Dirty Tricks Page #7

"[ Thud ]

- Oh!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

KAREN:
Denny!

[ Sobbing ]

It is therefore

my duty and pleasure

to pronounce you

husband and wife together.

I want to explain what really

happened between Karen and I.

And I know you disapprove.

Darling, why should you imagine

I'm interested

in Alison Kraemer'?

I can't go on with this!

You're so cold!

I've been so alone.

- Guess what.

- What?

I'm pregnant!

But I didn't mention

my vasectomy.

- What?

- That baby is Clive's.

And I'm a total yob, really.

As I was saying, I'm in

a spot of bother with the law,

who seem to think I murdered

my wife and her first husband.

I think I'd got to the point

Where she brained herself

on our rather tasteless sofa.

Will you wake up'?

Oh, Christ.

Oh, you can't be dead.

[Tone beeping]

Oh, sh*t!

KAREN:

[Crying ] Clive...

I'm all alone here

in the house with him,

and I'm frightened of him,

Clive.

- Aah!

"[ Thud ]

Aah!

And then suddenly

I had the most fantastic idea.

It was only at this point

that I began to break the law.

F And on her head

she wore a bag

And she looked

a dandy fair lady

And 'round her middle

she wore another

[Humming tune]

Up with your little leggies.

There we go.

There's a good girl.

[Doorbell rings]

[ Door locks ]

Hi. Do you mind

if I pay you tomorrow?

I'm doing a spot of gardening.

ls that all right'?

Right.

- Thanks very much. Bye.

- Bye.

- Bye.

[Humming tune]

My plan depended upon

the rather steamy nature

of relationship

between my ex-employer,

Clive Phillips,

and my late wife, Karen.

There is nothing, of course,

the British police enjoy more

than a good, juicy murder.

Karen and Clive

had been planning

a weekend away in Wales.

I stopped first

at Oxford railway station

to buy her a ticket to Banbury,

where they'd arranged

to meet up.

Then I drove

to the outskirts of town

to collect my accomplice.

- Hop in, Garcia.

- What do you think?

You like my gear?

Yes.

There's been a change of plan.

You told your wife?

She got 'round you?

She's, um, put herself

out of the picture.

Oh.

I put the gear in the boot.

The back seat'll be ne.

We won't need the generator now.

You do something worse

to him, maybe.

Wait and see.

I bring something from home.

I knitted it myself.

It Weigh a lot.

"Weighs."

Third person.

Where we go now'?

Get down, for Christ's sake.

Hey, get down, baby!

Get down!

Why are you so nervous?

What are you planning to do

to this guy'?

I'm paying you to knock him

on the head when I tell you,

then do what you're told.

Nothing more, nothing less.

There's Clive's

nasty little car.

And there's Clive

Waiting for my wife.

He's wondering Where she is.

GARCIA:

You go get him now'?

How hard

do you want me to hit him'?

I want him alive, Garcia.

That's very important, okay'?

Alive.

For the moment, anyway.

[ Beeps ]

Hello, Clive.

[Sighs]

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

- She's not coming.

-ls that right'?

Maybe she left you a message.

Did you check your messages?

No.

I think you and I had better

have a little talk, don't you?

So, you know

what's been going on.

Indeed.

You've been stuffing my wife.

I suppose that's how

you would see it.

How do you see it, Clive'?

I'm in love with her.

But you wouldn't

understand that, would you?

Oh, Clive, why do nasty people

have such nice minds?

I'm in love with her.

- This is real.

- Like Hitler and dogs'?

Well, Clive,

now you're gonna be a daddy.

You what?

She's going to have your baby.

She is?

That is so Wonderful.

I thought I was just a...

I think you Were.

Just a very little bit

on the side.

Look, let's, uh --

Let's try and be civilized

about this, shall we'?

We misunderstood each other.

- I was maybe a bit hard on you.

- Do you think so'?

This must be

very painful for you,

knowing that she cares for me.

You don't get it, do you?

Well, I...

I just feel so moved

to think she wants my baby.

Why do people like you think

you have a right to feelings?

You spend half your time

trying to screw people over

and the other half

getting sentimental about it.

Look, let me say this again.

I feel genuine concern

for your situation.

You really think you do,

don't you?

How did you find out'?

I overheard her

talking to you on the telephone.

Oh, my God.

How did that feel'?

That felt like...

-...this!

-[ Groans]

As good as gold.

I Wear these?

We don't want any of this mud

getting on this oar.

It might be traced.

Hey.

It's on his car.

Trust me.

I know what I'm doing.

At least I hoped I did.

I needed incriminating mud

from the demolition site

on Clive's car but not on mine.

Next I had to distract Garcia

while I moved Karen's body.

Okay. Right.

Garcia, I want you

to take this wheel

and throw it the other side

of that small Wall there

Where the plants are.

- Why?

- Questions, questions.

Just do it.

Please.

In death, Karen had achieved

the kind of style

that had always eluded her

in life.

GARCIA:

What you doing'?

Nothing.

Go on.

Go on!

He's disappeared.

Hey.

[Coughing]

There's no one here

to help you, Clive.

There's no one here but me,

and I'm not gonna help you.

Do you know what

I'm gonna do, Clive?

I've got a great big pair

of garden shears here.

I'm gonna use them on you.

You've been getting

a bit rampant lately,

a bit rank and luxurious.

I'm gonna have to out you back!

[Thud]

Right.

You take this car

and follow me in the Mere.

Let me tell you one thing,

my friend.

You lie to me,

you stitch me up,

and wherever you try and hide,

I will find you.

- Okay?

- Okay.

[Sheep bleating]

Hey.

What we do here'?

Picnic?

I proposed to my wife here.

Have a HobNob.

What you going to do

with your wife?

I may have to let her go.

[Squeaking rattling]

CLIVE:

[Weakly] Someone help me.

Very noisy, these Japanese cars,

don't you find'?

[Grunts]

There's nobody here but me

and a few neurotic sheep, Clive.

So I really wouldn't bother.

- You wait here.

- Where you going'?

Gonna take

a sentimental journey.

Just admiring the view.

This is my wife.

She's a little bit dead,

but she was particularly fond

of this spot.

Weren't you, darling?

Come on.

[Grunts]

It must have been

the emotion of the moment,

but I nearly forgot

the crucial evidence

of her single ticket

to Banbury

for her rendezvous with Clive.

[ Scraping 1

The cops

are gonna love this one.

[Tires screeching]

Oh, sh*t!

I hadn't actually intended

to get the car stuck.

[Engine revs]

But it fitted in

with my plans perfectly.

What are you doing, my friend'?

Where have you been'?

Shall we get back

to Mr. Phillips?

You crash his car deliberately?

Good punishment for Clive,

really, isn't it'?

"You touoha my wife,

I smasha you oar."

Hey.

What we do with him'?

I'll show you. We're gonna

leave him by the reservoir.

- We don't push him in'?

- No need.

Oh, poo.

Clive, you should have gone

before we left.

CLIVE:

What are you doing'?

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