Drop Dead Gorgeous Page #14

GLADYS (cont'd)

What're you lookin' at? Huh? A whole

God Damn town of losers! That's what

I'm lookin' at!

Crowd reacts. Gladys notices Amber and runs up to her

car.

GLADYS (cont'd)

You! You piece-a-sh*t trailer trash!

This shoulda been you! Damn, I

shoulda killed you when I had the

The crows reacts again. Gladys spins, noticing someone.

Lester approaches.

GLADYS (cont'd)

Hey, Ted, sorry. I didn't know your

family was in the garage when I set it

on fire!

LESTER:

Gladys! Stop it!

GLADYS:

Guess it wasn't a garage sale as much

as it was a bake sale. Ah-

hahahahahahahaha!

Lester tries to pull her away from the crowd.

GLADYS (cont'd)

Let go-a-me, you old bastard!

She grabs a BURNING 2X4 off a float and starts swinging

it.

GLADYS (cont'd)

At least you've got another daughter.

CROWD GASPS. Then stunned SILENCE. CAMERA CIRCLES

Gladys and Lester getting reaction shots of the crowd.

LESTER:

So help me, Gladys.

GLADYS:

Becky was my only shot at state!

LESTER:

That's enough!

GLADYS:

Let go! Let go of me. Oh my God,

it's COPS!

TWIN OFFICERS, followed by "COPS" TV CREW, run up and

aggressively tackle Gladys. As the struggle on the

ground continues, crew guys go over and shake hands with

the "COPS" crew - obviously knowing them.

GLADYS (cont'd)

(pointing to Lester)

He sells reproductions! His

furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

The COPS crew begins to mingle with the DOCUMENTARY crew.

SCOTT:

Hey, man, how're you doin'?

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

Hi! What's up, Scott? You remember

Bruce, right?

SCOTT:

Long time, no see.

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

Bruce, that's Roy.

(they shake hands)

Roy, Bruce.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

Lovely hillside. A PASTOR and TOWN FOLK - heads bowed -

stand beside a FRESH GRAVE.

PASTOR:

That's why, dear Lord, it's with such

great sorrow that we turn over to you

a young woman whose dream of ridin' on

a giant swan brought about her

untimely death. Maybe it's your way

of telling us to buy American.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER

The funeral is over. Amber, Loretta, Iris and Servettes

awkwardly face each other beside the grave. Iris takes

the PARTIALLY MELTED TIARA from the headstone.

IRIS:

As, uh, actin' President of the Mount

Rose Civil Servettes, it's my duty

since Becky can't fulfill her duties -

kcause she's dead-n-all - to make you

Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

She puts the TIARA on AMBER. Loretta FLASHES pictures.

MALE REPORTER #1

Turn around and let me see.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER

Annette, Amber (wearing her tiara) and Loretta are

leaving the crowning ceremony. All are happy as they

push an extremely drugged Annette out of the cemetery.

LORETTA:

What is wrong with you?

AMBER:

I don't know. I just didn't wanna win

like this.

LORETTA:

You stop right there. You are a good

person. Good things happen to good

people.

AMBER:

Really?

LORETTA:

No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie.

You're lucky as hell, so you might as

well enjoy it. Let's get you a root

beer float.

AMBER:

Okay.

LORETTA:

Do you guys want some shots? I'm

buyin'.

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY

Amber sits on the picnic table. In the b.g., Loretta

exits her trailer with a FED-EX GUY. She pats his buns

as he exits. She approaches Amber with a packet.

AMBER (V.O.)

I never liked her, but she didn't

deserve to die in the belly of a swan

like that. The whole thing's just

kinda sad and lame at the same time.

LORETTA:

(handing over packet)

This came for you, sweetie.

AMBER:

Ah! It's from State! Oh my God!

Amber rips it open and holds up a color brochure with

COLLEEN and TERRY in a glamour shot on the cover.

AMBER (cont'd)

(paging through packet)

It's all the stuff I get to do. Oh my

God, oh my God... Okay, okay... We get

a "personal consultation" with a make-

up artist -- Eeeh! Okay, um, there'll

be a choreographer to the stars and,

oh no -- No way. Oh... My... God!

LORETTA:

What? For chrissakes, spit it out.

AMBER:

I'll be stayin' overnight at... The

Airport Howard Johnsons!

LORETTA:

Right by the airport - Oh, Amber...

AMBER:

There's an indoor swimming pool!

Ahhhh!

Loretta joins in the screaming.

AMBER (cont'd)

Oh crap - I only got four days. I

gotta practice!

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - MORNING

MONTAGE BEGINS over MUSIC.

Amber emerges from Loretta's trailer, Pop Tart in mouth,

book bag in hand. SMILES. WAVES.

EXT. TRAILER PARK

Taps her way down the road, out of the trailer park.

INT. CAFETERIA - MONTAGE

Amber scrapes trays. PAN DOWN. She wears tap shoes,

practices her routine.

INT. HOSPITAL - MONTAGE - DAY

Amber walks around the room in high heels, balancing a

bedpan on her head.

INT. MORTUARY - MONTAGE

Amber dances around the room, using a suit on a hanger as

a partner. A naked old man is on the embalming slab, a

sheet covering his nasties.

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - NIGHT

In silhouette, Amber taps on the picnic table by the

light of the FULL HARVEST MOON.

DIP TO BLACK:

EXT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSONS - DAY

WHITE LETTERS ON BLACK: "STATE FINALS"

We look up at the towering Howard Johnsons and see a huge

banner which reads: "WELCOME AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS,

FRIED CLAM PLATTER $9.99." Suddenly, a 747, not more than

thirty feet above the hotel, flies over - the sound is

deafening.

LORETTA:

All right, say "Airport Ho-Jo."

AMBER:

Airport Ho-Jo!

LORETTA:

I got it! Yeah, why don't ya take a

Mr. Larson unloads Amber's luggage from the hearse.

Loretta leans against it, arm around Amber, smoking and

occasionally flipping off people who stop to stare at

this unusual sight.

AMBER:

Loretta, don't do that.

LORETTA:

I'm sorry. They're just starin'.

AMBER:

I gotta work with these women.

LORETTA:

Okay, sweetie, that's all right.

Let's go. Let's go.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

There's a fake tropical look, with loads of plastic

palms, etc. CAMERA FOLLOWS Amber into area. BANNER:

"STATE FINALS - SPONSORED BY THE MINNESOTA MODELING

ACADEMY" Contestants (25) sit at tables, they seem more

mature, more professional. Amber smiles and gives a

little wave. Terry approaches Amber.

TERRY:

And you are...

AMBER:

Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

TERRY:

Funny, you don't look dead.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER

Colleen and Terry address the assembled contestants.

SUPER:
COLLEEN DOUGLAS AND TERRY MACEY - MINNESOTA

AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS STATE BOARD AND OWNERS OF THE

MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY

COLLEEN:

Okay ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen

Douglas and this raving beauty on my

right --

TERRY:

I'm a mirror.

COLLEEN:

Correction. This spunky monkey on my

right is Terry Macey. And we are your

Minnesota American Teen Princess State

Board.

TERRY:

We're also the co-founders of the

Minnesota Modeling Academy.

Applications are at the tiki bar.

We'll wave the fifty dollar

application fee if you list a friend

and put her address.

COLLEEN:

That's right.

TERRY:

Okay?

COLLEEN:

Mm-hm.

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