Diary Of A Wimpy Kid Page #4

for hurting a girl.

Why does she even want to wrestle?

Who knows? Girls are very confusing.

Like today,

I heard someone in the hallway say

that Bryce Anderson has a cute butt.

What does that even mean?

A butt can't be cute. It's a butt.

I know, but that's what they were saying.

I don't see why girls our age

can't talk just like regular people.

So how are you gonna become

a class favorite now?

Two words.

- Best Dressed.

- How are you going to do that?

Fashion is easy.

You wear a shirt and a tie,

and kids are impressed.

I'm telling you, this is gonna work.

(SINGING) I light 'em up

before the motor starts

I go so fast that I could never stop

Look under the hood

but you don't know what I got

I'm a moving violation, baby

Hot, hot, hot, hot

Ta-da!

- I told you I was wearing this.

- I know!

I wanted to be matchers.

- BOY:
Check 'em out!

- (LAUGHTER)

GIRL:
(SINGING)

Greg and Rowley sitting in a tree

ALL:
(SINGING)

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love...

GREG:
You know,

maybe Rodrick was right about Rowley.

Maybe I do need a new best friend.

But I can't just ditch him.

I mean, if anybody has a better idea,

I'd love to hear it.

NARRATOR:
In this school,

much like your own,

one boy is about to learn

an important lesson

about self-worth and esteem.

Gag me with a spoon.

That guy is so unpopular,

I'd hate to be him.

(SIGHS)

Why doesn't anybody like me?

BROCK:
Maybe because they don't know

how awesome you really are.

Brock Branigan P.I.!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to solve the case of the boy

who just needed to be himself.

So go for it!

Show them how awesome you really are!

Hey, guys. Do you like break dancing?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

That is totally rad!

Wicked.

You should sit with us at lunch, friend.

Sweet!

It really is awesome to be me!

Thanks, Brock.

Okay. Let's talk about what we've learned.

GREG:
I don't know about anyone else,

but I know what I learned.

It is awesome to be me.

The problem with Rowley

is that he's not enough like me.

I can't ditch him

'cause he'd be lost without me.

But maybe I can fix him.

Because that's the kind of friend I am.

What are you doing?

Making your clothes

more middle-school friendly.

Look at this stuff. Too babyish and weird.

Too "Why don't you just punch me now?"

What are you, a foreign exchange student?

Oh, man. This one we burn.

That was a present from my mom.

Well, then your mom

is trying to get you killed.

Ready? Steady. Go.

No, no, no.

You look like one of the Seven Dwarfs.

You only need one strap. One strap is cool.

But there's two straps.

Why would they put on two straps

if you're only supposed to use one?

Because the guys who make backpacks

aren't cool.

If they were cool, they'd give it one strap,

like the cool one-strap guys do.

You know what has one strap?

Machine guns.

You know what else? Electric guitars.

- You know what else?

- Purses?

- But Joshie is cool.

- Rowley, Joshie is not cool.

He's a lip-synching pop star

whose fans are eight-year-old girls.

You're just jealous

that I was the one who discovered him.

Who are you gonna listen to, Rowley?

Me or Joshie?

Joshie says to respect your parents

and follow your dreams.

Then Joshie must get beaten up a lot.

You actually almost look as good as me.

Am I great at this or what?

There's Bryce Anderson. Just be cool.

- Hey, Bryce.

- Yeah, hey, Bryce!

Cute butt!

You're killing me, you know that?

Look, Rowley, tonight's Halloween,

our favorite night of the year,

so, just promise me you won't wear,

do or say anything weird.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

You're kidding me, right?

(SIGHS) My mom wanted me

to be visible at night.

From space?

So, we'll hit a few houses

on the way to the North Side,

which is where we'll do

most of our trick-or-treating.

Why are we going all the way over there?

It's where the rich people live.

They hand out, like, two, three pieces

of big candy to each kid.

Not that candy corn crap.

I'm talking about full-size

Milky Ways and Nutter Butters.

Plus, if we time it right,

rich people get tired of answering

their doors and just leave the bowl out.

We can clean up.

ROWLEY:
Wow, you're lucky.

My mom doesn't let me play

with makeup anymore.

Shut up, tool.

Loded Diper's got a gig tonight.

Mmm.

Going to the North Side, huh?

Takes you right past

the Devil Worshiper Woods.

The Devil Worshiper Woods?

You know about that story, right?

Well, there used to be this house

right here where these woods are.

They had to tear it down because

what happened there was so terrible.

What happened there?

Well, a long time ago,

two kids who were, I don't know,

maybe in middle school,

they trick-or-treated at that house

on Halloween night.

But the house was full of devil worshipers

who put the kids

in these giant pizza ovens.

And they cooked them and they ate them.

But they forgot to turn off the ovens.

So the house burned down

with everyone in it.

How'd the trees get there?

And then they planted trees.

Oh.

And to this day, on Halloween night,

you can still hear the demonic laughter

of the devil worshiper ghosts

as they roam the woods,

looking for more kids to sacrifice!

Hey, Rodrick.

I need you to help me out. Like...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Are you wearing eyeliner?

- KIDS:
Trick or treat.

- Susan!

- I'm on door duty!

- GIRL:
Thank you.

Bubby!

Mom, can you tell him

to stop calling me that?

What if somebody hears?

Then they'll know how much he loves you.

Frank, Frank, honey, honey,

can you go with them?

No, I can't. I got to guard the house

in case someone tries to T.P. Us.

They're gonna get drenched from the roof.

(LAUGHS)

Honey, for goodness sakes,

don't do that again.

Remember what happened last year?

I got you!

(CRYING)

Hi.

I thought they were teenagers.

And I couldn't see through the bushes.

My legs, they hurt from the squatting.

So, that's why

I'm doing it from the roof this year.

So I can see when they're coming.

Can we go now?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Yes, go.

- But stay in the neighborhood.

- KIDS:
Trick or treat.

- And no North Side!

- We promise!

GREG:
We got to stay in this neighborhood

the rest of the night.

That guy gave me two full-size Snickers!

Did I tell you or did I tell you?

These people have money to burn!

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

ON CAR RADIO)

ROWLEY:
I can't believe

we got this much candy.

This is, like, the best day ever.

CARTER:
Hey, reflector dude, nice costume!

Thanks! My mom made it...

(EXCLAIMING)

(BO YS LAUGHING)

- CARTER:
Oh, that was awesome!

- I saw your plates! We're calling the cops!

Uh-oh.

Oh, boy.

Run!

CARTER:
Hey,

they're going through the yard!

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