Dude Page #5

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You know what I mean.

Well, yeah, I mean,

everyone's dad fucks them up.

Like, I see my dad and I'm like,

f*** you, f*** you, f*** you, f*** you.

But then, you know, I wanna see him

and I still want him to wanna see me.

Yeah.

I mean, I never felt like I needed mine.

I always have my mom, I have you guys.

Mmm, but either your dad fucks you up,

because he's not there

or your dad fucks you up,

because he's there

and honestly

nobody can live up to that sh*t.

Right.

But I guess, until then,

he's still gonna get laid, right?

Yeah.

Hey, dickwad,

can I talk to you for a second?

Your little essay addition,

you have anything to say about that?

Oh! You're repulsive.

That is disgusting. God, dear God.

Okay.

You know how many peoples' games you just

ruined? Abduls gonna be pissed at me.

Oh, cry me a river, Leroy Jenkins.

Dude, this is serious.

It's a joke.

She's not gonna get in trouble.

No, its not about school, its about her.

Poor thing, she thinks that you hate her.

She needs you. Look,

were the only other people who know

what weve been through, all right? And...

you know, pretty soon, your friends,

they're gonna wanna bang her

and if you're not nicer,

- she, she's probably gonna do it.

- Dude, dont talk about my friends

- f***ing my baby sister.

- Look, you talked about her peep-holeing

her own dad in writing,

in writing to her teacher.

Uh, yeah, but that's funny,

because we don't have a dad.

Seriously?

Noah

Hang? I'm nearby.

- Where are you going?

- Read a book.

And this is

where the magic happens.

This is awesome.

Thanks. How was your day?

Uh, It was, it was good. Uhm, that guy Ken

was a dick in Academic Journal.

Theres this like, this freshman girl...

Oh, my God. This is really out of tune.

It's horrible.

So there's this freshman girl who wears

those kind of like risqu stuff

and he makes these gross comments about it

and she's so f***ing schevvy like...

Young male teachers have a hard time

handling a burgeoning young woman, so...

Yes, well, you are very burgeoning.

Look, I'll talk to him,

if he's got a problem with her,

he should really

have a female counselor speak to her.

I, uhm, I wasn't listening

to anything you just said.

See, you would've missed all this

in the dark, drunken stupor of the party.

- Hey, that just tickles.

- Yeah.

I got it.

Wow.

Can I take these off?

That is so hot that you asked,

yes, please, take them off.

Okay. So, uhm...

I'm gonna get really quiet, but it,

it's not that it doesn't feel good.

It's, it's because that it does

and I just wanna focus on that moaning.

It's too distracting.

11 minutes later...

Keep going. Right there, I'm gonna cum.

Okay, wait.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

F*** me.

Okay.

You're f***ing beautiful.

Okay. Reciprocity.

- What?

- Take these off.

Oh, f***.

Look moi. No hands.

That's awesome.

Oh, f***.

Afternoon Delight is the best.

- Hey.

- You're amazing.

Yeah. Yeah, that was, that was awesome.

I'm gonna... a lot of energy

for the game now. Thanks.

Hey, so, uhm, listen. Would you ever

wanna come over to my house

and, like, have dinner with my parents

and just, like, hang out with my family?

Uhm, yeah, I, I would love to come over

and meet your parents as a mentor,

guidance figure in your life. But, uhm,

I mean, they'll really like me

and you'll like that and that's, that's,

that's just bad news for everyone, so...

Well, well, I mean, I already like you.

Like, I'm not trying to date you.

I, I know that you have to leave soon

and my crazy ex would kill me if...

What, the one from Catcher?

Yeah. Yeah.

They're gonna play her tonight.

You got to watch out. She got wind

of this and she's, she's really pissed.

All right, ladies,

we want a good, clean game.

Tough with these messy skanks.

- Excuse me?

- Call it.

- Heads.

- You would.

- What does that even mean?

- Heads it is.

Run that sh*t.

Independent women.

- You know, he was at my place last night.

- Well, that's cool. I'm a sharer.

Stay away from him, cock goblin.

Oh.

Boo!

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

- What the f***?

Ref, your voicemail box is full,

you missed the ball.

No one's gonna go for that...

Done, b*tch.

Keanu Reeves's mother

is actually Asian.

So, that's why The Matrix is pretty

cool.

Because, uh, some say it's based on

Baudrillard's Simulacra and Simulation,

but he refuted the comparison.

It's not even a thing.

I can't believe

what a raging b*tch Noah's ex is.

Guys like crazy girls.

Yeah, I'm not getting involved

with that sh*t.

I am not playing The Boy is Mine

my last week of senior year.

Yo. You two right here?

You two were too f***ing amazing tonight.

You know that?

Yeah. You know that moment

when you just know

you're not gonna be

a professional athlete?

- Hm-mmm.

- I kind of have one tonight.

Mmm, well, that moment that you had,

comes a little later for black folk.

Yes, but I get you though. I do.

So, uhm, celebratory roll

- for your victory, though?

- Ooh.

- Where did you get this?

- You don't need to know.

Okay, guys, seriously,

just, like, drink lots of water.

- Stay hydrated, please.

- Let's see you on the other side.

- Cheers.

- Cheers!

Girl you workin' with some ass yeah

You bad yeah

Make a nigga spend his cash yeah

His last yeah

Hoes frown when you pass yeah

They mad yeah

You gon ride in the jag yeah With that head

You could smoke or buy a bag yeah Of grass yeah

Got money I can flash yeah

And trash yeah

I'm a Big tymer nigga yeah

Pull the trigger yeah

A playa hata flipper yeah

Grave filla yeah

I be slangin wood yeah...

Water.

Open up.

Oh!

Tastes like butter.

Yes.

- Lil, I have to tell you something.

- You're gay?

Called it.

There's this...

pre-frosh thing at UCSB this weekend.

Yeah. And it's prom. F*** that, right?

I think I'm gonna go.

Oh, you're getting into NYU.

I don't even know if

that's a hundred percent what I wanna do.

What?

I don't know. Maybe this could be

like a good thing for us, have some space.

What's up? Excuse us.

This table is like, you know,

it's not tight, you know.

It's, it's, like, too confined.

You know, it's too tight.

I don't know what I'm f***ing saying.

Let's dance. Let's do that.

Dude, I love you, okay?

Let's not let this ruin our trip, okay?

- Talk about it tomorrow?

- Hm-mmm.

When we're sober, okay? All right.

Call me Big Daddy

When you back that azz up

Hoe who is you playin' wit

Back that azz up

Girl you looks good won't you back...

She's beyond this now.

She's beyond high school.

She's beyond prom. She's beyond you.

No, no, no.

You have to tell her how you feel.

- Just...

- That was like beautiful.

What? Sh*t. F***.

I didn't see you there.

Are you okay?

I peed myself.

And it was like how warm, you know.

And now, now I'm right here.

- Okay.

- Where are you going?

All right. Hold on.

- All right, cheers, ladies.

- Cheers.

I know you can't stand it

Dick bandit done landed

See your drawers handed

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