Dinner for Schmucks Page #7

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- Let me explain.

This is Darla. She's a naughty

schoolgirl who cheats on her taxes.

I didn't know whether

you were gonna come today,

so I brought Darla to keep

things running smoothly.

Very important potential client.

That clears that up.

Yeah. Thank you.

Darling, you're embarrassing

yourself. it's over.

She's really quite a catch, Tim.

Congratulations.

- No! Julie...

- Nice to have met you.

- He's very crafty.

-Julie! Julie!

I'm so sorry, I hope we can

continue this at a later date,

- but, actually, I love her.

- Wait, Tim?

- Julie!

- Tim?

Julie! Julie, look...

Wait, wait, I know that looked awkward,

but you've gotta trust me.

- Trust you?

- Yes. I trust you.

I know you spent the night at Kieran's

ranch. I know nothing happened.

Right?

I didn't go to Kieran's ranch

last night.

- I'm going now.

- No! Don't go! Don't go!

Tim, I have to go. It's my job. We're

going to San Francisco this weekend

to set up for the show. He wants me

to be part of his artistic process.

His artistic process...

That means sex, Julie.

He told me last nigh!

when I broke into his house!

You broke into his house?

My God. I guess there really

is a you I don't know.

It's too bad. I was so

in love with the other one.

- Hop in.

- MOVE.

OK.

Tim, Tim...

May dead!

I don't think you're

a very nice person, Tim.

Just stay out of my life.

And I'm keeping the ring.

I think that was really good for her.

See? It works.

I can't help but think

this is partially my fault.

Really? Well, it is your fault.

it's 100 percent your fault!

I'm sorry.

Hello, Therman. You win.

You can eat my pudding.

Thirty-one Lighthill Drive.

OK, Therman.

I don't even know who he is anymore.

it's like I'm having a bad dream.

I mean, am I crazy?

Am I completely delusional, here?

I don't even know

what's going on anymore.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be

unloading this.

I want to photograph you right now.

I don't think it's the

best time right now, really.

It is exactly the best time.

I've never seen you like this.

You're so raw, so wonderfully

visible. So beautiful.

This is weird, Kieran.

I don't think we should...

Not doing this would be weird.

Keep talking. Tell me about Tim.

I don't know. I mean, I just...

I just always thought that

there was this decent...

...basic person underneath it all.

You'd think that you would know

someone after two years.

But, no. That's bad.

He's such a smooth talker.

So convincing.

I don't even know if anything

he's ever said to me is true.

- These pictures are gonna be amazing.

- Kieran, you've lost your mind!

- This is crazy! No!

- Don't light it, It's art.

I don't want to take pictures.

Can we just stop it?

What are you doing here?

Julie, there's something

I need to tell you.

- Kieran has gonorrhea.

- No, I don't.

- You might.

- I don't.

- Well, she does, She has gonorrhea.

- What?

- Don't sleep with her.

- She doesn't.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

Because you can get it

from riding the bus.

- No, you can't.

- Yes, you can, Tim.

That's how my wife got it.

Barry, no one here has gonorrhea.

I do.

I have gonorrhea.

I got gonorrhea from my wife,

who got it from a bus seat.

And no one should sleep with me.

OK.

Could I speak with Julie alone, please?

Tim, you have to tell her

what's in your heart,

- you have to be honest with her.

- Yeah.

That's what I did with Martha,

and that did not work.

But I think this'Il work for you.

- OK.

- Thank you. All right.

Have you ever just spent five months

living with a herd of goats,

as one of them?

- No?

- No.

That surprises me.

The thing about a goat is, it never

denies itself what it's hungry for.

A goat will eat anything.

A goat could probably eat a bike.

A goal could eat itself,

if it was driven to it.

I'm just a goat...

,,,who's halfway through eating itself.

Just to be clear, what exactly

are we talking about?

Everything.

I had no idea. It happened one night

three years ago, before we ever met.

I haven't seen her since.

So she just popped back up

into your life, like that?

She tried to get in touch with me

and Barry intercepted the message.

- So it's all Barry's fault?

- Barry is... He's a sweet guy,

but he is a tornado of destruction.

The only friends he has are dead mice,

and that's 'cause they're the

only ones that can't get away from him.

You know what else mice can't do?

They can't lie.

Barry. Barry!

I'm gonna go to San Francisco tonight.

And... I'll come by

to pack around eight.

I think it's better if you're not there.

I never really knew

what Martha thought of me

until I heard her

talking behind my back.

You were lying to me the whole time.

You didn't like me.

"How do I get ahead in business?

How do I get ahead? Oh, I know...

I'll ind a great taxidermist

and I'll hit him with my car.

And then I'll invite him

to dinner. That'll do it."

Well, somebody forgot to tell you

there is no "me" in "mean."

Well, there is a bit of a happy ending.

'Cause the mean guy

finally got what he deserved.

World's smallest violin,

and it's playing just for you.

- Sorry.

- What?

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, OK. Whatever.

- Hello?

- Tim!

I heard you had an

interesting brunch this morning.

Sir, I can explain.

You might want to explain it

to Mn Mueller

You should have told me

Barry was your fool.

We have the

same game in Switzerland.

Dinner for Unterschlagen.

I am very much looking forward

to seeing the two of you

this evening, Mn Conrad

Where are you?

Dinners about to start.

There's been a complication.

Tim, for Christ sake,

we're running on fumes.

If we don't make this deal tonight,

there is no Fender Financial.

So, hurry up,

We gotta land Mueller tonight.

My guys a lock. You know what

I'm saying? Mueller's gonna love him.

Now, he might be a little late.

- He's on his way, but...

- Tim!

Sir, I've run into

a little bit of a problem.

Never mind that. You know,

ever since I invited you to this thing,

Caldwell's been

telling me I made a mistake.

He says you're not cut out for it.

- Really?

- Caldwell is full of sh*t.

Mueller told me your guy was good.

I had no idea he was this good.

Well, I try to look at the bright side.

You could say I'm an

eternal optometrist,

When life gives you lemons,

you make lemonade.

Unless you don't have

any water or sugar.

And then, then you just eat the lemons.

And the rind will give you diarrhea.

So, mama mia, papa pia,

baby got the diarr... Hey, Tim!

Mr. Conrad! You have

been missing all the fun.

Barry... you're here.

Yes, and I have been telling Sir

Lancelot that you deserve a promotion.

And he's been making

a pretty persuasive case, Tim.

Tim, I'd like to

introduce my friend, Lewis,

- and his wife, Diane.

- Your wife?

For now.

- Honey, please.

- Honey, please. You're so pathetic!

My God, it's raining men.

I don't know who's more gorgeous.

Well, beauty's only skin deep.

Unless there's something wrong

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