Dirty 30 Page #3

in your front pocket.

- Oh, they're my spare pair.

Okay.

We are starting off

fixing a snapped wire

on a permanent retainer,

then there's an extraction

of Kelly Grossman's back molar.

I know.

Two braces checkups

and retainer fitting finale.

What?

You look like the Grinch.

What?

- Dan is our first client.

- And?

- Well, he's cute.

I think you should invite him

to your party.

- I can't invite a patient

to my party.

- Why not?

- Uh, because one of us has to

keep a level of professionalism

around here.

- Oh, come on.

It's one pair of panties.

These are not my panties.

- So, Dan, are you

still a little nervous

when it comes to

the dental stuff?

- Oh, no.

I think you're confusing me

with somebody else.

- Okay, well, I'm gonna need

my arm back to work.

- Oh.

- It's okay.

- Okay, Dan.

So it says here

that we are giving you

a new front grille that says

"ass" and "shaker."

- Oh, no.

I, uh...

- I'm just kidding.

I'm fixing the wire

on that broken retainer.

- Right.

- Relax.

- All right, I've got good news

and bad news for you.

The good news is that

this is not gonna hurt at all,

so you don't even need

an anesthetic,

but the bad news is that

Jules has no medical moral code,

so she's gonna let me

gas you up.

- Yeah, let's party.

- All right.

Take a deep breath.

Good.

Thank you.

Yeah, I don't know why I got

so nervous there.

I mean, normally

I'm extremely macho and tough.

- Mm.

No, but seriously.

I'm not even afraid of spiders.

- Hm.

Wow.

- I mean, snakes, however,

they can suck a duck.

- I'm sorry,

that was not very chivalrous.

Chivalrous.

That's a funny word.

Chivalrous.

- Maybe I should use

that nitrous as my plus one

to your birthday.

- I don't know.

I heard he's pretty gassy.

- Oh, you found your audience.

- It's your birthday?

Happy birthday!

- Thank you.

- Oh, you should come

to her birthday tomorrow.

- Oh, I would love to!

Wait, how do I get there?

- Do you have a car?

- I do!

I can drive there.

- You are a drug dealer.

- Yeah, I know.

Gassy.

- Evie, let's go!

You can put your face on

in the car.

- Oh.

Sorry, guys.

It's work drama.

Hey, Linda.

Just about to roll out for

the weekend with the family.

What's up?

Whoa, Linda, I can't understand

you when you're talking so fast.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

He's gonna be okay, right?

What do you mean

you can't find him?

- Oh, I get it.

We're lying.

- Yes!

Of course!

I will be right there.

Yes, I will be there in person.

- Yeah, big old lie.

Cool.

Sounds fun.

- Okay.

Oh, my god.

I'm... I'm so sorry, you guys.

I can't go.

Elliot is missing.

- Who's Elliot?

- He's the face

of the alopecia campaign.

- So he's a llama?

- No, Todd, he's an alpaca.

Look, I am so sorry.

I was really looking forward

to going cross-country skiing

with the skis and the knees.

- It's okay, honey.

I'll just cancel

the private lesson

I set up for you

with the bronze medalist.

Let me just make sure I can

cancel his flight from Norway.

Airlines are so great

to deal with.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I just had the sense

that she would...

- are you seriously

not gonna come?

- Work needs me.

- What?

What is that?

- It's just I want a wife

who will celebrate my victories

with me, but instead I have one

who's running all over town

looking for a loose llama.

- Alpaca.

- Sh-paca.

Just give me a kiss

so my parents don't think

that we're fighting.

Behave yourself.

No, no, no, no.

Those jell-o shots,

they go in the kitchen.

And the kegs,

they go in the man cave.

And that... that liquor luge,

just wherever it fits!

- Hi.

- Oh.

Hello.

Are you selling

girl scout cookies?

- No, I bring in the mail

for the Jones

when they're out of town, so...

- Oh, cool.

Cool.

Well, I'm their son's wife,

Evie.

Nice to meet you.

I'm gonna be staying here

this weekend.

- Cool.

- Yeah, just throwing a little

get together for a friend.

30-year-old birthday party.

You wouldn't know anything

about that, right?

You're what, college?

- High... high school.

- High school.

High school.

- High school.

- Mm-hmm.

Cool.

Well, it's very low-key.

You know, small.

Nothing that the Jones

would need to know

or be worried about, so...

- Cool.

- Okay, you can invite

two friends

if you don't say anything

about it.

- I don't know

if I'd have two friends...

- five.

Five friends, but that's it.

And it doesn't leave this house.

You got it?

- What just happened?

- Exactly.

Yes.

- Do you still want me to...

- yes, thank you.

Right there is great.

And can I get six jell-o shots

upstairs please?

Just orange.

- I stayed up all night

doing these.

- Yeah, I know.

That's why I'm paying you

time and a half.

- Rufus, what the hell?

- "Partee tyme."

- I'm, like, 70% sure that's not

how you spell "party" or "time."

- Okay, I just thought, like,

"hey, who wants to wear a shirt

that's spelled correctly,"

you know?

We live in the digital age.

Spelling is, like, subjective.

You know?

Okay, I did these last night

after a guidance counselors

show.

I was super drunk.

- Dude, can't keep messing up

like this.

I mean, remember last week

with the all saints softball

shirts you ruined?

I changed my band name

to the all taints.

We sold out!

- I know, it's an awesome shirt,

but that's not the point.

You know, this business,

this is my passion.

I just need to know that, like,

you're in my corner.

- I am in your corner.

Any corner.

Pick a corner.

I'm in that corner.

- It's in three hours!

Are you kidding me?

Ugh, fine.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

I know that Kate

wanted some classy stuff,

so I ordered one of those naked

Sushi girls for the party.

- I'm still waiting

on the classy part.

- But she canceled just now.

Ah.

Hi.

- Hey, lady.

I'm headed your way.

- On your way?

It's, like, 6:
00.

What are you, in seventh grade?

- Well, I don't know.

I thought I could help.

- What?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We have everything

under control.

- Okay, well, I'm gonna grab

a coffee.

Do you want me

to pick anything up?

- I don't know.

Milk?

- You didn't get milk

for my white Russian?

- I forgot to put that

on the catering list.

- Caterers?

Evie, this is supposed

to be small.

- It's gonna be!

Very small.

Small food, small drinks,

small caterers.

This party is gonna be so small

that you'll hardly see it.

- Okay, well, I'm headed over.

- Great!

Okay, people, double time!

Red eagle lands in one hour!

- Looking good, ash.

- Hey.

Could you get me something

to eat?

- Yeah, of course.

What do you want?

- Great.

Let me get a cup of coffee

and then barbecue lay's,

and then, like, a apple,

and then something savory,

but you can choose.

- Anything else?

- Two crullers,

a pack of cigars,

maybe, like, a king size

whatchamacallit bar,

some gummy bears, and then...

Get yourself something.

That's stupid.

Oh, my god.

It's actually happening!

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