Dirty 30 Page #6

would have such a Rager.

- So what do you do?

Are you, like,

a lumberjack or something?

- Was that a flannel joke?

You know, flannels are in.

- Apparently.

- I wish I did something

as manly as lumberjacking.

I'm in website design.

- Oh, cool.

So you're a nerd.

- Um...

Uh, so how does one fall into...

- the glamorous life

of an orthodontist assistant?

Well, first, you get made fun of

for your braces in high school.

- Oh, I had to wear an eye patch

in kindergarten

to correct a lazy eye.

In reality,

I looked like a pirate

and everybody in my class

thought it was awesome.

- Cool brag, I guess.

- Yeah, I don't know why

I shared that.

I think I was trying to relate.

- Um, no, so I actually went

to school, dental school,

to be an orthodontist,

but I don't know.

I just freaked out when they

wanted me to pull a tooth.

It's really scary.

Gave me the heebie-jeebies.

- The heebie-jeebies?

Ma'am, is this

your 90th birthday?

- Okay, how dare you.

The heebie-jeebies is a thing.

People say that I think.

- No, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't make fun

of somebody who knows

I wear an adult retainer.

You have the power.

- Cannot wait to abuse it.

- Well, I cannot wait

to be abused.

- Okay, what are we

even talking about?

- Push up! Push up!

Push up!

- What did we miss?

- Competitive Charlie is back

and she's out of control.

- Really?

Claire, this is Dan.

Dan, Claire.

- I am responsible

for all of that.

- Whoo!

All right, all right.

Round three will commence

in this room in 15 minutes.

- Okay.

- What happened

to our pinky promise?

- Oh, Claire bear,

everything is under control.

- Hey, Charlie,

do you want me to leave the ice

in the kiddie pool or unload it

for the sumo challenge?

- Leave it in the kiddie pool.

Just trust me.

- Take it easy.

I don't want to be a widow

before we even get married.

- Oh, but you look so good

in black.

- Yeah.

- Ready to go?

- Can I play?

- Yeah, yeah.

Totally, totally.

- Yeah?

- Uh, where's Derrick?

- Uh, having a pissing contest.

- Is he still trying to

out push up that short lady?

- No, he's literally outside

having a pissing contest

with his friends.

- Oh, wow.

- Yeah.

- Um, do you know how to play?

- Yeah.

Um...

Uh...

So the horse can, like,

gallop to the other side, right?

Like boom.

- Not... not traditionally.

I mean, we can... we can play by

different rules or something.

There's other forms of chess,

I think, so...

Just...

- I was...

I...

Totally kidding.

Just kidding.

- Oh.

Wow.

- Check mate.

- And now I have eight cats.

- Seriously?

- No!

- Kate!

Kate, you have to come see this.

We started doing body shots,

and this one girl's belly button

can hold, like, eight ounces.

- That is gross.

- I know.

- Uh, Evie, this is Dan.

Dan, Evie.

She threw me the birthday party.

- Congrats.

- Thank you.

- This is just like

parties in high school.

- Thank you.

- Or at least

how I imagined them to be

as I sat at home

and played "Oregon trail."

Yes.

Alerting children

of the dangers of dysentery.

- I was more of a typhoid guy

myself.

- You know what?

I can see that about you.

- Whoa.

Major flirt alert.

Don't want to get hurt.

- Uh...

- Eject.

- You know, I'm gonna go take

that body shot.

Do you want to watch

this disaster?

- I'm good.

Body shots give me

the heebie-jeebies.

- See what you did there.

You're clever.

- Well, it was for your benefit.

- Something got you down,

sad clown?

- Look at that.

My girlfriend flirting with some

other guy right in front of me.

She bossed me then tossed me.

- Shocking.

The guy in all black

is depressed about something.

- Ha-ha.

That's hilarious.

- Lucky for you,

clichs are one of my things.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!

Kate! Kate! Kate!

- And now I'm gonna go

brush my teeth.

- Yeah!

- No offense.

I'm sorry, were you wearing wool

earlier today?

- Totally.

- Okay, me next!

Me next!

- Ah, I'll take this one.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the one

that got away.

The Sandra Dee to my Danny Zuko.

- Well, I'll be damned.

Ben Jenkins.

Mm!

It's good.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

So look at you.

You haven't aged a bit.

- Same for you,

except you are super ripped now.

- I'm just trying

to make an ex jealous.

- An ex?

Oh.

Bravo.

- So where have you been hiding

these days?

I don't know.

I'm here and there and, um...

Just give me a second, Ben.

Don't leave.

- You are like a girl.

You're so pretty.

- Hi!

How are you?

Great.

You know what?

I don't remember

inviting you, Ashley.

- Oh, that's funny.

I don't remember the fountain

being full of puke

when I sold this house

to frank and Nancy.

You know what?

Let me just text Nancy really

quick to see if...

- you know what?

Please, come in.

Make yourself at home.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ooh, jell-o shots.

All right.

You know, I am starving.

Mm.

- It is.

- That is awesome.

- How's it going?

- Excuse me.

- How you doing?

- Hey, girls!

- Hey, Kate!

Hey, come here for one second.

Just one quick second.

- Is everything okay?

- I am calling

an official meeting.

- Are we the baby-sitters club

now?

- No.

Oh, but if we were,

I would totally be

Caucasian Claudia Kishi.

- You know, I see you

as more of a dawn.

- Okay, guys.

Hey, sorry.

Can we move this on?

I'm, like, really in the middle

of something.

- Okay, um, Ashley's here.

Both:
Ashley Driscoll?

- Yeah, and I asked her to

leave, but apparently she knows

Todd's parents, and...

But then I thought about

your letter and the p.S.

This is a perfect opportunity

to cross something off

of that stupid letter.

- Yeah, we could make her

eat sh*t.

- Actually,

I'm not really thinking about

the letter anymore, guys.

- What do you mean you're not

really thinking about

the letter anymore?

Like, two hours ago

you were gonna have that letter

tattooed on your thigh.

Ooh, by the way, if anyone wants

to get tattoos tonight,

I am so game!

- No. You know that guy Dan

I was talking to?

- Yeah, the guy in the flannel?

- I think I like him.

He's cute, right?

- Yeah.

- I would let him wear me

like a bonnet.

- I like a boy.

And the best part is I think

he likes me too.

- That's even better, really.

- I'm having fun tonight.

- You should be!

- Can you guys guess

what I'm doing?

- I have no idea.

- I'm Kate

climbing out of her rut.

- Yeah, but see,

that's also how you dance.

That's why it's confusing.

- Oh, we should do shots

to celebrate.

- I will rain check because

I'm gonna pace myself tonight.

Gonna see how things go

with Dan.

- Hey, uh, do you guys know

the birthday girl, Kate?

- Of course.

What, do you think we were,

like, just riding by

on our razor scooters

and were like,

"hey, there's a party,

let's go in there"?

- Yeah, and then we accidentally

ate some Mediterranean

eggplant dip that had acid in it

so now we feel trapped here?

- Okay.

Well,

when she comes back down here,

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