Dirty 30 Page #4

- What's happening?

Hey, what the heck are you doing

with a picture of my girlfriend

on your computer?

- Mom!

- Oh, widdle baby

wants to talk to his mom.

Tough luck 'cause she just left

to buy me some more

push-up pops.

What is the deal

with this party?

My invite must've got lost

in the mail.

- It's an email, so...

- I don't think mom

would approve of you

going to a party with alcohol,

would she?

Unless, of course, you brought

your big brother as a chaperone.

- Fine.

- Perfect.

Pick me up at 8:
00?

Great.

- You... you live here.

- All right, you just keep

doing that, buddy.

- Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Yo, kiss me back.

Kiss me back.

- There she is!

The birthday girl!

Give me your purse.

- Hi!

Um, Evie, I think I said

small and tasteful.

- Kate, small and tasteful is

how you describe an Olsen twin,

not an awesome

b-day blowout bash.

- Who are all these people?

- Oh, my god, Rufus.

The sign too?

- What is happening,

you crazy idiots?

Next song, "pumpkin goats"!

- Okay, so I tried to get you

one of those naked girls

that's covered in sashimi,

but she canceled!

- Thank god.

- So I improvised!

- A crotch covered

in mini pizzas.

You shouldn't have, Evie.

- She really shouldn't have.

- Here we have Rufus wearing

the season's hottest snacks.

Perfect for an Autumn wedding

or to stuff our faces with later

when we're drunk.

- Did you get in trouble

at the shop again?

- It was worth it.

Happy birthday.

- Thank you!

- Oh, let me show you

the kitchen!

- Okay.

Bye.

Excuse me.

- Do you have any Rihanna?

- No!

- Beyonc?

- No!

Baha men?

- Oh, "who let the dogs out"!

No!

No, no.

I hold them in the kennel

and then I play beats!

- And the kitchen!

- Oh, wow.

What's going on here?

- Take that cake!

- It's funnel caking.

You funnel a beer

and then you eat cake.

Kate, you got to get out more.

- Apparently.

- Happy birthday, Kate!

- Oh, hey, Claire!

- In honor of me finally

not being the only one

in the 30s club,

I'd like to propose a toast.

To Evie for organizing

one hell of a party.

- Thank you.

I did.

- And to Charlie

for having friends

that I don't have to pretend

to like.

- Yep.

- And to Kate.

- Well, thank you.

Cheers!

- Cheers!

- Down the hatch.

- Ah!

- Whoo!

- Okay, now let's go see who

can funnel a cake the fastest.

- After Kate goes first!

- I'm terrified.

- Yes!

- Great!

- When aren't you?

Let's go!

Peer pressure.

Peer pressure!

- Pace yourself, show off.

I know you're excited,

but I don't want

competitive Charlie coming out.

Whenever she shows up, it always

means a horrible night for me.

- I am pacing myself.

- Promise?

- Yeah.

Whoa!

You wore it?

- Oh, relax.

No one's gonna notice it.

I couldn't bring myself

to take it off.

This thing is amazing.

- I know.

It is amazing.

- Can we afford it?

- Hmm?

- What, financially?

No.

But we can afford to be happy.

No?

Okay.

Could you go check

on Rufus for me?

- Oh, sure.

He might be cold.

- Yeah.

- You chill with your friends.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Bye.

- Oh.

Hide it!

- Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate!

Whoo!

Yeah!

- Oh.

- Oh, my god!

- That is terrible.

- Okay, you guys,

remember how we were reminiscing

about the glory days?

- Hold on.

When were our glory days?

- High school.

- Okay, if high school

were our glory days,

just take me out back

and do an old yeller.

- Very cute.

No, I thought it would be really

fun to invite some of the people

that we went to high school

with tonight.

So I got a yes

from Leslie marks...

- Oh.

- And from Kelly Evans,

and I got a maybe from...

Are you ready for this?

Ben Jenkins.

- Ben Jenkins?

Why would you invite an ex

from high school?

- What?

We're all adults.

Get real.

Look, I just think

it's really fun

to see some of the people

from our past,

something I hope that you...

- What?

- Guess who.

- Um... someone who recently

ate ham?

- Ah!

- Oh!

Jesus.

Peter Finch!

Look at you.

- Yeah, Evie found me

on Facebook.

Made sure I got an invite.

- Thanks, Evie.

- You're welcome.

- So, uh, what have you been

up to the past decade?

- All sorts of different stuff.

Watching football,

fantasy football,

been coaching some football

over in Jefferson county,

but I just moved back because...

Hold onto your panties...

I'm the new sports director

at Lincoln high!

Thank you for the warning.

My panties could've been all...

- Did she just skeet shoot

her panties?

- I did indeed.

- Straight up.

You were always so smart.

I'm sure you're doing all sorts

of cool things with your life.

- Um, you know,

lots of cool things.

Keeping really busy.

- Hey, I got a quick question

about that sports director

thing.

Um, who makes the uniforms

for Lincoln high?

Uhh...

I think that's

Eastside trophy & print.

- Got it.

- Straight up, Kate,

you look fine.

You haven't changed a bit

since high school.

- Thank you.

Peter...

You look good too.

- Hell yeah.

- Okay, I'm gonna go clean up

the funnel cake mess, so...

- Yeah, go do that.

- So glad you're here!

It's so good to see you!

- Peace, girl.

- So, I'm...

- straight up.

Evie?

You look fine.

You haven't changed a bit

since high school.

Did you go to Lincoln high?

- Yeah, I was a grade under you.

- I don't think so.

I'd remember

if you were ever under me.

- Okay.

I'm gonna go get Kate

some new panties.

- Yeah, sounds good.

- Peace, girl.

- Straight up.

- Panties.

- Hell yeah.

- Hey, buddy.

- Hi.

What you doing?

Sitting here all by yourself

being overly dramatic?

Just waiting for us

to come find you?

- Took you ten minutes.

New record, slowpokes.

- Yikes.

Sorry.

She mad.

- No!

I'm not mad.

I swear, I'm not mad.

Even though this is exactly

what I did not ask for.

- That is debatable.

- But really...

And I can't believe

I'm about to say this

to you guys...

I can't stop thinking about

that letter.

- Oh, my god.

- Not one thing

on that damn letter came true.

- Uh?

- Except for this party.

- Yes, thank you.

And, okay, who cares about

that stupid letter?

I'm pretty sure that mine said

I was gonna marry

Justin Timberlake

and be Oscar nominated by now.

Do you see me practicing

my acceptance speech?

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Like, all the time.

Like, in the car.

When you're hanging out.

When you think you're alone

for even a second.

- Great.

Good.

It's a great speech.

- Okay, I'm bringing this

back to me for a sec.

- Mm-hmm.

- I don't know.

That letter was just, like,

"hey, Kate!

"Your job is super lame and your

fun is just organized clubs,

"and one day you're gonna

get happy hour

"with your two best friends

"and your two friends

are gonna order club soda

"and you're gonna realize

they're pregnant,

"and they're gonna have kids

and they're not gonna have time

"for taco Tuesday,

and you're just gonna be this,

"like, weird, sad, lonely,

cat-lady aunt

that sends them over-sexualized

birthday cards."

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