Dude Page #4

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I mean, what are we gonna do

about tree next year?

That East Coast weed

is some schwag-ass sh*t.

I feel like we're gonna be doing,

like, cool, like, brooding winter drugs,

like, opium,

you know?

Chloe? Earth to Chloe.

What's up?

I, uhm,

I got into NYU this morning.

- You better f***ing stop.

- Oh, my God.

- Dude?

- Really?

- Hm-mmm.

- What? What's wrong?

You love Ol' West City.

I think I wanna go to UCSB,

like, be close to my mom and stuff.

Have you to talked to Lil?

Oh, sorry, excuse me. Hey.

Hey. They attached a trash bag

to a vaporizer, it's f***ing dope, hit it.

Wait, what happened to your lip?

Younger boy throwdown?

You fought a little boy?

Mmm. Yeah.

- What? Did I miss something?

- ...are star people.

Oh, my God, somethings off

in PussTown USA. I'm so sorry.

Uh, ah, Chloe, I know I said get weird

and do shrooms and sh*t,

maybe, maybe you're getting

a little too weird?

There's nothing weird about

just hanging with your prom date.

But hold on,

what about those shrooms, though?

It's disgusting,

there's splash everywhere.

Damn it.

Cops, cops with dogs.

Sh*t. Go. Go.

- Ah. Becks. Where's Becks? Where...

- Find her. Find her, meet me outside, go.

Got a little roof on there. A little roof.

Oh, what the...

Ah! Ah! What the f***! Really?

- Becks.

- Becks? Becks.

- No.

- Cops, cops, cops. Come on.

Guys, I pulled out two tampons.

- Dude, gross.

- I know.

- How long were they in there?

- One was mummified.

- So, they're like all...

- Yeah.

- Like a loom.

- No.

Like Penelope fighting off suitors.

Okay. Come on, we got to go. Come on.

All right.

Party's over, let's go.

Where are you ladies going?

- Uhm...

- Yeah?

Our friend Rebecca here

just had two tampons inside of her,

and it was quite a struggle

to get them out.

Maybe you, you have a, a daughter

and you know how difficult tampons

can be sometimes.

Yeah. She's got a point.

Nora just turned 13.

I spent an hour outside the bathroom

yelling through the door,

"Just shove it up there." Tampons.

All right, ladies, that's it, come on,

party's over. Let's go. Be safe. Come on.

Thank you, officers. Thank you.

- Anyone else?

- Oh, oh, oh.

There is this book,

it's called It's Perfectly Normal,

it talks about everything

from discharge to tampons,

you should really check it out.

Thank you so much.

That's the most times

Ive heard the word tampon ever.

Did she just say discharge?

Hey.

Croissants to soak up the poison

that is rotting in your stomachs.

Oh, Mr. Bemis loves croissants.

I feel like your period

is punctuated by two huge dumps,

- one at the beginning and one at the end.

- Oh, we're synched. Mc-lin-tock.

Yeah, I'm just happy,

I wont have it at prom.

Oh, yeah, which apparently

you are going to with Sam,

- that's a subtle ditch, Judas.

- Oh, your face. I cant. Too hung over.

Where's the tree?

I think were Treeless in Seattle.

- Not even One Tree Hill?

- Nothing.

All Ive got are these weird

weed mint strips.

Those even work?

I don't know, well see.

Either have really fresh breath

or we'll be really high.

Cheers.

- Cheers b*tches.

- Mazel tov.

I Am Legend is how it will happen.

Someone will invent a cure for cancer

and the vaccine will make everyone

a zombie brain-eater.

I Am Legend?

Okay...

Would you rather have penises for fingers

or vaginas for ears?

Hmm, do the penises get hard?

Yes.

Okay. But like can you control them

when they're hard?

The thing with dick fingers,

is that you cannot wear rings,

but if you have vaginal ears,

you can wear earrings.

Like bling?

- Like Vling.

- Vling.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, girl,

listen, listen, listen.

Yeah, what's up? Okay. What if

you have dick fingers and vagina ears?

- Oh.

- Yeah.

Like, oh,

like I've literally f***ed my brains out.

I've got brains coming out of my nose

and jizz all over my head

and I haven't even made dinner yet.

I'm making hamburger helpers.

Eww.

- Liv!

- Liv!

- Oh yeah. Here's my baby sister!

- There she is.

Wait, Liv, youre in sixth grade?

- Yeah?

- Dude,

- my b*obs were so big at sixth grade.

- That is...

Yeah. That is the best f***ing year,

- it's gonna be the best year of your life.

- I hope not.

- I promise.

- I hope you're the best.

I promise.

Oh no. Lil, I think Stella

ate your breath strips.

Oh, Stella.

You guys really like fresh breath.

Stella.

How are you feeling girl?

Trippin' balls...

Huge, sweaty balls...

You're gonna get through this.

I don't know man...

Oh. Her breath smells like someone

hot boxed a toothpaste factory.

Prom tickets, 15 dollars.

Seriously guys, they're 15 bucks.

Okay. After party tickets,

Forty bucks apiece. Leggo.

This is bullshit,

why do they want your tickets?

Look, after Party is more important

than prom, all right?

Prom is just an excuse for girls

to get fancy dresses and fake tans.

And to make memories

in a beautiful atmosphere,

all right, expertly created

- by dedicated Student Council members.

- Hm-mmm.

Look, you care too much. They smell it.

Look, wanting people to be happy

and have a good time, that's a bad thing?

No, it's just letting people

have a good time is better.

Thank you.

Look, you know, its fine

that you asked Chloe to prom,

but you should've talked to me first.

What about bro code?

Im sorry. I didnt want to upset you,

- okay?

- Whatever. It's cool.

I mean, I guess if she's not gonna go

with me, youre the next best thing.

All right. We good?

Yeah, we're cool.

- All right, thank you.

- All right.

Oh, God.

Meils. Meils, are you okay?

I came here to give that

little piece of sh*t a piece of my mind.

Piece of sh*t? Oh.

Aaron Jakes. You know that little

taint-troll? Is he around here?

All right, you know, you take that,

I'm gonna get this one home.

- Please do.

- All right. Let's go.

Oh, sh*t, better grab Liv, come on.

Aaron?

I love him.

Liv...

whats wrong?

I got in trouble, because James

wrote something really gross

in my paper on governments.

- What?

- James,

he must've gone

on the computer when it was up.

What did it say?

In the paragraph on oligarchies it said,

"I like to sneak in

and watch my dad take showers."

Its not funny.

Hes so mean, it really hurts me.

Older brothers are gonna make fun of you.

All right? That's just what they do.

James just sees you as a kid right now,

soon enough you'll be friends.

But seriously, you have to admit.

"I sneak in and watch my dad

take showers", that's funny.

Wait, who told you guys about that?

Okay. That only happened once, okay?

And Liv, it was really scary.

Never do it, okay?

It's like,

it's like an angry sea monster.

Hey, look, look,

I'll talk to James, all right?

- All right.

- Okay. Love you.

- Love you. Bye.

- Bye.

-Bye, Liv.

- Bye.

- Jesus.

Ugh, f***. I want froyo.

Hey, do you think were f***ed up,

because of our f***ed up relationships

with our dads?

Uh, you dont have a relationship

with your dad.

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