Dinner for Schmucks Page #9

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no matter how hard I try.

You burrowed your way into my brain,

through my ear, like an earwig!

- I didn't mean to.

- it's like you set up camp,

- and I can't get you out of my head!

- I'm an earwig?

Ifs like teeth and spikes and...

...all your... spilling out millions

of earwig eggs all in my brain!

- I can't do anything about it!

- Oh, my God!

Brain control beats mind control

any day of the week!

Because the brain

tells the mind what to do!

You can beat this guy.

You can beat this guy, Barry.

Barry, you can beat Therman.

"You may say I'm a dreamer..."

"But I'm not the only one..."

I'm going to go lay eggs in his brain.

- Back for more, Barry?

- Yes! I am, Therman.

Only this time, I brought

my secret weapon... my brain.

- What are you talking about?

- He's talking about brain control.

Brain control? There ain't

no such thing as brain control.

There is mind control.

Brain control is ridiculous.

That's ridiculous.

Yes, it's ridiculous.

- That's ridiculous.

- Barry.

Barry.

- Barry.

- Barry.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, my God.

- It works.

- How are you doing that?

I am making you say

everything that I say.

Yeah, but Im saying it first.

- Are you?

- Yes!

Really?

I am very, very powerful.

Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, thank you,

- You're welcome.

Oh, no!

Best dinner ever.

You have no secrets from me.

Oh, contrary. You have

no secrets from me, Therman.

I know that, after sex, you like

to curl up in the fecal position.

You cry like a little baby.

- Martha told you.

- No, she did not.

I know that you take a magic marker

and you draw a face on your penis.

Is that against the law?

I don't think so.

And you put a little hat on it,

and you call it Sammy.

Nobody is supposed to know that.

- And you sing to it.

- You keep your mouth shut!

That's... That's not 100 percent true.

I know everything!

I have laid eggs inside of your brain.

Get them out of my head!

You are no longer in control

of me! I control you!

And you are under my power.

I know everything, Therman.

And I release you.

Barry! Barry!

Yeah!

I hope that you have

all kept your receipts,

because you will all be audited.

He slept with Martha at my house!

I was under the bed

the whole time. What an idiot!

Right? I know!

We have a little tradition,

here, at this dinner.

We give an award to the evening's

most extraordinary person.

Tonight's winner is the most

extraordinary person I have ever met.

Our winner:

Barry!

Yeah!

- We did it!

- Congratulations.

Thank you.

I look forward to working

with you, Mr. Conrad.

Tim, Tim, you did it.

Your guy is amazing.

Mueller loves him.

He is amazing.

- I thought you did such a great job.

- You're the winner?

- I am, yeah!

- Whatever.

And he deserves a hell

of a lot better than this.

- They all do.

- What do you mean, exactly?

Any one of you would throw me

under the bus for a bigger bonus.

And Barry would throw himself

in front of a car to save a mouse...

...even though it was already dead.

I have been trying

to play on your team.

Barry doesn't deserve that trophy. I do.

Hold on a second.

Tim, I won this trophy fair and square.

Barry, you don't want that trophy.

- I've never won a trophy before.

-Yeah, I know, but...

- You know what? Keep the trophy.

- OK.

I'm sorry, What's going on here?

Well, these people invited us here

to make fun of us.

This is a contest for the biggest idiot.

Which I nailed!

Wait, wait, wait...

-You told him?

-I did.

It seems this contest was fixed.

I thought you conducted

yourselves honorably.

No, we do. We do.

We do. Tim had a very

bright future here,

but for some reason, he's chosen

to throw his lot in with the losers.

Excuse me? I think I must

not have heard correctly.

- Did he call us losers?

- He did.

You insult my honor at great risk.

I will be leaving.

Count yourself lucky

I have spared your life.

Yeah!

- Marco!

- Oh, God.

So it is a fight you want, is it? Well, you shall have your fight.

But on my terms.

In a world of complete darkness,

the sighted are blind...

...but the blind can see.

Oh, God.

Welcome... to my world.

I am invisible. Where am I?

- He's good.

- I am a shadow...

...with a big knife!

- Simmer down!

- I can smell your fear!

I think he's gonna kill someone.

Over here!

Hey, no! Not the boys!

This has become a fiasco!

Wait a second... the Swedish guy

who thinks he's a German!

He's an idiot, too! Mueller!

This is what you've

been up to all along!

NO! NO!

- You brought me hereto make fun!

- No...

I can assure you.

I am no Unterschlagen!

No, no! Lorenzo, no!

- Somebody, grab the bird!

- I got it...

No, no, no!

It is my wife's favorite finger!

Please get it back now!

Williams, get the bird!

Somebody kill the bird!

- They're going to kill my bird!

- It's not his time!

- It's over there!

- Don't hurt him!

- Get the bird!

- Parry right, thrust left!

You want the bird?

You have to kill me first!

Fight like a blind man!

Kick him in the business center!

Right here.

- There's a Ere!

- Oh, come on!

Grab the vulture!

Somebody, just let the bird out!

Please! Just let him out!

- Wait, I have an idea.

- Let Lorenzo out!

You, stop! Don't move

or I'm gonna kill you.

Allow me.

There it is!

Nice!

Wanna?

Great dinner!

Let's go get Julie!

Mein finger!

Don't you die on me!

- Juiiel Julie?

- Julie?

Julie?

Tim.

There's a way to read that

that's actually positive.

How? How is that positive, Barry?

"Tim, have a ni..."

"Hey, Tim, ha..."

"Have a nice life."

- This is my fault, isn't it?

- It's not. it's my fault.

I'm the reason this happened. Not you.

I messed up.

Want to hear something pathetic?

God, yeah.

You know why I wanted that promotion?

So that Julie would think

that I was good enough for her.

So stupid. I couldn't

believe that someone so amazing

would want anything to do

with me. I tried to impress her...

...with stuff she doesn't

care about, I don't care about.

You know what I care about? Her.

And what else?

Waking up next to her every day,

seeing her every day.

And more things?

She's the greatest thing in my life,

and I blew it. God, I'm an idiot.

What are you doing?

Did you know I was listening?

- No.

- I did. I did.

I... I thought you'd gone.

I left my phone.

- Julie... I'm...

- Julie?

We should hurry if we're

gonna catch that plane.

- Kieran...

- Julie, I will handle this.

Kieran... since the dawn

of ancient times,

men and women have striven

to End the perfect mate.

And, once in a while,

a couple will meet

and spark a passion

that is so powerful,

a thousand armies

could not pull them apart.

That is what you have with Julie.

But Tim got there first.

And if Julie leaves, ii will kill him.

People can die of broken hearts.

I know. It almost happened to me.

And because of that...

you may see Julie no more.

You may talk to Julie no more.

You may look upon

Julie's face... no more.

OK, but we work together, so...

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