Dirty 30 Page #8

- Excuse me, I'm a grown woman.

I'm not here to take insults

from, like,

a 17-year-old high schooler.

- Okay, first of all, I'm 191/2,

and second of all, good for you.

I thought you were, like, some

loser freshman I didn't know.

Anyways, have you seen that

brunette hot girl

you were hanging out with?

She was... she was super hot.

- I think you mean

my girlfriend?

- Wait, that's your girlfriend?

- Yeah.

- Oh, wow, because if I had

one hour with her...

No, no, not even.

If I had just, like, ten minutes

with her, I'd be like,

"ooh, girl, you so naughty."

And I'd be like,

"ooh, what's up, Mam?"

And then I'd be like,

"mm, Mam, mm.

Give it to me.

Give it to me."

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were a Falafel.

- What is going on?

- Oh, you're so dead, dude.

Oh, my god.

I just hit a kid.

- He's 191/2, remember?

- I just knocked out a teenager.

- Okay, that's it!

That's it!

Cut the music!

Cut the music!

I need all of the children

to leave this party!

Do you hear me?

If you're in high school

and/or too young

to know who vanilla ice is,

you have 30 seconds

to get out of this party!

My carpet!

Who did this?

- This has Ashley Driscoll's

name written all over it.

- I don't think we can just

assume that Ashley did it.

- No, literally.

It says so right here

on the coozy.

- You know what?

Ashley Driscoll can eat sh*t.

- Homeless or hipster?

- What?

- I said homeless or hipster?

- Oh.

Yeah, totally hipster.

You know, I think he's in that

band the guidance counselors.

- Mm.

Thank you.

- You know, you guys, I'm so

glad we splurged on two-ply.

- I am having the best time

while simultaneously

feeling pretty bad

about being so wasteful.

- This is so cathartic.

- Yeah.

We're queens of the night!

- Screw you, Ashley Driscoll!

- I hate my husband!

- Whoa, dude.

- That's a little dramatic,

Evie,

even for you.

- It's true.

I hate him.

I hate his clothes.

I hate his narcissism.

I hate his family.

Oh, my god!

His family.

I don't want to go

cross-country skiing.

What I do want is a divorce.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yes!

- Well, thank god

'cause we think he sucks.

- Yeah, it's, like,

the only thing we talk about

behind your back.

- Really?

- Yeah!

- He's the worst!

- Oh, my god!

- Oh, my god.

- Wait, you guys.

As long as we're

putting it out there,

I got something I need

to say too.

- Okay.

- I'm gay.

- I hate you.

- You're the worst.

- I hate you.

- What?

You guys just always guessed.

- Come in.

- It's kind of hard making it

up those stairs

with my eyes closed, obviously.

Can I open them?

- Open them, sad clown.

Holy crap.

- I want to bathe you.

- You're the strangest woman

I've ever met.

I think I love you.

Is that okay?

- Holy crap!

Okay, let me just...

God dang it.

The thing is with... these boots

are very difficult to take off.

Goth lifestyle is worth it

for the fashion,

but it's definitely

time consuming.

Crap!

Come on!

Come on!

Get off!

God, it's like a snow boot.

Jesus Christ!

God damn it!

It's just, like,

the force doesn't work

'cause then it chokes me.

I'll leave it on.

I'll leave it on.

Stay right there,

you sweet ViXen.

- Just drop it off.

- God damn it.

I'm sorry.

Get it off!

Come on!

Jesus!

Oh, god.

- Hurry up.

- Oh, yeah!

Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Didn't take in the choker

into account.

Denise is not gonna be pleased

if this gets scratched.

- Who's Denise?

- Denise works at hot topic

in the mall.

Right next to the, uh...

Do you know Denise?

- Hey, Kate!

Are you ready for your birthday

baby dance?

- Please do not do that.

I'm gonna pee my pants.

I have to pee so bad.

- Just do it!

- What, just pee in the yard?

- Yeah, dude!

Why not?

- Okay.

Yeah.

I'm gonna... I'm just gonna go.

- Is, uh, your house

the white one with the columns?

- Mm-hmm.

- With the round hedges

and the maple trees?

- Mm-hmm.

- That are currently covered

in toilet paper?

- Mm-hmm.

What the what?

- I'm doing it!

- Wow!

- I'm peeing.

And I am really hydrated.

Good for me.

Hi.

- Hey!

You little b*tches get

yoursel... oh, my god.

It's turtle head and theaturd.

- Okay, you can't talk to them

like that, Ashley.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Who's gonna stop me?

- Me.

Kate.

Braceface.

Braceface?

So what is up, ladies?

Oh, is this some sad little

revenge plan that I ruined?

Oh, you must feel like such a...

- oh, no!

- Oh, my god.

She just ate sh*t.

- Is she dead?

- We got to hide the body.

- Good-bye, bench girl.

Oh, god!

- Oh, that is bad!

That is really bad.

- Is it bad?

- Oh, mm.

Yep.

Your left lateral

incisor's completely cracked.

- Is that bad?

- Well, it's irreparable damage,

which means immediate

tooth extraction.

- Ew, what does that mean?

- It means this sucker's coming

out right now.

What?

- She said that she needs

to pull your tooth out!

Do you understand?

- Yes, theaturd!

I'm not having a stroke!

- Okay, we'll talk about

the nickname later.

- Okay, um, I need

some gauze or, like,

grab some toilet paper,

and I need some pliers.

- Oh, there might be a toolkit

in the trunk.

- You know what?

You're a toolkit in the trunk,

Dan.

- What?

- Actually, yes, please.

Can you go look?

That'd be great.

Thank you.

- Okay.

- Hurry!

And I need the vodka.

- Why?

- 'Cause I need the vodka.

- Okay.

- Please!

- Here.

- Thank you.

Oh.

- Oh, my god.

- Yeah.

- Oh!

Awesome!

Yes!

Yes!

- Oh, my god, my teeth...

So much.

- All right.

Let's do this.

- Wait!

Do you know what you're doing?

- I sure hope so.

I did it!

- I did it!

I did it!

Whoa!

I didn't do it.

- Freeze!

Step away from the Asian girl!

Dispatch, I think we have

a hate crime in progress.

My sister, are you okay?

- Thanks so much for the ride.

- No problem.

Thanks so much for

kicking my ass in chess.

You're really good.

- Yeah, right.

Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

- I hope you don't take it

the wrong way, but...

Why do you go out with Derrick?

Sorry.

I shouldn't have said anything.

- No.

No, I ask myself that question

all the time.

I don't know.

He's the quarterback.

I'm the cheerleader.

It's what nature wants.

But I get what you're saying.

I shouldn't be dating someone

that I don't

really connect with.

- Um...

He... he's probably wondering

where you are.

I don't know if you want

to go in,

give him a call or something.

Maybe that would, you know...

- I love this song.

- Do you guys have anyone

I can call for you?

A lawyer?

Anything?

- Okay, don't pretend

to be a nice guy, Dan.

Yeah, we had a connection,

and yeah,

it's probably the liquor talking

that's making me say this,

but we probably could've been

something, and you blew it!

- You blew it!

- But...

- yeah, you blew it!

- Hi.

- Yeah, you totally blew it.

- Oh, um, hey, you...

You work for Charlie, right?

Where can I find her girlfriend?

- Uh, Claire left.

- What?

- Yeah, she wasn't too stoked

about Charlie hulking out

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