Dinner for Schmucks Page #8

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with your bone structure. And then...

...you could have flawless skin

and still be very ugly.

Because your bones are just... gross.

Lewis, Diane, there's someone

I'd like you to meet.

I think you're drunk.

Not drunk enough to do you.

Tim, when you said this was

a dinner for extraordinary people,

I had no idea. Look at that.

Are you hungry?

He hasn't eaten a lot today.

Come on.

Yes?

OK... her. You know what she does?

She communicates with dead pets.

Lorenzo's mother wants to talk to him.

Right? Nice?

OK, that guy? Right there?

I'm telling you,

these people are amazing.

- I am so not in their league.

- Barry, what are you...

- Why are you here?

- Because that's what friends do.

I know, I know.

You chose some words carelessly.

I know you are in a dark place,

but I also know

that you need to show your boss

that you are friends with a winner.

In my book, you're a winner, too.

Ladies and gentlemen! Dinner is served.

The eyes are but two of the Eve senses.

Remove them and the others

become incredibly sensitive.

But some people still ask:

How can a blind man compete

at the Olympic Games as fencer?

I will show you how.

Absolutely tremendous!

- All right!

- Are you enjoying this?

Yes. Such a pleasure to laugh

at the misfortune of others.

Are they cute when they're small,

or are they pretty much

horrible the whole time?

- Are you looking down my dress?

- No.

- Why not?

- I don't know.

- Tim, were you?

- No.

- Please don't embarrass me.

- I'm not doing... Oh, God.

- Here you go, sir.

- Here you are, ma'am. Bon appetit.

I am receiving a message

from the other side!

I'm trapped.

Where are they taking me?

- She's talking to the lobster.

- The water, it...

...boils!

Thai might win. Thai might win.

F*** it. I don't care.

So, Tim... I understand your guest

has an interesting hobby.

I guess I'm up. Wish me luck.

This is something that I call

the Tower of Dreamers.

A thousand years ago, the only

people on Earth were monkeys.

And they said,

"We'll never walk erectus.

We'll never use tools.

We'll never talk."

And then one monkey said: "Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm talking right now."

That monkey... was a dreamer.

- Mice dressed as monkeys.

- Yes-

- Good.

- Oh, my God.

Fast-forward 500 years.

The Wright Brothers decide

to make themselves a 'Hying machine.

"You fools! You idiots! What's

your problem?" everyone shouted.

"That will never work because

plywood weighs more than air!"

To which the Wright Brothers

responded:

"No, it doesn't."

The Wright Brothers were dreamers.

The Earl of Sandwich

and Sir Francis Bacon.

Had it not been for them, the BL would merely be lettuce and tomato.

They were dreamers.

And sandwich makers.

It's not over yet.

Vincent van Gogh.

Everyone told him,

"You only have one ear.

You cannot be a great artist."

And you know what he said?

"l can't hear you."

Vincent van Gogh was a dreamer.

- I love to paint.

- Really?

- I love to paint.

- Are you any good?

- I don't know.

- Of course not.

Louis Pasteur turned

cheese into medicine.

Benjamin Franklin.

People said,

"You can't fly a kite in a rainstorm."

And Ben Franklin said, "Yes, you can,

if you have an electric kite."

Little detail with the kite.

That's good, ja?

A man who broke more bones...

...than any man in history:

Eve! Knievel.

It's fantastic.

Well played, rookie. Well played.

And who might this

handsome young lad be?

Tim Conrad.

He believes that someday he

will marry the girl of his dreams,

even though every time

he asks, she says no.

And even though, as we speak,

she is probably having sex

with a handsome artist.

Tim Conrad... is a dreamer.

So dare to dream.

Dream your wildest dreams.

You can climb the highest mountain.

You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup

And if somebody tells you

that you can't do something,

you say, "Yes, I can.

'Cause I'm doing it right now!"

Bravo!

Bravo, Sir!

You must come to Switzerland.

You'll be the toast of Zurich!

I can't understand your accent!

- Caldwell. This guy's taking it.

- The night is young.

Gentlemen, ladies, I'd like to

introduce you to Mr. Therman Murch,

IRS auditor and master

of mind control.

Therman?

Sorry for my tardiness.

Mr. Murch came by

the office last night.

Shame to hear about that audit, Tim.

Anything I can do to help,

I'm here for you.

Barry, what are you doing here?

I dunno.

- You two know each other?

- Yes. We work together.

I'm gonna have to get

the address of that office.

So Therman was telling me about some

of his techniques for mind control,

and I gotta say,

I was pretty blown away.

Yes. The brain has pressure points,

just like any other muscle.

Apply those pressure points,

and the brain will

obey your every command.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Barry!

Barry.

Look into my eyes, Barry.

Barry!

Where is your wife, Barry?

Tell us. Where is she?

Come on, Barry, tell us.

- Your house?

- Yes.

Let me just get this straight, Barry.

Your wife left you for him?

She has extraordinary taste in men.

And, tell us, Barry...

why did your wife leave you?

- Spit it out of your mouth.

- No.

- Say it!

- No.

Say it, boy!

I lost her clitoris.

- That's right.

- You lost her clitoris?

She got mad because I couldn't End it.

- Well, you know.

- I said, "it's probably in your purse,"

because nine times out of ten

when she loses something,

that's where they end up.

Barry, do you even

know what that is?

I don't know what half

the stuff in her purse is.

Well, don't worry, Barry. I found it.

It was in her purse.

It was in her naughty purse.

Well, I mean, thank God

somebody found it, right?

I thought I found it under the couch.

Turns out it was just an

old piece of chewing gum.

I release you!

Ladies and gentlemen, mind control.

Bravo.

Bravo! Bravo!

That was sweet.

Barry, you're better than him.

Martha may not see it, but I do.

Thanks. Thank you, Tim.

You're a good friend.

- No, I'm not.

- Yeah, you are.

I'm not. Barry, this... Man, this...

This dinner isn't what you think it is.

What?

We invited you all here

to make fun of you.

So you invite a bunch of

incredibly talented people to dinner

- and you make fun of them?

- No. it's a dinner for idiots.

Well, you'd better go ind some idiots.

We do.

I'm sorry. I...

Really, I'm so sorry.

If its any consolation,

Therman will probably win first prize.

He'll have that, too.

And he'll be able to lord it

over me for the rest of my life.

Barry, Erst prize

is the biggest idiot.

I know. That guy beats me

at everything. He just...

I don't know, what's the use?

He has mind control, I don't.

Barry, look at me.

Therman has mind control, but you...

- ...you have brain control.

- Brain control? What,,,?

- You didn't know you had brain control?

- No.

I knew it the second that I met you.

You crawled in my brain,

and you stayed there.

- I did?

- You did.

And I can't get rid of you,

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