Drop Dead Gorgeous Page #15

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

Loretta, seated at the bar, puts her arm around a man

next to her.

LORETTA:

So...you're cute. Oh, I see you're

married.

(to bartender)

You catch this in your mouth, I'll

give you a present. All right? Open

wide...

(she throws the olive)

Oh, God, you got that on the first

try. Come here.

Loretta kisses the bartender.

LORETTA (cont'd)

You are cute.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - COURTYARD STAGE AREA - DAY

TERRY:

Due to budgetary cutbacks - and the

fact that Nationals didn't cough up a

damn nickel this year - you won't be

stayin' overnight. So pay attention,

you've got about eight hours until

showtime.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY

A DISCO BEAT POUNDS from a boom box. Mr. Melchoir, the

choreographer, watches contestants move in fast-paced

crisscrossing formations. Amber is among them. Miss St.

Paul screws up.

MR. MELCHOIR

Remember to count, ladies. Cross on

the left and arms up on eight! On the

beat! On the beat! Keep on it! Keep

movin' it! C'mon, Miss Forest Lake,

take that stick out of your ass or I

will. All right. Very nice. Now

come on, arms out. We're in the front

row. Come on, sell it! That's very

nice. Remember, figure eights,

ladies...

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER

Colleen and Terry smoke and drink at a tall tiki table

that's covered with empties. In the b.g., a pageant

worker passes out PINK BAGS to the contestants. All the

while, TWO FAT KIDS play "Marco Polo" in the pool.

COLLEEN:

(tipsy, holding up glass)

I can sum up our entire philosophy

with this glass. I look at it and

say, "it's half full." Which, in the

beauty pageant biz means, "Where the

hell's my waiter!"

She laughs hard, then spins around in her chair.

COLLEEN (cont'd)

(screaming)

Stop with the f***in' Marco-Polo

before I rip your fat little heads

off!

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS

A very mature Miss Burnsville talks to Amber who is

staring at Miss Burnsville's supernaturally well-

supported chest.

MR. MELCHOIR

Miss Burnsville, you're up next...

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS - MOMENTS LATER

Amber sits addressing the camera. Miss Burnsville is

gone.

AMBER:

Don't tell anyone, but, I have a

little secret weapon of my own.

Amber pulls out a jar of Vaseline from her purse and

smiles innocently.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET - DAY

Contestants hungrily fill their plates with seafood.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET

Amber stands beside the buffet, holding only a salad.

AMBER:

I don't eat shellfish. Mom always

says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can

carry its house around with it - who

knows the last time it's been

cleaned." She should know.

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

Amber eats at a tall tiki table with Miss Minneapolis.

MISS MINNEAPOLIS

... I've done about thirty-five

pageants. I guess my most memorable

one'd have to be Miss Teen America,

1995. It was in Vegas. My roommate

did Adam West.

SUPER:
MR. WEST WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT

MISS MINNEAPOLIS (cont'd)

She said he was sooo horny.

Amber stares at her with wide-eyed disbelief.

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY

Amber watches four contestants in a row practice their

talents. All are equally amazing.

"THEME from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" starts. Miss

Minneapolis steps ON STAGE - silver unitard, silver

streamers, silver tap shoes. She starts a TAP ROUTINE

that RIVALS AMBER'S.

AMBER:

(whispering to camera)

Oh my God. Look at her, she's

awesome. I should just go home now.

Terry and Colleen stand in front of the stage.

TERRY:

Okay, okay, that's enough - I get it.

SUDDENLY Miss Minneapolis FREEZES.

MISS MINNEAPOLIS

Oh - oh my God...

(doubling over in pain)

I gotta go!

She runs off toward the RESTROOM.

COLLEEN:

(calling after her)

Well, you're gonna have to do

somethin' with those nerves before

Nationals. Thirty-million people

aren't gonna wait while you run to the

john.

Other waiting contestants suddenly double over, ad-

libbing "oh no! oh my God!" "I'm gonna puke!" etc. More

contestants grab their bellies.

NEWS FOOTAGE:
INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - MORE FOOTAGE

FEMALE REPORTER:

(hand on earpiece)

Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly.

A salmonella dysentery outbreak, now

traced to improperly refrigerated

shellfish, was believed to be the

cause. Joining us now is David

Richardson, a member of the

documentary crew filming the pageant.

He was there when tragedy struck.

TELEVISION SET:

CREW GUY:

F***in' beauty queens blowin' chunks

everywhere. I've never seen anything

like it before, and I live in L.A.

(laughs)

Hey, Ed.

FEMALE REPORTER #2

Can you tell us any thing about the

controversy? Is there a controversy

here? Has there been sabotage?

Follow REPORTER as she runs over to Amber, Colleen and

Terry. All three look dazed. Reporters SHOUT questions.

COLLEEN:

(with forced sobriety)

People, people - wait, wait a minute,

here. Uh, while we haven't ruled out

sabotage from neighboring state

pageants - Iowa, Wisconsin, North

Dakota...

TERRY:

Yeah.

COLLEEN:

Dakota.

TERRY:

Ohio...

COLLEEN:

That b*tch from...

TERRY:

What?

COLLEEN:

Wisconsin.

TERRY:

All right, then.

COLLEEN:

The b*tch.

TERRY:

The important thing is that we have a

winner...

PULL BACK to reveal we're:

INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - BAR - NIGHT

The mayor and other vets, watch Amber on the TV.

COLLEEN (ON T.V.)

And, on behalf of the Minnesota

Modeling Academy, we proudly present

Amber Atkins. Your new Minnesota

American Teen Princess.

The place ERUPTS in CHEER! ON TV: Terry sets a tiara on

Amber's head. FLASHES.

MAYOR:

Yah, ain't it just a kick in the

f***in' ass!?!? I'll be a snake's

prick if tragedy and pageants ain't

got a way of bringin' folks

together...

(directly at camera)

Yous boys tell me when want me to

start, okay?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY

IONA:

Amber?! What-the-hell's goin' on

around here? I'm Mount Rose American

Teen Princess. Where the hell's my

tiara? I bet those sneaky little Japs

took it...

INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Cathy and other townsfolk are glued to a small TV set on

the counter.

FEMALE REPORTER (ON T.V.)

Amber, how do you feel?

AMBER:

I, uh... I feel like... I, uh, I need

a shower.

Townsfolk laugh and cheer.

CATHY:

Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph I hope Gladys

Leeman hangs herself in her cell when

she hears this.

INT. WOMEN'S PRISON - REC ROOM

ROUGH HAND HELD FOOTAGE. We see Gladys walking around,

holding onto the back of a large black woman's belt.

GLADYS:

Uh-huh. No, no. Gosh, no. You know

I still don't want to be on camera...

SUPER:
PHONE INTERVIEW WITH GLADYS LEEMAN FROM MINNETONKA

WOMEN'S FACILITY

GLADYS (V.O. ON THE PHONE)

Yah - I just wanna say - that little

b*tch better watch her back at

Nationals kcause I'm makin' friends on

the inside... Yah-friends who have

friends on the outside...

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