Drinksgiving Page #6

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So she walks up to me and says,

"that's no dick that's a pipe cleaner."

On the house, brother.

Not that you were gonna pay for it anyways.

Yeah I wasn't.

There's supposed to be some pretty good movies

- opening this weekend.

- Oh yeah?

Yeah that's what I heard somewhere.

I hadn't heard that man

but I don't really keep up with that stuff.

I swear to god I can't even remember

the last time I've been to the movies.

- I know right.

- Right.

Yeah, I was thinking about like heading out

on Friday or something, I don't know.

Cool man, that's a good time to go.

That's what I figured.

You know if you're not doing anything that day

you can totally come along if you want.

I won't make you buy my ticket.

I can't this weekend man my family's all in town,

a bunch of junk going on, I'm all booked up.

Oh, right.

Yeah holiday weekend, duh.

But if you want to hang out like some other weekend

totally give me a call, you know?

I know the holiday weekend it's like crazy.

Yeah man for sure.

Hey.

You know I'm not looking for any kind

of serious relationship right now right?

What?

Jesus, who is?

I don't know man,

it kinda felt like you were angling for something there.

No, no way, you've met me right?

Yes, yes I have.

I just, hey I just wanted to make that clear.

Dude, I was just saying

if you wanted to go to the movies that's it.

Cool man, cool.

I'm actually freezing my ass off out here too

so I'm gonna head back inside.

Finish that guy off by yourself.

Oh my.

- Hello.

- Hey how's it going?

I've got five large pepperoni pizzas here.

Who ordered pizza?

I did, that's me.

Well hello there.

Hi how's it going?

So how much do I owe you?

It's gonna be 42.68.

Keep the change.

Okay whatever lady.

I'm pretty sure that puts you on a sex offender registry.

Maybe he'll call me mommy.

God what is wrong with everybody, I have food.

I know where this is going.

Hey you're totally out of toilet paper.

Okay.

I already went through all the cabinets and the closet.

- Great, I'll find you some.

- Great.

Oh, my god, you were right.

Kyle is not gonna work out.

Oh, okay I do want to hear about this

but can we just do this in like a little bit.

Uh huh sure, when would be a good time?

Just a little bit later okay?

I'm really not trying to blow you off.

Sure fine.

By the way mom said, "feel free to wear comfy pants tomorrow."

We're not dressing up.

God dude I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you

I'm not gonna be able to make it.

Kelsey asked me to come over and then...

uh huh, I see.

Dude don't be like that.

I'm with you every single Thanksgiving.

I can probably make it,

I just, I don't know what time...

Nate.

Dude come on Kelsey's engaged,

they're announcing it tomorrow and she asked me to be there.

How nice for you.

You have me every Thanksgiving.

Oh, my god, Sarah.

Come on you knew tomorrow was gonna be weird for me.

Oh, no, no but that's cool

I'm sure Kelsey's engagement

trumps my little f*ggot situation.

Dammit I'm sorry I can't be everywhere all the time okay?

You could stop riding my ass.

I was really counting on you being

my moral support tomorrow and my family buffer.

Do you even remember that?

Can your brother be moral support just until I get there?

I'm sorry okay, truly I am sorry,

but if you can just cut me a little slack all right.

I'm kinda having a rough week.

Sarah, no what, what?

What now, what tiny event

are you gonna blow way out of proportion?

I don't even want to talk to you right now okay?

I will be there tomorrow like I am

for every other thing in your needy f***ing life.

Hey Sarah you're gonna get toilet paper right?

It would be my goddamn pleasure

to get you some f***ing toilet paper!

Does anybody else need anything while I'm out?

No, anyone?

- What the f***.

- Hey f*** you, b*tch.

So what the hell happened to you?

I got humdingered by the f***ing kids outside.

Nice, wish I could've seen that.

Hey.

You look like you needed a break.

Is that right?

Oh god.

Why did I ask him out?

How did I think that was gonna go?

You know I totally get it.

Back in the day...

I used to be a groupie for the spin doctors.

Uh huh.

And after a while I was

hanging out after the shows and stuff

and making the rounds...

Of the guys.

I started to realize that lam worth more than this.

Sure.

So, then...

I hooked up with third eye blind.

See, there you go.

Yeah.

Oh, so that's where our usual suspects are.

Yeah drinking at my place

and getting on my f***ing nerves.

Did you know I'm supposed

to be at everyone's house tomorrow like a superhero.

Oh super, Sarah.

So, what I'm hearing is that you have friends

that actually want to hang out with you

and parents that actually genuinely care about you.

Aw sucks to be you.

I mean,

you're right I mean,

I deserve to be in a relationship

with someone who actually wants to be with me,

who wants to hang out.

Amen brother.

You know, Sarah,

didn't have time to even give me a minute.

Just had to rush off.

Life goes by pretty quick, blink and you miss it.

But then was I really mad at her

or was I just taking it out on her

because of the whole stupid thing with Kyle?

I wasn't fair to her.

Oh hey, it takes all kinds.

Listen,

I don't want to trivialize your situation

but with problems being on a scale of one to 10,

one being none at all and 10 being a shitload,

you're at like a four.

And you're kinda making it a 10 so.

You know what? I don't think water's doing the trick, shots.

- Shots.

- No, no.

Oh, no argument, no.

I'm only supposed to get toilet paper.

Shots.

Okay twist my arm.

There we go.

To life, it only gets worse.

Oh, why did you give me well?

Stop.

What are you gonna do?

Smile, it's Drinksgiving.

- Drinksgiving.

- Drinksgiving.

Thanks for having me over tonight.

Oh, my god.

Absolutely, love.

Anytime.

I mostly just get invited to orgies anymore

or you know like if a couple

wants to spice things up in the bedroom.

Well.

I gotta get back inside.

Thanks for the talk.

Steady at the wheel man.

You're a thousand times better than

the f***ing spin doctors.

Thanks.

Oh boy.

There it is, I'm feeling it.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Are you getting this?

Yeah I'm witnessing, that's amazing.

How are you, seriously?

I'm okay, I'm better.

- Are you sure?

- I'm better than that.

Okay that does not count, that is not the baseline.

Jake attempted to hold down the fort while you were gone.

I did my best but I don't exactly run a tight ship.

- He does not.

- What's broken?

No Sarah nothings broken,

come on don't worry please, please.

You guys I'm really sorry, genuinely,

I didn't mean to get pissed at you guys

I was just pissed at the situation.

I needed to like to get out and walk and rant.

I'm gonna try to get to both of your houses tomorrow

and somehow not piss off my parents which will be...

- Well.

- Guys, guys.

Sarah what's your plan tomorrow?

Oh, a bit of chaos and insanity, the usual, the normal.

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