink.

I love that smile.

I love you.

I love you too.

But why should a man buy the software

when he can download for free?

That is Eva talking. That is

not you talking. No, actually-

Jacqui said it,

but it doesn't matter.

You know, Eva took charge of the

family after our parents died.

If we wanna have a child, it

should be our decision, not Eva's.

All she said was that most marriages

fail within the first five years.

Fifty-two percent. We've

only been married for three.

If we had a baby

and something were to go wrong,

then there's an innocent life

hanging in the balance of our failure.

Nothing... is going...

to go... wrong.

Mmm. Hmm?

Besides,you know I didn't have a

good relationship with my father.

Honey, I know, but-

And all I want...

is my chance...

to be a good daddy,

to have

a little brown bundle...

of love... and life.

And I want it

because I love you.

Now, tell me,

is that so wrong?

Fifty-two percent.

Honey,

Eva gives great advice.

She put me through med school,

you know?

God, do I know that!

You know what?

You're not married to me.

You're married to Eva. I'm

just a handyman with a penis.

Tim, like you ever fix

anything around here!

What- What did I say?

I cannot believe we are paying

five grand to this man.

Just think of it as an investment.

Once Eva's gone, we'll all be happy.

It was a great idea-you having

him meet Eva at church.

- She is going to love that.

- Well-

Fellas, I don't think we should

be talking about this here.

God might hear us. God

made Eva, so we're even.

Speaking of which, where is this guy?

Church is almost over.

Tim, this is a black church.

It's never over.

Excuse me.

Yo, what took you

so long?

I'm not the churchgoing type.

You people get up early.

Nice job with the choir,

Eva, girl. They were bangin'.

You know, Reverend, your sermon

today was great. I mean, bang-up job.

Although you did miss a word of

that verse from the Book of Acts.

I think I was the only one who

caught it, and, well, God, of course.

So I took the liberty of

jotting down a few suggestions...

on how you can do better

in the future. Say what?

My child, please.

I appreciate that.

But you know what?

I got this.

- Praise the Lord.

Praise him. Eva, we're

all waiting for you.

Can't you see I'm busy, Michael?

I am speaking with the reverend.

Oh, no, no, honey.

Please, go.

Go back to your friends.

Please- No. Go.

Actually, Reverend, I needed to

talk to you and get your advice...

for a friend of mine who has a

dilemma about a job she's considering.

Mmm. I've got people who have

much bigger problems, Eva.

People whose souls need to be saved

from eternal damnation. Stuff like that.

A soul lasts forever,

Reverend, and this job may not.

Please, I need to tell her

what to do. Tell your friend I-

Follow her heart.

Now, please, excuse me.

Amen.

Eva, this is Ray Adams,

a friend of mine.

Hello.

Hello, Raymond.

Call me Ray. No one calls me

Raymond. Well, I do, Raymond.

What's so funny?

I love a woman

who speaks her mind.

My girlfriend's the same way.

Oh. Well, good for her.

Ray, I didn't know

you were seeing anyone.

Oh, yeah,

about six months now.

I see a friend of mine over there.

It's nice to meet you. All of you.

What the hell

was that, man?

Why did you tell her you had a

woman? We gave you half the money.

If you're thinking about screwing us

- Mmm! Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

No woman wants a man who another

woman doesn't already want.

The next time I meet her,

I'll make my move.

I'm sure me and my girlfriend

will be having trouble by then.

You're good. I should've known. Yeah.

Look, Tim is having some people

over next week for a barbecue.

Why don't you come by?

I will.

Just let the master

handle his business.

By the way, I'm gonna need

a little expense money.

Expenses for what? I need

funding to take Eva on a date.

What about the five

grand? That was my fee.

"Fee. " "Expenses. "

See how the words are different?

Three hundred should

do it. Three hundred?

Three hundred dollars?

All right. Fine. Fine.

But you're on it.

Like wet paint.

Okay.

- Ray was pretty fine. - Yeah, and he

has a girlfriend. - Leave him alone.

- All the good prospects are all taken.

- Or gay.

You should always use an opportunity

like this to swoop on a man.

When Mr. Mason left his wife

last year, I jumped right on it.

- Ormandy, Mr. Mason is 70.

- Are you crazy? See, an old man is a perfect man.

You give him a little Viagra

so he can handle his business,

and right before he gets on your nerves,

honey, he dies and leaves you his cash.

That's like having a dick with

a lottery number on it! Yeah!

- Mm-mmm, that's nasty. -

Eva isn't a home wrecker.

So don't worry about them.

You can do much better.

- Jacqui, you are always blocking on Eva.

- I do not.

You do too. You're spoiled.

- You always wanna keep Eva to yourself.

- No, that's ridiculous.

- Isn't that, Eva?

- Of course it is, honey.

Jacqui, you are a big-ass baby.

- The queen ofbig-ass babies. - So why

are you guys always ganging up on me?

- Because you're an evil, twisted little heifer.

- Twisted!

- Ladies, is this how we behave?

- It has been this way since we were little!

When you cut off my baby doll's

head when I was 10!

You broke my Boo-Boo Kitty,

so the b*tch had to die!

- I'm moving to Chicago.

- Eva, what did you just say?

- I'm moving to Chicago.

I might be getting a betterjob

and moving...

to Chicago.

My boss told me

the other day.

Come on. I mean, it's deputy

health inspector of Chicago!

It's a great opportunity.

Look, I've been looking

for a way to tell you guys.

So there it is...

in a nutshell.

Th-That-

That's great for you.

Yeah, it- it is.

Girl, there's some fine brothers

up in Chicago.

So you're just gonna up

and leave, just like that?

No, I have to get

the job first.

I'll find out in a few

weeks. Oh, I'm sorry.

First you get the job, then you pack

up and leave like a thief in the night?

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