Drop Dead Gorgeous Page #13

LISA'S FATHER

I'll tell ya one thing. Peter never

woulda pulled a shenanigan like that.

LISA:

Well, y'know what, dad? Y'know what?

Peter's gay!

She runs off. Her parents stop DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS.

LISA'S FATHER

What?!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE ON BECKY'S FACE. Flashes illuminate it. With each

photo she changes her smile and expression. She loves

this.

PULL BACK to reveal two older men, with old-style news

cameras, flash pictures.

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

So, how does it feel to be the new

Mount Rose American Teen Princess,

Becky?

OLDER MEN turn and look at camera, then take out a pen

and note pad.

BECKY:

Well, it's all happenin' so fast.

Goodness-gracious, it hardly seems

real, y'know? I mean, I won! I'm the

winner! I'm going to State!

GLADYS:

She's the winner and we're going to

state.

INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GIRL'S BATHROOM - DAY

Fry Girl #1 and Pregnant Fry Girl smoke.

FRY GIRL #1

What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's

finally gonna go to State.

And she'll probably ride on Becky's

ass all the way to Nationals, too.

PREGNANT FRY GIRL

I wonder how she's gonna fix that one.

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

Are you ladies going to the parade

tomorrow?

PREGNANT FRY GIRL

Nah. I think I'm like, due or

somethin'.

MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - NEXT DAY

Beautiful sunny day. Lester talks to camera.

LESTER:

Ahhh. Beautiful as a whore's ass

today. Eh, boys?

In the b.g., Gladys holds a bullhorn, clipboard and

points to a LARGE SWAN FLOAT.

GLADYS:

(into bullhorn)

Hey! Turn that float around. You

think a swan's gonna swim ass first up

Main Street?

LESTER:

Yah-Gladys had me order that swan

special made from Mexico (Me'hee'koe)

in case Becky won. I do a lotta

business with those people. I always

offer to pay kem in tacos.

(laughing)

Whoo, they love that.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

Entire town lines the road. The Mayor and the Leman

family stand behind the red ribbon. Parade PARTICIPANTS

are lined up behind them.

MAYOR:

(into bullhorn)

Yah-hello-hello...sh*t! How the f***

do ya work this damn thing, huh? Oh.

Welcome to our first ever American

Teen Princess Parade - which also

happens to be the unveiling of our new

sewer system!

CHEERS! Becky cuts the ribbon. More CHEERS!

MAYOR (cont'd)

Yah-so, while Becky gets on her float,

then, any questions kbout the new

sewer? Yah, Clem?

JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

THE PASSING PARADE:

- THREE FAT VETS, dressed as the Revolutionary War trio,

hold American, Minnesota and POW/MIA flags.

- TWO BATON TWIRLERS stand in front of the Mount Rose

High School Band. They play - way off key.

- JUDGES wave from a convertible. Hank, in passenger's

seat, struggles to get out. His seatbelt prevents it.

- TWO GRUNGY OLD CLOWNS smoke impatiently.

- TWO FAT WHITE MEN, dressed as Indians, sit on scooters.

- FAT MAN drives a riding lawnmower, pulling a flatbed

with A SPEEDBOAT and a FISHING CAMP GROUP.

- FARMER pulls a goat with a sign: "Milk Me for $1.00"

- A BRIGADE of tap dancing BASSOONISTS.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET

Harold and Hank pull over and park their truck. Harold

quickly gets out, obviously in a hurry, slamming on a

pouting Hank.

HAROLD:

Let's get this straight right now. We

wouldn't have been late at all if it

wasn't for you.

HANK:

I want to have the big bag of little

donuts.

HAROLD:

You get nothing, Hank, okay?

HANK:

I want to get the big bag of little

donuts.

HAROLD:

There's your paint can. The next time

you drink window cleaner, I'm just

gonna leave it in ya.

Harold rushes off for the parade, joining other folks

carrying baskets, lawn chairs and flags on the sidewalk.

JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - BACK TO DOCUMENTARY CAMERA

PAN OVER to see Gladys helping Becky climb on the swan,

unaware of camera. In b.g., DOCUMENTARY CREW interviews

Amber and Leslie on their convertible behind the swan

float.

GLADYS:

C'mon, Rebecca, you wanted it. Now

get up there. Ride it side-saddle if

you have to - like a horse. C'mon,

now.

BECKY:

It smells funny. Like gasoline.

GLADYS:

Oh for chrissakes, everything smells

like that in Mexico.

BECKY:

My dress'll reek.

GLADYS:

Listen, little missy, this cost your

dad a pretty penny. Now get your ass

up there and show me some teeth.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

Amber and Leslie, in gowns, look unhappy as they stare

straight ahead, exhaust fumes - that appear to come from

the swan's ass - cover them and their old convertible.

LESLIE:

Amber, if I die from these fumes, will

you be sure to cover the hickies on my

neck?

AMBER:

Yeah...

LESLIE:

And the bite marks on my ears?

AMBER:

(slowly turning)

Yes...

LESLIE:

I know it doesn't matter, but on my

inner thighs.

AMBER:

Yes, Leslie!

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

Hank rubs his head, then angrily gets out of the truck,

SLAMMING THE DOOR ON ONE OF THE SUSPENDERS ON HIS

OVERALLS. He starts to walk, but can't, eventually

leaning out from the truck - only moving his arms as if

walking.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER

Hank, still stuck in the door, is being teased by a GROUP

OF KIDS who poke at him with flags and sticks. ANOTHER

LITTLE KID taunts him with his cotton candy - keeping it

just out of his reach. Hank bats at them like

Frankenstein and the torch wielding townsfolk.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER

Hank, still stuck in the door, holds the little kid by

the back of the shirt in one hand and eats the kid's

cotton candy with the other. The kid struggles to get

away. A few BROKEN FLAGS are scattered on the ground.

HANK:

Help...Hank! Help...Hank!

Help...Hank! Help...Hank!

ON SWAN FLOAT. Gladys approaches.

GLADYS:

Okay, I designed the float, you know.

And, what's gonna happen here is that

this is going to look like a

glistening lake beneath the swan.

IRIS:

Uh, Gladys?

GLADYS:

What!

IRIS:

We need more bars!

GLADYS:

This is -- what?

IRIS:

Enid ate a whole pan!

GLADYS:

I swear to God she can't do anything

by herself.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

AMBER:

(to camera)

Oh-yah, this is exactly how I pictured

it. Chokin' on swan gas.

Suddenly, like a gasoline soaked pinata, it EXPLODES!

Gladys is thrown back. Flames. Screaming. PANDEMONIUM!

Becky doesn't have a chance. She's a pink taffeta BALL

OF FIRE. The swan's back eventually collapses taking

Becky into it's burning belly.

INTERCUT WITH MR. HOWARD'S VIDEO.

Gladys watches in stunned silence as her daughter and

only chance at State go up in flames. Suddenly, she

CRACKS!

GLADYS:

Oh my God! My Baby! The swan ate my

baby!

(grabbing at burning float)

Ow-ow-ow! Get up, Rebecca! Get outta

there! We've gotta go to State! Oh

hot!

(she scorches her blouse)

Oh, damn. I like this blouse.

Rebecca! Get up, angel face. Time to

go to State! Ow-ow-ow!

Eventually, Gladys tries to climb up on the float. Iris

pulls her off.

GLADYS (cont'd)

Get offa me, you cow!

Gladys spins and notices the silent CROWD.

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