Drinksgiving Page #5

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at the hospital with alcohol poisoning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you saved him twice then?

Yeah I did.

So where's your brother at tonight then?

I don't know he's probably still at work.

He's supposed to be by later, he's my DD.

Oh cool, that's pretty nice of him.

Yeah I mean he says he knows I'll need a ride home

but you know I know he's really coming to see Sarah.

Oh really?

Oh yeah, he's got a major crush on her.

I'm pretty sure she has a crush on him too

but like she would never admit it.

And you don't care and you two used to kind of date?

Yeah,

Sarah and I had a magical two weeks

of intense hand holding.

I mean I don't know what you've heard

but Griff and Sarah will make a much better couple trust me.

It's true, the worst mistake she ever made.

Hey, can I grab you for a second?

Oh, uh oh.

Are you taking me to your lair again?

- Don't you hope so?

- Again?

Oh, this is a great party Sarah seriously.

Thank you so much for hosting.

It's so much better than being at a crowded bar

and like I can wear cute shoes.

True they are very cute.

You know I should've just invited you guys over,

instead I've got 25 of my closest f***ing strangers.

Well get ready to see a lot more of me.

Really?

I'm moving back.

- Dude seriously?

- Yeah.

Oh, my god, dude that's the most exciting thing ever.

Oh god, Aimee and I had like this crazy idea

that you and Lucas were gonna like...

we're gonna start a business in adult entertainment.

Wait you're f***ing with me right?

Oh, no I'm not.

I mean I'm not gonna be in them.

Well you could.

But I'm not I don't think,

but anyway I'm gonna be running the business.

Okay, that's a lot to take in.

But wait there's more.

- Are you pregnant?

- Oh, f*** no.

- Okay.

- Oh Jesus, sweet baby Jesus.

I'd be there.

I would not be there.

Are you,

are you engaged little girl?

- Yes.

- Oh, my god.

Wow.

Okay I know we haven't been dating for very long, I know.

It just feels like you and rob like,

you know you like just broke up.

Okay that's only to you

because to me that was a long ass time ago.

No.

I mean seriously, no Lucas is, he's great.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, you have to trust me.

Dude, yeah I'm sorry.

Congratulations, I've, there's a lot happening,

but I'm so happy for you.

Thanks, me too.

How is all of this happening in your life

and I don't even know about it?

We didn't tell anybody about the engagement.

No?

I wanted you to be the first to know.

Aw.

And seriously you can say no,

but...

Would you be my maid of honor?

Oh, my god. Really?

Please say yes.

I mean yes of course duh.

So it's a cause for celebration so...

yeah.

- I can smoke this here yeah?

- You are the guest of honor

and you can do whatever you can do whatever you would like.

Oh, I think I'll take you up on that.

No dude, I can't do that sh*t anymore.

I'm like an adult.

I'm sorry have we met?

Yeah well everybody else

is apparently having a good time so.

Thank you.

You smoked like all the weed anyway.

I'm the guest of honor, you just said.

I just,

we should talk more you know?

Yeah we should,

we will, we totally will.

Just I'm such a shitty friend,

- like I don't ever call you.

- Oh, my god.

Aimee went up and saw you and I haven't even seen you yet.

Okay a. You are busy,

b. You're looking for a full time job,

c. You're finishing school.

Come on I never ever expected you to drop everything

and come up for a visit besides I could've called you.

I guess Aimee doesn't really have a lot to do anyway.

She's got here dream job at Macy's

and she's got her American doll collection.

Oh, my god. She...

those are creepy as f*** by the way.

Fine, okay they're creepy.

And the cats, she's got the cats.

Oh, actually she just has the one, the other ones died.

How are you laughing, dick.

I'm sorry, I'm just imagining her saying,

"I just got all this cat death to deal with."

Oh, my god.

You're such an ass.

- You like it.

- Dude Aimee is a nice girl.

I still want you to be

at the announcement tomorrow, some reason.

You've always loved a good a**hole.

Oh, my god, seriously will come tomorrow after your folks?

Dude of course I will totally be there.

I would not miss that.

Oh sh*t.

Sorry folks, can't take this f***er anywhere.

Keep it together, I'm trying to get some p*ssy.

Oh god, is that TJ?

Jesus I haven't seen that guy in forever

and now he's got a goddamn puppet.

I literally do not remember that guy at all.

Oh, my god. Is that the guy that used to sell candy

for the Biology Club?

Do you think he has candy?

You wouldn't believe what I said after that.

I want to touch him.

Me first.

Ladies, ladies, ladies calm down.

There's enough stuffing for each of you.

Remember how he used to get concussions all the time

from playing tetherball in middle school?

I've been told my dick is just like a Turkey leg.

Or how he got busted for jerking it

in the nonfiction section of the public library?

Gotta work a little bit for the gravy.

- Well I will work it.

- Really?

Do you not have a Kathy comic to read?

Ouch, I like you.

It does not ring a bell.

Dude he used to get stuffed in his locker all the time.

I remember doing that to him.

You were such an a**hole.

Yeah that's true.

- Give me something.

- Not yet, not yet.

He wanted to be here.

I am just so happy that the two of you could make it.

He tickles.

What, he's harmless.

And you got on me about inviting weirdo's?

You really have no room to talk.

He's nice.

I like nice people.

I'm sorry do you have a thing for him?

Him and that therapy doll?

I'm sorry you and your daddy issues

can take a minute to reflect upon your life choices.

I bet inside that puppet smells like a beef recall.

You wish.

You have to meet my parents.

Ow.

Get your finger out.

Dude puppet, so badass.

- What?

- Yeah.

No.

I'm gonna totally mouth f*** that puppet later.

Dude what the f*** are you doing?

There's something seriously wrong with your popsicles.

Yeah it's f***ing bratwurst moron

what are you doing in my freezer?

I'll be damned.

You know these are pretty good, you got anymore?

No dude I don't, if you're hungry go home.

You live next door, you have more money than all of us.

No, no, no I can't possibly make it home,

I'm so high right now and I'm so f***ing horny.

I'm high and I'm horny, it's like a double tap

to my hierarchy of needs.

Have you seen Mandy?

You know what I'm gonna find her for you

because you deserve that.

Kyle, Kyle.

You're a good person, Sarah.

Hey you got any chili?

What you have two phones?

Yeah, hello.

Hey, yeah I'll go get some burner for pranks.

Out.

- Get your weed and get out.

- Oh, let me get back to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa hey, hey, here relax.

Dude no, don't, okay.

I'm not doing that anymore.

Right, right, that's why I can smell it on you.

Anyways.

So this b*tch walks up to me and says...

Hey have you guys seen Jake?

Last time I saw him he was looking for some smoke.

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