Dirty Weekend Page #4

that... why would you

do that? It was mine.

What would be the point in stealing it

if I wasn't going to bother reading it?

That would be stupid.

Yeah, that's true.

Oh, sh*t.

Sh*t. That was not nice.

Sorry. You can cut a zed

in my forehead if you'd like.

A what?

One of those.

"Z."

That's... we call that a "z."

A-anyway, I-it's not

a person... Zorro.

It's a, uh... it... stop lying.

If you're not

gonna tell the truth,

then just don't

say anything at all.

I'm calling the airlines.

No. No, don't do that.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait.

Don't. Don't. Please don't.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna tell you.

I'm gonna tell, all right?

It's... I'm...

I... oh, sh*t.

Oh, it's sexual, isn't it?

Isn't it? What is?

Jesus, come on,

the thing, what you're hiding.

That's what we spend

most of our time lying about,

and people in the states are the worst

about it, man, such f***ing puritans,

the fear that somebody's gonna

find out we like it or love it

or how we love it

or want to try it

or things we haven't

done yet but want to

or people we've done it with.

And I say,

who f***ing cares, you know?

Because this is life.

This is all part of life,

and this is your life,

so you just have to

try and be yourself, les.

I mean, God, we're only here

once. This is a one-time deal.

The hindus are off

their f***ing rockers.

This is a one-time deal,

and so...

F*** it. Do what you want, les.

Wow. Sorry. It's a pet hate.

I guess. You're never

gonna tell me, are you,

anything real?

I mean, I-I want...

oh, this is pathetic!

Men are pathetic!

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Hey, hey, it's private.

So?! So...

S-so maybe I don't

want to tell you.

Is it bigger than this?

Is it more private than this?

I assume that's not a necklace.

Hardly.

Then...?

My girlfriend has me wear it

when I'm away.

It's a collar.

Oh.

Oh, well, that's, uh...

Why?

Why do you think?

Because...

Sh-she's a locksmith?

Not funny, les.

Well, I don't know.

Because that's

the nature of our situation,

our relationship.

She doesn't trust you?

No. We ha... we have trust.

Lots of trust.

Okay.

I'm a sub...

and she's a dom.

Do you understand those words?

What, you mean like

bondage and... and stuff?

Yeah, well, some...

bondage stuff?

Yeah. I mean, something like

that and nothing like that.

Oh. That's just her thing.

No wonder you never show up

at the Christmas parties.

What?

Are you uncomfortable?

A bit. Why?

I'm still the same person

I was five minutes ago.

Yeah, but with a collar

around your neck.

Yeah, there is that.

Anything else?

Don't push it, les.

I just trusted you, okay?

I just told you something

that no one else at work knows.

So?

And then I went back at 7:00.

A.m.?

Wow. "Wow"?

I mean...

Wow. I give it to you,

I-I'm surprised.

And you'd never done anything

of that kind before?

Of course not, no.

No, not ever.

Have you told your wife

about it?

Are you kidding?

No. I just... I mean...

believe me,

this is not something

you... you tell somebody,

not somebody you hope

might love you in the future.

Ah.

Les, please, that's...

what? "Please" what?

Well, I mean,

you slept with someone.

A marriage can survive that.

Sometimes, yeah, but...

well, they do all the time.

Yeah, I know that.

I-I'm not an idiot.

I'm not some country rube

just... just blundering around

in the big city.

Or the medium-sized city,

whatever...

whatever this place is.

I-I-I know that it's possible.

So, then?

So... so, what I just said.

I just sat here and told you

about this evening

that I spent, uh,

an evening that I...

that I barely remember.

I don't know what I'd tell her.

And if I did know,

I still wouldn't.

Well, you just tell her

what happened.

Oh yeah, sure.

"Hi, honey.

I-I-I'm home for dinner."

Oh, by the way, I f***ed

somebody in Albuquerque.

No, I don't know who,

but it was some fantastic,

crazy sh*t,

"really... really mind-blowing."

Something like that?

Does... does that work?

No. Just tell her the truth.

And what might that be?

I don't know, that you had sex,

and not just sex

but sex in a new way,

differently and... and bravely.

Yeah, in the ass.

Yes, in the ass. So what?

Shh. Do you mind?

Jesus, will you keep it down?

You have a real problem

with the truth, don't you, les?

No, I don't.

Not as a concept.

I like it just fine.

I-I'm not nuts about telling

everybody in new Mexico

about my... my indiscretion.

Um, it's...

I-it's called a dirty weekend,

when you go off with someone

and do things, you know...

If you look on the bright side,

you never know,

it might spice up whatever it is

you're in, your marriage.

Uh... I-I don't think so.

I mean, you might...

you might be surprised.

I doubt it. Right.

Well, you never know, les.

Yeah. Uh, yeah,

th-th-the new

cure-all... sodomy.

It's really eating away

at you, isn't it?

You need to do something

about it.

Yeah, I-I...

I don't make waves.

I'm not that kind of guy.

I'm not the guy who does that.

I-I-I go around doing what

I need to do, and that's all.

Okay.

Whatever you say.

I mean...

Except for that one night, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah, except then.

You liked it.

I don't know.

You liked it. No.

You do. You... you like it.

You liked it.

It was different.

I was very drunk,

and she was beautiful.

And... and, yeah, she

might have been a he, maybe.

If you didn't like it,

then we wouldn't be here

in the middle of Albuquerque

trying to find this place, okay?

So, just say that you liked it.

I don't know if I liked it.

You're not supposed to like

things like that.

No, I don't.

I do not. I don't like it.

It just happened.

I don't believe you.

Yeah, well,

so you don't believe me.

Check-f***ing-mate.

This is crazy. Why am I

even discussing this with you?

This is stupid, me telling you.

It did not help to share it.

I do not feel better.

Here why don't you pay for that?

For once.

You're scared.

Oh, stop.

You are. You're scared

of what you're feeling

and what it means.

Natalie, don't, really.

Well, we've come this far.

Don't you think

that we should finish it?

Finish... finish what?

What... and what is

this "we" crap?

We're not in this together.

This is about me

and... and my stuff.

I have stuff, too!

Yes, I know that,

and I don't care about it

because it's your stuff.

It's not my stuff.

I don't think we should

intermingle our stuff.

This will... this will

haunt you, les. I promise.

No, it won't because

I'm closing a door,

a door I never should have

opened in the first pla...

I had no business opening it.

I made a mistake.

I drank too much.

I do that sometimes, and...

and my fault

I did a stupid f***ing thing.

A thing that you enjoyed.

Ah, so what?

That doesn't matter.

I might enjoy bank robbery

or... or... or... or sky-diving

or that idiotic bungee sh*t.

But you know what?

I'm never gonna do those things.

And I'm... I'm absolutely

okay about it.

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