Drinksgiving Page #4

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you know that kind of feeling?

No, no, never, what's that like?

You're not a very helpful person are you?

Come here, sit your butt down.

Stop moving for like two seconds okay, breathe.

There you go.

Here's an idea,

go talk to Lucas.

Rescue him from his fans.

I'm working up to it.

He's like freaking celebrity.

He's just a guy Sarah.

He's just a guy.

He's just a guy who likes to...

who likes to get it on in front of the camera.

Please stop.

Making eye contact all the time.

- No.

- Oh yeah.

I don't need to know what you watch.

Don't make fun, I'm trying to be sexual right now.

Oh, honey.

No.

There you go, you're laughing, this is good.

All right come on, time to mingle missy.

Let's mingle missy.

Oh, god.

- Come on, come on.

- No.

- Come on, come on.

- Did they find something?

God.

Look, look, look, that tat on her shoulder's

a whole mess I can't even comprehend.

Don't be mean it's probably just her family crest,

you know a crack baby blanketed

in a strip of the finest quality bacon.

No, no the Chinese character on the other shoulder.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, what do you think that means?

F***.

This is a great house.

Thanks. I like it.

It's just a little big for one person,

did you ever consider getting a condo?

You sound like my real estate agent.

"You should get a condo, you don't have to mow your lawn.

You know shared walls in case you get murdered."

You know nobody says that to a man.

You know it's like I'm a woman

so I don't deserve my own house.

I have to like find the first dude

that comes on the turnpike so that I can you know be happy.

What's wrong with being alone?

I like it.

So there were just no good condos available?

Really is quite a group of friends we have here.

That Lucas guys sure is cool.

He seems pretty cool, but,

wait did you talk to him?

Oh yeah, absolutely, for a while actually

and he has been all over the place.

You would think that being in porn

he would be kind of a dick,

but he's actually a pretty down to earth dude, cool guy,

- plus Kelsey seems happy.

- Yeah.

Great party Sarah, thanks for hosting.

Dude of course, I'm really happy you could make it.

Join me.

It's good to finally meet you.

It's nice to meet you as well, sir.

Sorry about douche face McGee there.

Ah that's okay.

I had to get meet the parents

and you know how that goes as well.

Oh yeah, how did that go?

- Good I think, I don't know.

- Yeah?

- Kinda weird.

- Yeah a little bit.

- Don't ever say...

- I will never...

Okay.

So Kelsey tells me your nickname used to be Dingo.

Yes I, um...

I used to eat PB's.

What?

Please explain.

So Kelsey and I grew up together right.

So I was obsessed with the movie Crocodile Dundee.

- Really?

- Oh yeah, no I was like,

I wanted a big knife,

I was running around with an Australian accent for a while.

No.

Oh, yeah I was all like "good day mate" and all that sh*t.

So Kelsey started calling me Dingo.

She's good with nicknames.

- That's questionable.

- Yeah.

The thing was nobody else called me that

so it was just her, everybody else just pretended

I wasn't like being weird which was kind of weird.

- That's a little weird.

- Yeah a little weird.

Yeah.

She's a good friend though right?

I mean she's calling you on your sh*t, I mean...

- dude she's the best.

- Yeah.

And I miss her.

Aw I know, she misses you too, but she understands,

everybody gets busy you know living life.

Yeah but I should have still have come

and visit you guys you know.

After the holidays I can come visit you.

Yes that totally gonna happen.

Yeah, sure I mean you can but we'll probably...

- take.

- You, me, we need to talk.

So, she is up to something.

There's something that she's not telling us,

she's not her anymore.

Okay I'll get some water.

No.

They're up to something.

Like what?

Something they're not telling us.

Okay you know what drunk Columbo

let's just go inside.

Don't put your, your hair's in my mouth.

No, no just talk to me, this is a safe space for you.

I love you.

All right Harriet the spy what is next?

Jesus.

Listen I normally wouldn't do this,

but I need a bathroom with a fan

'cause I got a meat baby that needs to be delivered ASAP.

If you catch my drift?

Yeah, drift is, oh my, Jesus, get in...

excuse me.

- Oh, Jesus.

- Hey Sarah.

- Hi, hi.

- Hey, hey, do you have a sec?

Yeah, what's up?

Cool, gotta little confession to make

and I'm just buzzed enough to make it so.

Dammit rob did you break something?

No, no, no, no, nothing happened, nothing bad.

It wasn't like last year

when I accidentally dropped some acid so it's cool.

I just have something on my chest that I'd like to get off.

Okay.

Now you know that I love being friends with you,

it's f***ing awesome and hanging out

with you and Jake has been great.

I don't know how to say this, I'm just gonna say it.

I've been wanting to take you to Pound Town for like forever.

Oh.

Wow.

That sounds violent.

But you know it's not like this is a new thing

or anything like that.

I mean I've been wanting to do this

way before Kelsey and I broke up.

Like way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way before that so.

That's kind of f***ed up.

And it's not like you'd be getting

Kelsey's sloppy seconds or nothing,

I've been inside two or three girls since then so.

I've heard from the bartenders.

Yeah and I've been to the doctor too.

Oh, that's nice to here.

Clean report of health.

Great, wow I'm gonna,

I'm gonna say no, that's a pass.

You know why don't we just forget

that this conversation happened right?

- Yes.

- I mean we're friends,

why f*** it up with sex

- and you know like...

- Yeah like precisely.

Yeah okay.

Why don't you get back to the party

and we'll just forget that this whole thing happened

and then we can revisit it in a couple weeks

- if you feel like it.

- Probably not.

Or I can like text you about it tomorrow.

Or you could not.

Or whenever.

- Don't.

- Yeah, okay, you're the best.

You're good too yeah, all right, okay no, okay.

No.

- Thank you for inviting me.

- You're welcome Rob.

- I love this.

- Good I'm happy you're happy.

If anyone needs a ride home tonight

you just send them my way okay?

I'll keep it in mind but probably no.

All right, want to spend the night or something.

Yeah, that's, well that's my ass crack.

Okay sorry.

- Well that went well I guess.

- Oh, sh*t.

Oh god, oh there it is.

There it is.

Hey you almost done in there?

Oh yeah.

Oh lord, lord have mercy.

Dude.

F***, yeah.

Come on maintain.

So my brother was sick

and he kept stuffing tissues up his sleeve like you do

and we get sh*t faced,

we were like downstairs in my dad's basement bar

and Griff my brother decides

hey it'd be like a really great idea

to take a fifth of Vodka and stuff snotty tissue in it

and then light the sucker on fire.

Boom.

No, no, no, there's not enough alcohol in it.

I like watered it down before the party.

I mean the little bastard would've ended up

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