Dude Page #3

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No, it's okay. She's off saving the world,

one prom at a time.

Yeah.

Well, you know, uhm, speaking of prom...

Uhm...

I was a little worried that

you might think I was just, like,

f***ing around earlier.

Definitely. I'd really like to go

with you, if you're into it?

I don't know about your face.

I don't know if you would. But...

No, I have this, uhm...

I have this pre-frosh thing

at UCSB this weekend.

-No. That's, that's chill.

- I totally get that.

- No. No. No. No. I'm not saying that.

I don't, I don't know

if I'm gonna go to that or not, uhm,

but if I don't go,

I'd love to go to prom with you.

Well you should then. Cool.

So Jerry will make

an announcement

and then it'll be girls' soccer,

led by yours truly.

Then it'll be boys' soccer,

though I really object to that order,

but then we'll both celebrate

our crushing victories.

Okay. Prom?

I really need your guys' help on this.

So Noah...

will you check the rates

at these catering companies?

Uhm, try Alphonso at Caf Food,

just let me know if you need any help.

You know what, I can actually, I can...

Noah, uh, are there some

agenda issues you'd like to address?

So, there are many things

that are important for prom,

but the most important thing,

is, uh, your date.

Hmm. What's going on?

Lily will you please

Come to prom with me

I think you are very pretty And very sweet

And I have wanted to ask you For like 600 weeks

Sorry if that makes me a creep

I'm so tall and I'm Jewish

And you're Jewish

We're both Jewish

And Jews should stick together

Because there's not that many of us

So let me go to prom with you

Don't say no, don't say no

Don't say no

- Don't say no, don't say no

- Wow, that was great.

That was... doesn't that...

Okay. Email tonight,

meeting adjourned, thank you guys.

Look, I know I'm no Heath Ledger,

but I know you like big gestures so...

Prom is my prom date

and it should be yours too.

I mean, dude, the ukulele...

Seriously? Have some self-respect.

Yeah, but he planned

the whole thing though.

Pretty f***ing cute.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Guys, I just had a serious CRAFT moment.

What did you play, Light as a feather,

stiff as a board? I love that game.

No. So I was sitting in the library,

and guess who walks in.

- Hey. Rebecca.

- Hey. What's up?

- A little light reading I see?

- Yeah.

My parents never done one,

so I'm just trying to sort through

and this one's my personal reading.

Ah, well, uh,

you know, sometimes

there's just no reason at all

- and there's nothing pure about it.

- Yeah.

Right.

I'll just, uh, you know,

- finish the shift.

- Yeah, nice seeing you.

She rockin she drinkin she turning She rolling she smoking sweating

She's sweating I hold her She about to go and she going shake

She rocking

She rocking only for dollars

For dollars they are from ballers

From ballers think she'll be

Your sexy flawless

Here's 26, 28, 30 inches

You taste it got a lot of ambition

You get a lot of woman bad b*tches

Drop it, drop it, drop it

Girl get it get it

Pop it pop it drop it drop it rub it

Girl get it get it

Girl get it girl get it get it

What's up?

- Hey.

- Hey.

The water hot enough for you?

Have you ever masturbated to completion

next to a total stranger before?

Bemis is hot.

but in my fantasy,

it's Gore Vidal and Trent Reznor.

Is that f***ing crazy?

Wait. So she knew you were masturbating?

She knew who I was fantasizing about.

I masturbate at school all the time,

it's a great burst of energy.

It totally focuses and relaxes you.

I'm never holding your hand again.

Okay. So, if you send a sext

to somebody and they text you back,

"O period K period", what do you reply?

Aaron Jakes is a douche.

Have you seen him again?

Just a few times,

late night at his house,

younger boy throwdown,

they do what you say.

Hm. Unless they turn you down.

Anyway, indifference

is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Yup, because Iceberg Slim said,

"You can't need the p*ssy."

And who is Iceberg Slim?

A great writer and renowned pimp.

- How did the meeting go, Meils?

- Dude, divorce stuff sucks.

My dad refuses to give Rosa benefits,

but then I see him and he gives me this.

That's f***ing suck.

It's just such a f***ing letdown,

you know.

And this bracelet's

like really f***ing tacky.

- You should tell him it upsets you.

- No, you can't. He's a dick.

You might as well enjoy the perks.

I f***ed up my eyeliner.

- This corner.

- Yeah.

Okay. So...

I have a little something.

It's Thomas' favorite.

Oh.

Happy birthday dear Thomas

Happy birthday to you

Okay. To Thomas. All right.

Here we go, all right.

That was the one, good cake.

Very good cake.

Taxi's here bellas.

All right ladies, let's throw on

some slutty dresses and get f***ed up.

- Is that what you're wearing?

- Yeah, I'm over it.

Give me my shot, give me my shot

Give me my shot, keep calm

Give me my shot, give me my shot

Give me my shot, keep calm

Give me my shot, give me my shot

Give me my shot, keep calm

All right. Let's get schwatsy faced,

zanzi-bars? Shrooms?

I don't care, whatever, I'll get weird.

I'm gonna grab that blunt

from the Travises. Travis!

Oh.

Okay. I'm, I'll go to the bathroom.

A lot of Wagner biographies.

You go to Catcher High?

That's a bummer.

Uh-hmm. You a Path girl?

Hmm.

Enjoy yourself.

Yeah, you too.

Psst. Madame President?

What the f***?

Were you waiting out here

for me with a joint?

I was. Uh, it's an apology joint.

No. I should apologize.

You were really sweet. I was...

I was a really big b*tch, I'm sorry.

No. You weren't a b*tch, you weren't.

I, it's, most guys look so cool to you

and I thought that I would join the ranks

of those great uke players, but, uhm...

I found out

that I'm not one of those guys,

and I feel really bad

that I embarrassed you, I, I didn't...

- I'm just not that kind of girl.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Uhm, and, and plus,

- Okay.

I already have dates.

I thought prom was your date?

Well, the girls and I

were probably gonna go together.

Yeah, but, I mean, who are they

gonna dance with during slow songs?

You'll be the one running sh*t,

they can't dance with you.

Besides, I thought it might be nice

if you have someone to give you their coat

if you get cold.

F***. I'm a b*tch.

That would be nice. You...

You're so nice, you are. It's just,

I have a lot of things...

I'm not that nice.

Okay. So, let's just hold our horses.

- I'm here with my girls.

- Oh, no. No. No. Don't...

Look, it's dark outside,

you're probably really drunk,

I could be anyone to you.

So, if we're gonna do this,

you need to come over

in the afternoon,

it's much better lighting.

Give me your phone.

You are really f***ing nice. Thank you.

- See you.

- Bye.

Bye. Thank you.

F*** yeah.

Well, this is f***ing cute.

Meanwhile, my chocolate chunk prom date

is over there feeling on some

just-started-birth-control-titties.

F*** Aaron Jakes

and screw that tiny Tinkerbell c*nt.

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