Dirty Tricks Page #6

375 to find him.

Total -- 775.

I'll put her on the 9:15

from Oxford this Saturday.

She'll think

she's getting off at Banbury.

What she will not know

is that she's on a train

that doesn't stop at Banbury.

In fact, to use a phrase

you will remember

from our work on idioms,

I'm sending her to Coventry.

We don't speak to her, right'?

In this case it is

to be interpreted literally.

Clive then gets to meet me

at Banbury instead of my wife.

Then you pop up,

we take him somewhere,

and, um, bzzt!

Have you got all the equipment?

I get it Homebase.

No problem.

[Clock chiming]

[Sighs]

I'm gonna have a shower.

Nice idea.

Keep yourself fresh for Mum.

I don't know why you're so keen

on running me to the station

in the morning.

Darling, it's no trouble.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Door closes]

Alison.

Hi, it's me.

- ALISON:
How are you?

- Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Look, I wondered if we could

possibly meet

for lunch tomorrow.

- Say 1:
15 at Greens?

- That'd be lovely.

- You could?

- Yes.

Oh, that's so marvelous.

I've got something

rather important to tell you.

- Have you?

'Okay'? So, bye.

Who was that?

Oh, n-no one.

Just someone from work.

What work?

960 005.

Oh, I wonder who that can be.

Why don't you dial it and see'?

It's Alison Kraemer's number.

ALISON:
Hello?

- Do you have much to say to her'?

- ALISON:
Hello?

Obviously not.

You don't have a lot in common,

do you?

Shall we go out to dinner,

darling?

[ Door closes]

[Mid-tempo Indian music

playing ]

Why do you deny it'?

Deny what?

You're having

an affair with her.

I'm doing no such thing.

Your sort of person, isn't she'?

Top drawer, isn't she'?

Listen, my father

was a clerk in a bank.

I went to the local comp.

I'm one step away

from the gutter,

and don't you forget it.

You might drive around in that

car all day, but it was Denny's.

And now it's mine.

And you don't get your hands

on it unless I die.

Maybe that's what you want.

Maybe you want to see me dead.

You won't kill me.

Because people would

ask questions, wouldn't they?

After what happened

to poor Denny, wouldn't they?

And if we separate,

I'll make sure you get nothing.

You brought nothing

to this marriage

but the clothes you stood up in,

and that's what

you'll Walk away with.

Why are you so keen

to hang on to me'?

Is it something to do with

having a father for your child?

What's that supposed to mean'?

Let's go home.

What is that supposed to mean'?!

Never mind

about wanting to kill Karen --

It was important I didn't even

lay a finger on her.

I had to remain calm.

AH I wanted was to walk away

from our marriage

with a share of the proceeds.

A piece of the family home.

Like any other

self-respecting sex object.

She'll never accept you anyway.

Who Won't'?

Your friend Alison Kraemer.

God, I do wish you'd stop this.

You just can't bear

being caught out, can you?

You always have to look good,

don't you?

You always have to be

the coolest person in the room,

don't you?

Well, there isn't a lot of

competition for the role

in the circles in which we move.

There's not a whole lot of

competition for the role

in the circles

in which we move.

I don't know why you're being

so bloody self-righteous

after what

you've been getting up to

with that horrid little creep.

- What do you mean by that?

- You know exactly what I mean.

- I do not.

- Clive Phillips.

What?

Don't pretend you don't know

what I'm talking about.

Clive Phillips.

My ex-boss.

One of the horrible little

mercenary thugs

who seem to have taken over

this country while I was abroad.

How did you know'?

He told me.

He always enjoyed

making my life a misery.

He usually succeeds.

It was only once or twice.

Well, you've been so cold

and distant.

I felt you didn't love me.

- I just...

- You just what?

-It was just sex!

- Oh!

Oh, and you're the World's great

expert on that, aren't you?

Oh, please don't be cruel.

I only...

I had a thing with him before

when Denny --

If this is all as casual as

you're trying to make it sound,

why on earth were you going

to Wales with him'?

Well, I was gonna tell him

it was over.

I wanted to be careful about it.

Clive can't accept the fact

that I don't love him.

Well, I didn't know

what he was gonna do

when I told him

I was carrying your child.

You're not.

You horrible bastard!

Karen, the only bastard 'round

here is the one in your womb.

You Pig!

Aren't you gonna hit back?!

- No.

- Why?!

I don't want to rub up

the divorce court judge

the wrong way.

I imagine he'll be on my side

after the paternity test.

What?

Do you know

what a vasectomy is, Karen'?

A snip job.

I've had one.

That baby is Clive's.

Is he good with children?

[ Crying 1

I'll run you to your train

in the morning.

Some of these hotels

can hold you to your booking

if you've done it

with a credit card.

We don't want to waste money,

do we'?

Not with a kiddie on the way.

Karen'?

Oh, God.

What was it'?

Too much Beaujolais-Villages,

Or did that sofa

finally get the better of you?

Mm'?

Come on, Karen.

Stop messing around.

We have to be adult about this.

Karen.

Will you wake up'?

Oh, Christ.

Oh, you can't be dead.

Oh, don't be dead.

Oh.

Oh, this is very inconvenient.

[Tone beeping]

Oh, sh*t!

[ Beep ]

Hi.

Clive Phillips here.

I'm out making lots of money

and having lots of sex.

If any of you

less-fortunate people

want to leave a message,

do so after the tone --

if you think it'll do you

any good.

[ Beep ]

KAREN:
[Crying ] Clive, why did

you tell him about us'?

You don't know

what he's like, Clive.

W-When he's angry,

he goes all cold.

I'm frightened of him, Clive.

I'm all alone here

in the house with him,

and I'm frightened

of what he might do.

- Aah!

"[ Thud ]

Aah!

And that, m'lud, concludes

the case for the prosecution.

Can I help you?

Chief Inspector Moss

from Oxford Police Station, sir.

You ever come to my country

my friend, and I find you,

I kill you.

Is everything all right'?

It's -- It's fine.

It's fine.

- Wow. You look fantastic.

- Thanks.

It was something about the

police making mistakes again.

So after you saw your wife off

on the train,

how did you spend

the rest of the day'?

You're obviously

frightfully good at lying.

You can tell by the way

your eyes always slide about.

You're priceless, Rebecca.

Priceless.

EDWARD:
Two years ago,

a penniless

language-school teacher,

I was invited to dinner

by Dennis and Karen Parsons.

But as I said earlier,

"What the hell,

I'm an accountant."

You say to me,

"What's two and two?"

And I say,

"What would you like it to be?"

[ Laughs ]

Karen.

[ Door locks ]

Karen'?

CLIVE:

You're late.

Not a thing to be

when your contract's

nearly up for renewal.

So, uh, Garcia.

I think he wants to shag her.

But she want dollar to shag him.

If I died tomorrow,

Karen would be worth

three-quarters

of a million pounds.

- Om

- KAREN:
Aah!

Denny!

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